Monday, November 12, 2012
It's A Miracle
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
25 Weeks
Well, we made it past 3 of our 4 loss points, praise the Lord.
I am trying to stay busy around the house, got a part time job at home as a District Assistant for a multi-level marketing company, be a good parent/step-parent for the boys, stay active in church, and be a good wife. I've done a LOT of cooking and baking lately!
Yesterday my brother and sister in law did my maternity photos for me, which was emotional at first...I cried before I went over there, but it was kind of nice. I've never had maternity photos done before and they made sure to incorporate my necklace with all of my family's names (husband & kids living & deceased)into the belly pics for me. Very sweet.
Rusty is still keeping his distance from this pregnancy...he is terrified of losing another baby so he is trying not to think about the baby or bond or anything unless and until she is born alive and safe in his arms.
We had a moment the other day when he finally put his hand on my belly and squeezed it and she kicked and he squeezed again and she kicked again...he did this with her like 3 times and it was such a special moment.
But for the most part, he doesn't ask many questions, doesn't get involved and refuses to put the crib up or buy anything for the baby until after the birth.
My hands are swollen and they hurt like I have arthritis. My feet are swollen and they hurt if I stand up too long. But other than that I have no complaints....I feel this baby kicking and I couldn't be filled with more joy. It's such a blessing, I cannot even describe it.
I have days where my anxieties threaten to take over but I voice my concerns to my husband or my friends and I pray and it seems to help.
I had a visit this week from a friend from my support group online...she was driving through the state and stopped to see me for a few hours. She lost her twins around the time that I lost Jimmy and then she had a living little boy around the time that I lost Becca. It was so nice to see her and spend time with her and her sweet little guy. I asked her if it was awesome having a living baby after her losses and did it really feel like we imagined that winning the lottery would feel like? And her whole face and soul lit up as she grinned and said "yes."
Please, God, help me make it through the next couple of months...I want this baby so much.
Monday, July 2, 2012
It's a Girl!
Friday, April 20, 2012
And The Door Re-opens?
I thought this blog was finished, I thought the story was over....maybe not?
Rusty and I were talking about vasectomies and I had scheduled him an appointment for a consultation in January, but he backed out at the last minute as we both decided that it was not our place to make such a permanent decision.
We gave it up to God.
And here we are, 8 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and as of yesterday the baby had a strong heartbeat of 157bpm.
I've already had some bleeding issues (this morning, in fact) and I just have to keep reminding myself that pregnancy is an act of faith. If God wants us to have a living child, nothing in heaven or hell or earth can stop that miracle from happening.
Conversely, if it is not in God's plan for us to give birth to a living child, there is nothing we can do to prevent the inevitable.
All we can do is pray and wait and try to be patient and faithful.
It's sooooo hard and so scary!!!! This is my 6th pregnancy with only one living child, my 10 year old son, Taylor, from a previous relationship. This is my 5th pregnancy with my husband since 2009 and the last 4 have all been tragic with 3 of them buried in the cemetary.
God, give us strength and wisdom and patience and the ability to trust you unconditionally..."thy will be done."
Amen.
Rusty and I were talking about vasectomies and I had scheduled him an appointment for a consultation in January, but he backed out at the last minute as we both decided that it was not our place to make such a permanent decision.
We gave it up to God.
And here we are, 8 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and as of yesterday the baby had a strong heartbeat of 157bpm.
I've already had some bleeding issues (this morning, in fact) and I just have to keep reminding myself that pregnancy is an act of faith. If God wants us to have a living child, nothing in heaven or hell or earth can stop that miracle from happening.
Conversely, if it is not in God's plan for us to give birth to a living child, there is nothing we can do to prevent the inevitable.
All we can do is pray and wait and try to be patient and faithful.
It's sooooo hard and so scary!!!! This is my 6th pregnancy with only one living child, my 10 year old son, Taylor, from a previous relationship. This is my 5th pregnancy with my husband since 2009 and the last 4 have all been tragic with 3 of them buried in the cemetary.
God, give us strength and wisdom and patience and the ability to trust you unconditionally..."thy will be done."
Amen.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
This Blog Has Come To An End....
Today I dedicated my family planning to God, and am going to be obedient in where we feel like we are being led: no more pregnancies, no babies, no adoption planning.
We're just going to focus on the kids we have and learn to work through the grief of accepting that we will not be able to have any children of our own together.
I know God has a plan and I trust him because I know he loves me.
I am ok, my family is happy, and now that I'm letting go of all the baby dreams, I'm looking forward to what God has planned for me and my family....I know he'll carry me through the grief.
Thank you for sharing this time in my life, God bless you!
Katie
We're just going to focus on the kids we have and learn to work through the grief of accepting that we will not be able to have any children of our own together.
I know God has a plan and I trust him because I know he loves me.
I am ok, my family is happy, and now that I'm letting go of all the baby dreams, I'm looking forward to what God has planned for me and my family....I know he'll carry me through the grief.
Thank you for sharing this time in my life, God bless you!
Katie
Monday, September 19, 2011
Notes With Becca
****It has taken me almost a year to get the courage to post these notes...I typed these out on my iPhone when I was in the hospital and the Ronald McDonald house for the two weeks we tried to save Becca. Some of the notes are out of order, but I entered them exactly as they were in my phone and I have not edited them at all....there may be something in there about my mother in law's snoring, but she had a cold and GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN SHE IS AMAZING!!!!****
OCTOBER Day One
(No note...this was the day I went into the doctor because I felt something wasn't quite right...and we found out I was 5cm dilated with the baby's amniotic sac bulging into the birth canal. They sent me to the hospital and I was told I would deliver right away...but I didn't. They transferred me the next morning to a hospital 3 hours away, and we began a two week journey of hope and grief.)
OCTOBER Day Two
Time with Becca
Wednesday
Hooked on a feeling
Paper towel dispenser fax from heaven "is there anything written on it?"
Becca kicking me to sleep
Faith ... Having to make that tough decision and deciding to wait.
Daddy kissing my Becca belly
Waking up to Becca rolling and kicking
Praying
Praying
Praying!!!
Daddy taking pictures of me with Becca still in my belly
Being terrified of suffering
Being terrified of losing Becca
Return of glimmer of hope after praying with and talking to brother Mickey.
Rusty saying "we're GONNA wait"
Rusty saying he was at peace with our decision even if it meant he didn't get back to Jackson in time to meet Becca before she dies
Acknowledging the fact that we all suffer... Just different circumstances. We would rather go through this and our other losses than watch one of our kids die from cancer.
Membrane rupture scare
Dr able to see Beccas feet kicking through the cervix into the part of the bag that's bulging out. I could feel it. Fear that she'll kick her way out too soon.
Getting moved upstairs
Saying goodbye to Rusty...he took a family picture of us in the hospital bed
Rusty holding my hand and praying
Getting to eat for the first time in 24 hours.
The bedpan story with the foot pedals and the being upside down and the guy with the food tray....all that work and hardly anything at all she SHOWED me....ha ha ha!
Texting with courtney
Rubbing my Becca belly and looking out the window as the sun set feeling emotional and wondering if this was our last night
Becca moved up so pressure off cervix and slept great.
OCTOBER Day Three
Another day with Becca
Thursday
Blood draw at 430am
Reading daddy's text from last night: "goodnight babies. Love you both so much."
Becca moved up during the night and off my cervix.. Daydreaming hopeful things.
Rubbing my belly and feeling Becca kicking and tumbling as I tell her how much her daddy and I want her and love her. Told her that she will soon either be with Jesus or here fighting for her life and we will love her either way.
Dr visit saying they would discharge me if I was still pregnant in 2 days
Getting the catheter out and having to get up and pee
Brother Mickey's visit
Sonogram..1 lb 2 oz and measuring 22 weeks exactly (but still only 21&4 in their book)
Becca waving to Daddy
Seeing her precious feet and toes and knees and nose and everything so perfect... Seeing my cervix and the sac bulging and feeling so helpless and terrified and losing hope
Being told yet again there is absolutely no hope and infection is imminent
Nurse saying they've seen many cases like mine and no success stories yet...maybe we'll be the first
Getting afraid and discouraged
Rusty reminding me it's up to God and don't let Satan get in the way because he is trying to discourage and hurt us.
Visit from nice lady, Rustys old neighbor BJ
Talking to Taylor on the phone and laughing for 20 minutes about loogies and farts
Flirting with my husband via text :)
Singing to Becca and watching the sunset
Talking to Rusty on the phone and realizing we have not been apart this long since before we got married
Phone call with dr davis, Cerclage specialist in Philadelphia/new jersey...no new info or contradiction of what the Drs here are saying. "miracles do happen..I'll say a prayer for you."
OCTOBER Day Four
Yet another day with Becca still here!
Praise God!!!
Friday
Sunrise with Becca singing songs from choir..."I believe God"
Discharge scare
Meeting with dr to discuss me being discharged to motel across the street
Hope prayer hope prayer!!!
Really awesome hospital food hamburger steak
Temperature scare! 99.2 to 98.4
Discharged to hotel
Shower yay
Mom&Dad coming
BJ shows up when they do
Hotel room is 208!
All these signs from God :)
Rebecca Lane in room 208 with mom and dad.... Should make Rusty feel good like he is "coming home"
Evening with Rusty
He had told Becca if she stayed put while he was gone he would get her a present so he brought her a pink stuffed monkey
Daddy taking good care of his baby
OCTOBER Day Five
Praise God another day!!
Saturday
Lots of discharge...scary
Temp normal
Praise God Becca is still here!!!!
Made it past the 11 month anniversary of Jimmy's death and birth
Breakfast...Rusty came back with a banana in his pocket ha ha ha!
Panic attack
Talking to Debbie Butler
Praying
Playing magic cards with Rusty
OCTOBER Day Six
Becca is still here!
Sunday
Thank you God for another morning waking up to my sweet baby's kicks.
Worried..is my water leaking?
Becca feels lower, bulging membranes feel bigger
Wish I was in a bed that could be tilted
Propped up with pillows under hips and feet...that moved Becca away from my cervix and back up to belly button whew!
All morning reading about incompetent cervix and bulging membranes...not a lot out there for my situation. Every case either got a rescue Cerclage or went into labor right away.
Daddy feeling Beccas kicks :):):) saying she likes football ( we were watching football on TV)
Saying bye to Rusty and hi to mom
Great evening with mom watching Tv and chatting and she got to feel Becca kicking
Making arrangements for Taylor to have fun
Worried about my friends in Australia
Rusty named Beccas stuffed animals Miggy and Punkey
Realizing that if we can make it just 10 more days Becca will be viable and can have steroid shots and a whopping 70% fighting chance at life!!!!
Even more afraid but happy at the same time.
Feeling some tightening and pressure and watery discharge but hoping that's "normal" for my state.
Thank you Jesus for another day.
OCTOBER Day Seven
One Week!!
Monday
It's been a whole week!!!
Had fun with mom last night watching iron chef and gossiping
Becca not moving as much today...is she ok?
No discharge today at all even though I've been up to shower and change
Is all her amniotic fluid still there?
If we make it to Thursday we will be 23 weeks and 5-15% chance of survival
Small gush of fluid..emergency trip to the hospital. Lots of crying.
Dr just happened to come in right when i did so he saw me right away
Bag still intact
Emotional and drained
Dr Brewer really nice and caring
Ultrasound showed baby fine with plenty of fluid...still dilated 4cm and membranes bulging but not as much as they were at the beginning of last week.
Lady down the hall didn't know she was pregnant until she came in for a miscarriage. Life is fragile.
Discharged to hotel, Matthew 8:26
Tired, irritable, and grouchy.
OCTOBER Day Eight
Monday
Sleepy but grateful. Temp at 97.
Thank you Abba.
Gotta make it through today, tomorrow, the next day...and then the day after that Beccas steroid shots!!
Rusty and I missing each other...bathroom photos ha ha ha!!
Taylor has a girlfriend named Angel but she had to move. Poor Taylor.
Shane kept a patient alive today.
Had elevated temp again but it went away when I took a Xanax and my heart stopped racing. Anxiety...
OCTOBER Day Nine
Sunday
Becca not moving as much...making me nervous. Maybe cuz I woke up and found I'd been sleeping on my stomach? Mom snores like a beast..had to have pillows over my head and even that and the AC couldn't drown her out.
Wondering if I should go in and get checked or not...Becca squirmed and wiggled while typing this. Maybe everything is ok. Trusting you God!!!
In hospital for checkup..everything looks ok and baby is moving around and has plenty of fluid and good heartbeat. She is head down though eep! They can't tell if she is engaged or not without doing a pelvic exam and at this point that's unnecessary...just stay on bedrest and watch for fever or signs of labor.
Please God...Thursday is starting to look so far away! Please keep Becca in there and safe and healthy and living!!
Fever?? Freak out big time!!!
98.9 to 99.2 to 98.6 and back up
Rusty talking to me while I was crying and reading me all the "if you give a mouse a cookie" stories to soothe me over the phone then we prayed together. Temp down to 98.4
God hold us. This is hard and scary.
OCTOBER Day 10
October 23
Saturday
Psalm 116:1
Mom went to Target
Dr called to check in and discuss how things are going... Still saying in my charts that I'm 22&6 poo on them!
Said shots could be given at 23&5 so still on track for Thurs/Friday.
Called Rusty to update.
Mom bought me bras and clothes
Rusty sent pics of street Rebecca LN
OCTOBER Day 11
October 22
Friday
Feeling sorry for myself
Praying
Texting with Rusty about this being hard on us and we muss each other but gotta depend on God and so grateful that we have Becca still!!!!!
Crying a lot today and moody
Poor MIL and pizza fiasco
Got a package with a tiny hat in it from Calvin's Hats...hoping Becca will be too big to wear it by the time she is born!!!
Is it my imagination or is Becca moving a lot less today? Scares me.
Peeing a lot too. Scares me as well.
OCTOBER Day 12
October 21
Hooray Thursday!!
Every day counts. Every day. One week til life saving steroid shots for Beccas lungs. I'm so hopeful!!!
Romans 8:24-25
Shower
Shane worried about Taylors schooling
Taylor misses me
Moms snoring
Cabin fever ugh!
Grateful that Becca still here guilty for complaining over silly things.
Chance sick so Rusty and kids can't come this weekend. I cried.
Mom got me red nailpolish to cheer me up.
Becca seems to know I need reassurance she moves all day.
When I sing to her she kicks bigger.
Rusty and I talking about how she wants to live.
OCTOBER Day 13
October 20
Wednesday
Hooray Wednesday!!!
Jeremiah 31:25
Feeling renewed thank you God!!
Rusty and I texting about feeling calm and really believing God is going to see us through this...starting to feel like we have a birth to look forward to and not a funeral.
So much for calm? Feeling irritable and yucky...almost nauseous...and sleepy. Hope this passes uneventfully and doesn't affect the baby!!!
Mom took a nap I had some quiet time felt better
Teresa brought care package from SS
Rusty got care package from my online support group feb EC board
OCTOBER Day 14
October 19
Tuesday
Isaiah 40:31
Panic attack last night heart pounding sweating hot uncomfortable scared
Weary and emotional
Rusty said he prayed over Beccas bassinet this morning. He had a talk with God about her. Warms my heart.
2 more days to 23 weeks!! Odds jump to 15% and 2-4% every day thereafter that she stays cooking!! Praying.
Talking to Courtney...feeling like being an angel mom is privilege. A red badge of courage... Soldier in Gods army with battle scars.
Nap time thinking happy thoughts
Mom found Chinese food yay ha ha
Feeling better. Hopeful.
OCTOBER Day 15
October 26
Tuesday
Woke up to big gush of fluid that soaked the bed. Thought my water broke..it was clear. Mom nowhere around and didnt answer her phone so got a ride from the maintenance guy to the hospital.
Dr brewer said sac had not ruptured and tests for amniotic fluid were negative but she does have low fluid levels.
Also, going with original due date so I won't go in Thursday I'll go in Saturday and they'll give me shots at midnight since I'll be 24 weeks on Sunday.
So, Becca is still here and we've been set back a few days. 23&2 instead of 23&5. :( God you are mighty...please carry us through this. Please.
Still majorly leaking fluid. Discouraged. God I'm weary and confused! Mom is totally sick and coughing and sneezing and sniffling and blowing her nose every couple of minutes. (its driving me CRAZY!) She needs to go home. Told Rusty to go ahead and come and bring Dad with him but we can't get ahold of dad.
Had a contraction at 3:20ish.
Took a nap for an hour and felt better.
Not gushing anymore but still watery discharge...it's not clear but it's not urine either. Worried about infection.
Took a shower. Waiting on Rusty to get here and mom to leave.
5 more days...it doesn't feel like we will make it that long..feels like things are starting to happen. Nothing is impossible with God though right? Oh ye of little faith?
OCTOBER Day 16
*BIRTHDAY*
October 27
Think I'm having contractions..all night
Pretty painful now and less than 10 min apart. Becca squirming alot.
At the hospital. May have this baby before anyone can get to us!! Owww!!!
IV and headed up to labor and delivery.
Bro slater and bro Mickey came by..nice visit Rusty was happy good stories.
Contractions slowed down
Doctor came in and said my white count was elevated pretty high indicating an infection.
The doctors are conferring about what to do.
God I'm scared! I also don't want to miss anything because I'm too sick.
God please save my daughter. Please.
Rebecca Lane born 5:09pm 1lb 8oz
Daddy and I fattened her up over the past couple weeks she had gained 6oz
She did not cry or move but she was born alive. She had no lung tissue to work with. They tried to give her oxygen but there was just no lungs.
Her heart was still beating when we got to hold her..held her until she got cold. Took pictures.
So tired. Slight fever because of the infection. They had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding so on medicine for that too. When contractions started again I prayed the same thing that I prayed when we miscarried: please God don't let it hurt. It didn't. Got to 6cm then epidural. Birth was easy, getting the placenta out was hard..doc had her arm in up to my elbow.
Felt the peace and calm of God the whole time.
Rusty and I did not break down...even when we held our baby. Cried a little and talked a little and took pictures.
Everyone was so nice.
Becca looked like Rustys mother. So small and perfect. I watched her heart beating even though she didn't move. Unwrapped her and laid her on my chest and kissed her head and told her I loved her and sang you are my sunshine just like I did when she was still in my belly. She never moved just gradually got cold.
I'm numb I'm sure but still grateful to God for the extra time. God said no, but he sure took care of us.
Rusty went to sleep. It all just hit me around 11pm and I was just so sad I couldn't stop sobbing. Rusty calmed me down and went back to sleep.
I called Rustys mom because I was still really sad. So was she. We talked about the baby and funeral arrangements.
THE FUNERAL
Beccas funeral
Jimmy visited...knocked over the roses and one stayed on his grave. Told funeral lady to leave it there...she realized what happened and teared up.
Joking later with Slater Rusty was like "do I need to get my belt?" just like a boy to try and get his parents attention focused off baby sister!
We bought them both little plastic mini flowers in pots.
Went out to eat afterwards just us...spent the rest of day and night together. Loving each other.
God allowed us the opportunity to try and change the outcome with Becca to show us that it didn't matter what we did or did not do he was in control...thankful for that. We dud everything and have no regrets and no haunting and painful what ifs. Feels like Jimmy was ripped from us but we gave Becca to God willingly. We have peace... About both babies.
Still hurts though. Still miss them both and so sad. Not sure how to grieve thistime. So peaceful. Miss my babies...still shocked that Becca is gone...miss my baby girl. Rusty misses her too. This is going to be hard.
OCTOBER Day One
(No note...this was the day I went into the doctor because I felt something wasn't quite right...and we found out I was 5cm dilated with the baby's amniotic sac bulging into the birth canal. They sent me to the hospital and I was told I would deliver right away...but I didn't. They transferred me the next morning to a hospital 3 hours away, and we began a two week journey of hope and grief.)
OCTOBER Day Two
Time with Becca
Wednesday
Hooked on a feeling
Paper towel dispenser fax from heaven "is there anything written on it?"
Becca kicking me to sleep
Faith ... Having to make that tough decision and deciding to wait.
Daddy kissing my Becca belly
Waking up to Becca rolling and kicking
Praying
Praying
Praying!!!
Daddy taking pictures of me with Becca still in my belly
Being terrified of suffering
Being terrified of losing Becca
Return of glimmer of hope after praying with and talking to brother Mickey.
Rusty saying "we're GONNA wait"
Rusty saying he was at peace with our decision even if it meant he didn't get back to Jackson in time to meet Becca before she dies
Acknowledging the fact that we all suffer... Just different circumstances. We would rather go through this and our other losses than watch one of our kids die from cancer.
Membrane rupture scare
Dr able to see Beccas feet kicking through the cervix into the part of the bag that's bulging out. I could feel it. Fear that she'll kick her way out too soon.
Getting moved upstairs
Saying goodbye to Rusty...he took a family picture of us in the hospital bed
Rusty holding my hand and praying
Getting to eat for the first time in 24 hours.
The bedpan story with the foot pedals and the being upside down and the guy with the food tray....all that work and hardly anything at all she SHOWED me....ha ha ha!
Texting with courtney
Rubbing my Becca belly and looking out the window as the sun set feeling emotional and wondering if this was our last night
Becca moved up so pressure off cervix and slept great.
OCTOBER Day Three
Another day with Becca
Thursday
Blood draw at 430am
Reading daddy's text from last night: "goodnight babies. Love you both so much."
Becca moved up during the night and off my cervix.. Daydreaming hopeful things.
Rubbing my belly and feeling Becca kicking and tumbling as I tell her how much her daddy and I want her and love her. Told her that she will soon either be with Jesus or here fighting for her life and we will love her either way.
Dr visit saying they would discharge me if I was still pregnant in 2 days
Getting the catheter out and having to get up and pee
Brother Mickey's visit
Sonogram..1 lb 2 oz and measuring 22 weeks exactly (but still only 21&4 in their book)
Becca waving to Daddy
Seeing her precious feet and toes and knees and nose and everything so perfect... Seeing my cervix and the sac bulging and feeling so helpless and terrified and losing hope
Being told yet again there is absolutely no hope and infection is imminent
Nurse saying they've seen many cases like mine and no success stories yet...maybe we'll be the first
Getting afraid and discouraged
Rusty reminding me it's up to God and don't let Satan get in the way because he is trying to discourage and hurt us.
Visit from nice lady, Rustys old neighbor BJ
Talking to Taylor on the phone and laughing for 20 minutes about loogies and farts
Flirting with my husband via text :)
Singing to Becca and watching the sunset
Talking to Rusty on the phone and realizing we have not been apart this long since before we got married
Phone call with dr davis, Cerclage specialist in Philadelphia/new jersey...no new info or contradiction of what the Drs here are saying. "miracles do happen..I'll say a prayer for you."
OCTOBER Day Four
Yet another day with Becca still here!
Praise God!!!
Friday
Sunrise with Becca singing songs from choir..."I believe God"
Discharge scare
Meeting with dr to discuss me being discharged to motel across the street
Hope prayer hope prayer!!!
Really awesome hospital food hamburger steak
Temperature scare! 99.2 to 98.4
Discharged to hotel
Shower yay
Mom&Dad coming
BJ shows up when they do
Hotel room is 208!
All these signs from God :)
Rebecca Lane in room 208 with mom and dad.... Should make Rusty feel good like he is "coming home"
Evening with Rusty
He had told Becca if she stayed put while he was gone he would get her a present so he brought her a pink stuffed monkey
Daddy taking good care of his baby
OCTOBER Day Five
Praise God another day!!
Saturday
Lots of discharge...scary
Temp normal
Praise God Becca is still here!!!!
Made it past the 11 month anniversary of Jimmy's death and birth
Breakfast...Rusty came back with a banana in his pocket ha ha ha!
Panic attack
Talking to Debbie Butler
Praying
Playing magic cards with Rusty
OCTOBER Day Six
Becca is still here!
Sunday
Thank you God for another morning waking up to my sweet baby's kicks.
Worried..is my water leaking?
Becca feels lower, bulging membranes feel bigger
Wish I was in a bed that could be tilted
Propped up with pillows under hips and feet...that moved Becca away from my cervix and back up to belly button whew!
All morning reading about incompetent cervix and bulging membranes...not a lot out there for my situation. Every case either got a rescue Cerclage or went into labor right away.
Daddy feeling Beccas kicks :):):) saying she likes football ( we were watching football on TV)
Saying bye to Rusty and hi to mom
Great evening with mom watching Tv and chatting and she got to feel Becca kicking
Making arrangements for Taylor to have fun
Worried about my friends in Australia
Rusty named Beccas stuffed animals Miggy and Punkey
Realizing that if we can make it just 10 more days Becca will be viable and can have steroid shots and a whopping 70% fighting chance at life!!!!
Even more afraid but happy at the same time.
Feeling some tightening and pressure and watery discharge but hoping that's "normal" for my state.
Thank you Jesus for another day.
OCTOBER Day Seven
One Week!!
Monday
It's been a whole week!!!
Had fun with mom last night watching iron chef and gossiping
Becca not moving as much today...is she ok?
No discharge today at all even though I've been up to shower and change
Is all her amniotic fluid still there?
If we make it to Thursday we will be 23 weeks and 5-15% chance of survival
Small gush of fluid..emergency trip to the hospital. Lots of crying.
Dr just happened to come in right when i did so he saw me right away
Bag still intact
Emotional and drained
Dr Brewer really nice and caring
Ultrasound showed baby fine with plenty of fluid...still dilated 4cm and membranes bulging but not as much as they were at the beginning of last week.
Lady down the hall didn't know she was pregnant until she came in for a miscarriage. Life is fragile.
Discharged to hotel, Matthew 8:26
Tired, irritable, and grouchy.
OCTOBER Day Eight
Monday
Sleepy but grateful. Temp at 97.
Thank you Abba.
Gotta make it through today, tomorrow, the next day...and then the day after that Beccas steroid shots!!
Rusty and I missing each other...bathroom photos ha ha ha!!
Taylor has a girlfriend named Angel but she had to move. Poor Taylor.
Shane kept a patient alive today.
Had elevated temp again but it went away when I took a Xanax and my heart stopped racing. Anxiety...
OCTOBER Day Nine
Sunday
Becca not moving as much...making me nervous. Maybe cuz I woke up and found I'd been sleeping on my stomach? Mom snores like a beast..had to have pillows over my head and even that and the AC couldn't drown her out.
Wondering if I should go in and get checked or not...Becca squirmed and wiggled while typing this. Maybe everything is ok. Trusting you God!!!
In hospital for checkup..everything looks ok and baby is moving around and has plenty of fluid and good heartbeat. She is head down though eep! They can't tell if she is engaged or not without doing a pelvic exam and at this point that's unnecessary...just stay on bedrest and watch for fever or signs of labor.
Please God...Thursday is starting to look so far away! Please keep Becca in there and safe and healthy and living!!
Fever?? Freak out big time!!!
98.9 to 99.2 to 98.6 and back up
Rusty talking to me while I was crying and reading me all the "if you give a mouse a cookie" stories to soothe me over the phone then we prayed together. Temp down to 98.4
God hold us. This is hard and scary.
OCTOBER Day 10
October 23
Saturday
Psalm 116:1
Mom went to Target
Dr called to check in and discuss how things are going... Still saying in my charts that I'm 22&6 poo on them!
Said shots could be given at 23&5 so still on track for Thurs/Friday.
Called Rusty to update.
Mom bought me bras and clothes
Rusty sent pics of street Rebecca LN
OCTOBER Day 11
October 22
Friday
Feeling sorry for myself
Praying
Texting with Rusty about this being hard on us and we muss each other but gotta depend on God and so grateful that we have Becca still!!!!!
Crying a lot today and moody
Poor MIL and pizza fiasco
Got a package with a tiny hat in it from Calvin's Hats...hoping Becca will be too big to wear it by the time she is born!!!
Is it my imagination or is Becca moving a lot less today? Scares me.
Peeing a lot too. Scares me as well.
OCTOBER Day 12
October 21
Hooray Thursday!!
Every day counts. Every day. One week til life saving steroid shots for Beccas lungs. I'm so hopeful!!!
Romans 8:24-25
Shower
Shane worried about Taylors schooling
Taylor misses me
Moms snoring
Cabin fever ugh!
Grateful that Becca still here guilty for complaining over silly things.
Chance sick so Rusty and kids can't come this weekend. I cried.
Mom got me red nailpolish to cheer me up.
Becca seems to know I need reassurance she moves all day.
When I sing to her she kicks bigger.
Rusty and I talking about how she wants to live.
OCTOBER Day 13
October 20
Wednesday
Hooray Wednesday!!!
Jeremiah 31:25
Feeling renewed thank you God!!
Rusty and I texting about feeling calm and really believing God is going to see us through this...starting to feel like we have a birth to look forward to and not a funeral.
So much for calm? Feeling irritable and yucky...almost nauseous...and sleepy. Hope this passes uneventfully and doesn't affect the baby!!!
Mom took a nap I had some quiet time felt better
Teresa brought care package from SS
Rusty got care package from my online support group feb EC board
OCTOBER Day 14
October 19
Tuesday
Isaiah 40:31
Panic attack last night heart pounding sweating hot uncomfortable scared
Weary and emotional
Rusty said he prayed over Beccas bassinet this morning. He had a talk with God about her. Warms my heart.
2 more days to 23 weeks!! Odds jump to 15% and 2-4% every day thereafter that she stays cooking!! Praying.
Talking to Courtney...feeling like being an angel mom is privilege. A red badge of courage... Soldier in Gods army with battle scars.
Nap time thinking happy thoughts
Mom found Chinese food yay ha ha
Feeling better. Hopeful.
OCTOBER Day 15
October 26
Tuesday
Woke up to big gush of fluid that soaked the bed. Thought my water broke..it was clear. Mom nowhere around and didnt answer her phone so got a ride from the maintenance guy to the hospital.
Dr brewer said sac had not ruptured and tests for amniotic fluid were negative but she does have low fluid levels.
Also, going with original due date so I won't go in Thursday I'll go in Saturday and they'll give me shots at midnight since I'll be 24 weeks on Sunday.
So, Becca is still here and we've been set back a few days. 23&2 instead of 23&5. :( God you are mighty...please carry us through this. Please.
Still majorly leaking fluid. Discouraged. God I'm weary and confused! Mom is totally sick and coughing and sneezing and sniffling and blowing her nose every couple of minutes. (its driving me CRAZY!) She needs to go home. Told Rusty to go ahead and come and bring Dad with him but we can't get ahold of dad.
Had a contraction at 3:20ish.
Took a nap for an hour and felt better.
Not gushing anymore but still watery discharge...it's not clear but it's not urine either. Worried about infection.
Took a shower. Waiting on Rusty to get here and mom to leave.
5 more days...it doesn't feel like we will make it that long..feels like things are starting to happen. Nothing is impossible with God though right? Oh ye of little faith?
OCTOBER Day 16
*BIRTHDAY*
October 27
Think I'm having contractions..all night
Pretty painful now and less than 10 min apart. Becca squirming alot.
At the hospital. May have this baby before anyone can get to us!! Owww!!!
IV and headed up to labor and delivery.
Bro slater and bro Mickey came by..nice visit Rusty was happy good stories.
Contractions slowed down
Doctor came in and said my white count was elevated pretty high indicating an infection.
The doctors are conferring about what to do.
God I'm scared! I also don't want to miss anything because I'm too sick.
God please save my daughter. Please.
Rebecca Lane born 5:09pm 1lb 8oz
Daddy and I fattened her up over the past couple weeks she had gained 6oz
She did not cry or move but she was born alive. She had no lung tissue to work with. They tried to give her oxygen but there was just no lungs.
Her heart was still beating when we got to hold her..held her until she got cold. Took pictures.
So tired. Slight fever because of the infection. They had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding so on medicine for that too. When contractions started again I prayed the same thing that I prayed when we miscarried: please God don't let it hurt. It didn't. Got to 6cm then epidural. Birth was easy, getting the placenta out was hard..doc had her arm in up to my elbow.
Felt the peace and calm of God the whole time.
Rusty and I did not break down...even when we held our baby. Cried a little and talked a little and took pictures.
Everyone was so nice.
Becca looked like Rustys mother. So small and perfect. I watched her heart beating even though she didn't move. Unwrapped her and laid her on my chest and kissed her head and told her I loved her and sang you are my sunshine just like I did when she was still in my belly. She never moved just gradually got cold.
I'm numb I'm sure but still grateful to God for the extra time. God said no, but he sure took care of us.
Rusty went to sleep. It all just hit me around 11pm and I was just so sad I couldn't stop sobbing. Rusty calmed me down and went back to sleep.
I called Rustys mom because I was still really sad. So was she. We talked about the baby and funeral arrangements.
THE FUNERAL
Beccas funeral
Jimmy visited...knocked over the roses and one stayed on his grave. Told funeral lady to leave it there...she realized what happened and teared up.
Joking later with Slater Rusty was like "do I need to get my belt?" just like a boy to try and get his parents attention focused off baby sister!
We bought them both little plastic mini flowers in pots.
Went out to eat afterwards just us...spent the rest of day and night together. Loving each other.
God allowed us the opportunity to try and change the outcome with Becca to show us that it didn't matter what we did or did not do he was in control...thankful for that. We dud everything and have no regrets and no haunting and painful what ifs. Feels like Jimmy was ripped from us but we gave Becca to God willingly. We have peace... About both babies.
Still hurts though. Still miss them both and so sad. Not sure how to grieve thistime. So peaceful. Miss my babies...still shocked that Becca is gone...miss my baby girl. Rusty misses her too. This is going to be hard.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The Official Update
There were a few ladies on another pregnancy board that were concerned and I realized that in the past 3 weeks I had forgotten to update a few people...here is my official update in case I've missed anyone else:
Hi ladies.
No, I'm not in a padded room or anything. :)
Scarlett didn't have a heartbeat when I went into the operating room to have a preventative cerclage placed...it was quite a sad surprise. We induced that day, and within a few hours she was born. I didn't have an epidural or even any tylenol because I wanted to feel EVERYTHING...her birth pains were very special to me. Right after she came out, I started taking pictures and the doctor showed me where her little cord was compressed, whch was the cause of her death. He said that in any other instance he would say cord accidents happen and go ahead and try again, but since we are 0 for 4 in the baby department, (even though each baby died for a seemingly different reason), he thinks that my husband and I are genetically incompatible and we both must carry some sort of recessive gene. This makes sense because my husband has an older sister who was born with a hole in her heart requiring surgery, and has an unknown chromosome anomaly that has caused her physical and mental challenges not unlike down syndrome. When Jimmy was born, he had the same facial features as my husband's sister and the doctor told us that Jimmy's death was because of a chromosome abnormality. Becca looked perfect so we wrote that off as a developed incompetent cervix as the cause, but since Scarlett, we are rethinking that and guessing that Becca's death was probably caused by some chromosome abnormality as well and that it was actually pre-term labor caused by the anomaly and not an incompetent cervix.
We have no more answers right now other than that it doesn't look like my husband and I will be able to have any living children together...I don't know if our insurance covers genetic testing, but we will look into it sometime in the future. Genetic testing may not give us any answers, and it surely won't give us a living baby, but if we can get a name for this chromosome problem, we could give our other kids (I have a 9 year old son from an oops when I was 21, and my husband has a 14 year old and a 10 year old with his ex wife) a heads up for when they start having kids one day.
We buried Scarlett the day after she was born....her funeral consisted of just my husband and I and the funeral director and the gravedigger guy...I carried her casket and laid her in the ground myself and would have shoveled the dirt in as well if my husband hadn't stopped me....I wanted to take care of those last moments, you know?
This has been tough for me, especially not being able to have the hope of another chance at a pregnancy and living baby, and it really hurts my heart that my husband and I seem to be genetically incompatible.
However!
However, that very week, my husband's son called him from Texas and said "Dad, come get me, I hate the school here" and my husband drove 9 hours there and back to bring his son back to live with us...I spent an entire evening and all the next day painting his son's bedroom the colors that he wanted and we have been so blessed....I know my husband has been hurting so bad with all his babies in heaven and his two kids 9 hours away, so this was a HUGE answered prayer. (In so many ways, a teenager requires more than a newborn!!) We didn't get a baby, but we got my husband's son back and now they have an opportunity to fix their broken relationship which is such an enormous blessing.
I also went back to work a week after Scarlett died...I got a job working lunches M-F at our new Logan's Roadhouse as a server just to have something to do and to help my husband save up money to hire a lawyer to modify his custody agreement and child support now that his son is living with us.
I've taken on assistant teaching with the 2nd grade choir on Wednesday nights, and on Sunday evenings before church, my husband and I are taking a 2 hour biblically-based financial class.
My only living child, (thank you JESUS for him!), expressed interest in football now that his older step-brother is here (the step-brother plays 9th grade football) so his father and I enrolled him in PeeWee football and tonight was his first practice.
God has kept me VERY busy....all of this stuff has all taken place within the past 3 weeks...my life became very, very full all of a sudden.
What a blessing, no? I thought my life would be totally empty without Scarlett or any other babies of my own, but God went into overdrive to fill my life with people who need me and things to keep me busy and productive.
Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day for my babies and I long with ALL my heart for a baby and I think about adoption a lot now....but I still have a purpose in life and I still have a family and I still have a future.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have felt God's presence and I see signs constantly and have been for the past three weeks that show that He loves me. Yes, I have my moments, like the night before last when I was crying on my husband's shoulder and said "I think God has forgotten about me!"...but I say that out of sadness and hurt...God has not forgotten me, He just said No.
I am learning to accept 'No' for an answer, and I am learning that just because God says 'No' doesn't mean that he doesn't care or doesn't want me to be happy...it's just not part of his plan right now. I struggle with that, but most of the time I think I am handling it fairly well.
I miss my babies, SO much, and I cry everyday, but I am not without love, direction, purpose, happiness, or a future...I'm just a sad, sad momma who is trying to balance grief and gratitude.
Thank you for thinking of me, praying for me, and worrying about me.
Love you, ladies. Many hugs!!!!
Love,
Katie
Hi ladies.
No, I'm not in a padded room or anything. :)
Scarlett didn't have a heartbeat when I went into the operating room to have a preventative cerclage placed...it was quite a sad surprise. We induced that day, and within a few hours she was born. I didn't have an epidural or even any tylenol because I wanted to feel EVERYTHING...her birth pains were very special to me. Right after she came out, I started taking pictures and the doctor showed me where her little cord was compressed, whch was the cause of her death. He said that in any other instance he would say cord accidents happen and go ahead and try again, but since we are 0 for 4 in the baby department, (even though each baby died for a seemingly different reason), he thinks that my husband and I are genetically incompatible and we both must carry some sort of recessive gene. This makes sense because my husband has an older sister who was born with a hole in her heart requiring surgery, and has an unknown chromosome anomaly that has caused her physical and mental challenges not unlike down syndrome. When Jimmy was born, he had the same facial features as my husband's sister and the doctor told us that Jimmy's death was because of a chromosome abnormality. Becca looked perfect so we wrote that off as a developed incompetent cervix as the cause, but since Scarlett, we are rethinking that and guessing that Becca's death was probably caused by some chromosome abnormality as well and that it was actually pre-term labor caused by the anomaly and not an incompetent cervix.
We have no more answers right now other than that it doesn't look like my husband and I will be able to have any living children together...I don't know if our insurance covers genetic testing, but we will look into it sometime in the future. Genetic testing may not give us any answers, and it surely won't give us a living baby, but if we can get a name for this chromosome problem, we could give our other kids (I have a 9 year old son from an oops when I was 21, and my husband has a 14 year old and a 10 year old with his ex wife) a heads up for when they start having kids one day.
We buried Scarlett the day after she was born....her funeral consisted of just my husband and I and the funeral director and the gravedigger guy...I carried her casket and laid her in the ground myself and would have shoveled the dirt in as well if my husband hadn't stopped me....I wanted to take care of those last moments, you know?
This has been tough for me, especially not being able to have the hope of another chance at a pregnancy and living baby, and it really hurts my heart that my husband and I seem to be genetically incompatible.
However!
However, that very week, my husband's son called him from Texas and said "Dad, come get me, I hate the school here" and my husband drove 9 hours there and back to bring his son back to live with us...I spent an entire evening and all the next day painting his son's bedroom the colors that he wanted and we have been so blessed....I know my husband has been hurting so bad with all his babies in heaven and his two kids 9 hours away, so this was a HUGE answered prayer. (In so many ways, a teenager requires more than a newborn!!) We didn't get a baby, but we got my husband's son back and now they have an opportunity to fix their broken relationship which is such an enormous blessing.
I also went back to work a week after Scarlett died...I got a job working lunches M-F at our new Logan's Roadhouse as a server just to have something to do and to help my husband save up money to hire a lawyer to modify his custody agreement and child support now that his son is living with us.
I've taken on assistant teaching with the 2nd grade choir on Wednesday nights, and on Sunday evenings before church, my husband and I are taking a 2 hour biblically-based financial class.
My only living child, (thank you JESUS for him!), expressed interest in football now that his older step-brother is here (the step-brother plays 9th grade football) so his father and I enrolled him in PeeWee football and tonight was his first practice.
God has kept me VERY busy....all of this stuff has all taken place within the past 3 weeks...my life became very, very full all of a sudden.
What a blessing, no? I thought my life would be totally empty without Scarlett or any other babies of my own, but God went into overdrive to fill my life with people who need me and things to keep me busy and productive.
Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day for my babies and I long with ALL my heart for a baby and I think about adoption a lot now....but I still have a purpose in life and I still have a family and I still have a future.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have felt God's presence and I see signs constantly and have been for the past three weeks that show that He loves me. Yes, I have my moments, like the night before last when I was crying on my husband's shoulder and said "I think God has forgotten about me!"...but I say that out of sadness and hurt...God has not forgotten me, He just said No.
I am learning to accept 'No' for an answer, and I am learning that just because God says 'No' doesn't mean that he doesn't care or doesn't want me to be happy...it's just not part of his plan right now. I struggle with that, but most of the time I think I am handling it fairly well.
I miss my babies, SO much, and I cry everyday, but I am not without love, direction, purpose, happiness, or a future...I'm just a sad, sad momma who is trying to balance grief and gratitude.
Thank you for thinking of me, praying for me, and worrying about me.
Love you, ladies. Many hugs!!!!
Love,
Katie
Monday, September 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Nothing To Report...
I'm about to get ready for work. Yesterday was much better, and after talking to someone at church about my "discontent" regarding my employment situation, I realized I need to focus on the goal and remember that this is temporary, and sometimes you just have to suck up the reality of the situation and do what you need to do in order to accomplish something.
Tonight Rusty and I will clean out the storage shed and Saturday we will carry everything over to a mini-storage unit in town and have a "yard sale." I am carrying Becca's bassinet with me to work as someone answered an ad online and is going to purchase it for $20.
Twenty bucks...by the end of the weekend, all my baby stuff will be gone, including the rocking chair that I've clung to for the past 3 years in the hopes of having a baby to hold and soothe in it. We don't always get what we hope for, do we?
I've got a gig tomorrow night and whatever I make there will go towards our goal as well.
I wonder if someday Rusty's kids and my son will ever know or be grateful for all the sacrifices we have made for them?
I hope we accomplish this particular financial goal very soon, because after that I can go to substitute teaching and spending more time at home and going to our kids football games and stuff.
Tonight Rusty and I will clean out the storage shed and Saturday we will carry everything over to a mini-storage unit in town and have a "yard sale." I am carrying Becca's bassinet with me to work as someone answered an ad online and is going to purchase it for $20.
Twenty bucks...by the end of the weekend, all my baby stuff will be gone, including the rocking chair that I've clung to for the past 3 years in the hopes of having a baby to hold and soothe in it. We don't always get what we hope for, do we?
I've got a gig tomorrow night and whatever I make there will go towards our goal as well.
I wonder if someday Rusty's kids and my son will ever know or be grateful for all the sacrifices we have made for them?
I hope we accomplish this particular financial goal very soon, because after that I can go to substitute teaching and spending more time at home and going to our kids football games and stuff.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tired and Sad
This will be my third day at my waitressing job...lots of food service drama up there and a few less than desirable employees but a job is a job, even if it's minimum wage. I just need to work long enough for us to be able to pay for lawyer fees for Rusty's son and for the $200 I need to pay my debt to the university so I can get a copy of my transcript and then pay my $40 fee for my background check with the local school district so I can start substitute teaching instead of running around all day with plates of burgers and fries.
I didn't just lose a baby when Jimmy died, I lost my career as well. With Becca and Scarlett's deaths, I have now lost any hope of a future as a mom of a little girl, or any baby for that matter. I need to focus on the kids we have and our finances and it's looking pretty bleak for the moment...we just need to get over this hump and I think we will be ok. But until we get over the hump, I'm feeling kind of down.
It was 2 weeks yesterday that I lost Scarlett and 2 weeks as of today that we buried her.
I'm still bleeding from the birth and that is really keeping me from moving on emotionally...I'm sad and disheartened. Physically, the bleeding combined with the working has gotten me pretty drained...especially since I don't get to eat lunch at work...I eat breakfast and then a snack when I get home at 3pm and then dinner.
I'm so drained and exhausted and sad. I just want to have a good cry and a nice long nap so I can wake up and feel refreshed and then maybe take the dogs for a walk or clean my room or something productive but not stressful.
I don't like my job. I thought I would love it. Turns out, it was just the excitement of the prospect of having a job and getting out and making money...but this is not the job for me...but we need the money so I'm stuck.
I wish I didn't have dead babies, this is not fun.
Lord, please help me make it through the next few weeks without falling apart either physically, mentally, or emotionally.
I didn't just lose a baby when Jimmy died, I lost my career as well. With Becca and Scarlett's deaths, I have now lost any hope of a future as a mom of a little girl, or any baby for that matter. I need to focus on the kids we have and our finances and it's looking pretty bleak for the moment...we just need to get over this hump and I think we will be ok. But until we get over the hump, I'm feeling kind of down.
It was 2 weeks yesterday that I lost Scarlett and 2 weeks as of today that we buried her.
I'm still bleeding from the birth and that is really keeping me from moving on emotionally...I'm sad and disheartened. Physically, the bleeding combined with the working has gotten me pretty drained...especially since I don't get to eat lunch at work...I eat breakfast and then a snack when I get home at 3pm and then dinner.
I'm so drained and exhausted and sad. I just want to have a good cry and a nice long nap so I can wake up and feel refreshed and then maybe take the dogs for a walk or clean my room or something productive but not stressful.
I don't like my job. I thought I would love it. Turns out, it was just the excitement of the prospect of having a job and getting out and making money...but this is not the job for me...but we need the money so I'm stuck.
I wish I didn't have dead babies, this is not fun.
Lord, please help me make it through the next few weeks without falling apart either physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Friday, August 26, 2011
What An Odd Feeling..
...we had a neighbor that adopted a baby boy a couple years ago from a family member of hers.
She told me a couple months ago that the same family members were about to put up another baby for adoption.
I called her on Wednesday to ask her if they would consider me for placement of the baby girl, but she didn't answer her phone.
Last night, our other neighbors on the other side had a stork and balloons in their yard...they have no children of their own and have been wanting kids for over a decade.
I put two and two together, and it was confirmed this morning when I finally got my other neighbor on the phone. She said she didn't know we had lost our baby last week, and when she was making her decision she thought I was still pregnant...plus, she said our other neighbors have NO children whatsoever and at least Rusty and I have kids even if its not with each other.
I am so happy for my neighbors because they are such a loving couple and have been wanting kids for so long. I am also trying hard not to feel sorry for myself because I have no right to be upset...that baby was not meant for me, that baby was meant for them.
God is sending my husband's teenage son back to us from TX...he doesn't like the school down there and wants to come home. This is a HUGE blessing for my husband. HUGE. We have to come up with money for the lawyer to draw up the new custody and child support papers and I have to remind myself that if God had given us that baby, we would be running around using that money to get a lawyer to do the adoption paperwork (my neighbors had to have it all done very quickly, they said it was a very hectic situation) and we wouldn't have been able to focus on my husband's son.
That baby was a blessing meant for our neighbors, not for us. That baby was the answer to their prayers, and my husband's son coming home is an answer to our prayers.
I hope God understands if I am still just a tiny bit disappointed that wasn't my baby...but I believe that He will resolve this whole baby desire issue for me in His time and in His way...look at my neighbors...they have prayed for a baby for over a decade and then all of a sudden in less than 48 hours they got a baby!!
Please God, help me to keep things in perspective and be grateful for the blessings I have been given.
Thank you so much for blessing my neighbors and answering their prayers, and thank you so much for answering our prayers and sending my husband's son back...please bless their relationship and help to mend the broken pieces between them. Please help me to be a good stepmother and continue to be a good mother to my son.
And in your time, please do something about this baby-sized hole in my heart!
Amen.
She told me a couple months ago that the same family members were about to put up another baby for adoption.
I called her on Wednesday to ask her if they would consider me for placement of the baby girl, but she didn't answer her phone.
Last night, our other neighbors on the other side had a stork and balloons in their yard...they have no children of their own and have been wanting kids for over a decade.
I put two and two together, and it was confirmed this morning when I finally got my other neighbor on the phone. She said she didn't know we had lost our baby last week, and when she was making her decision she thought I was still pregnant...plus, she said our other neighbors have NO children whatsoever and at least Rusty and I have kids even if its not with each other.
I am so happy for my neighbors because they are such a loving couple and have been wanting kids for so long. I am also trying hard not to feel sorry for myself because I have no right to be upset...that baby was not meant for me, that baby was meant for them.
God is sending my husband's teenage son back to us from TX...he doesn't like the school down there and wants to come home. This is a HUGE blessing for my husband. HUGE. We have to come up with money for the lawyer to draw up the new custody and child support papers and I have to remind myself that if God had given us that baby, we would be running around using that money to get a lawyer to do the adoption paperwork (my neighbors had to have it all done very quickly, they said it was a very hectic situation) and we wouldn't have been able to focus on my husband's son.
That baby was a blessing meant for our neighbors, not for us. That baby was the answer to their prayers, and my husband's son coming home is an answer to our prayers.
I hope God understands if I am still just a tiny bit disappointed that wasn't my baby...but I believe that He will resolve this whole baby desire issue for me in His time and in His way...look at my neighbors...they have prayed for a baby for over a decade and then all of a sudden in less than 48 hours they got a baby!!
Please God, help me to keep things in perspective and be grateful for the blessings I have been given.
Thank you so much for blessing my neighbors and answering their prayers, and thank you so much for answering our prayers and sending my husband's son back...please bless their relationship and help to mend the broken pieces between them. Please help me to be a good stepmother and continue to be a good mother to my son.
And in your time, please do something about this baby-sized hole in my heart!
Amen.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Hope?
At church tonight, one of my Sunday School class friends approached me about local adoption options.
I have to admit, the sliver of hope she provided was enough to put a little joy back into my heart.
My husband and I have a lot of grieving to do, obviously, and no one can ever replace any of our babies.
But I think after we have healed that we could definitely make room in our hearts for another baby....we have so much love to give and my husband and I are such a good team.
God, even if this isn't your plan for us either, thank you for the hope. That was a pretty quick response to a plea...thank you.
I have to admit, the sliver of hope she provided was enough to put a little joy back into my heart.
My husband and I have a lot of grieving to do, obviously, and no one can ever replace any of our babies.
But I think after we have healed that we could definitely make room in our hearts for another baby....we have so much love to give and my husband and I are such a good team.
God, even if this isn't your plan for us either, thank you for the hope. That was a pretty quick response to a plea...thank you.
Is This Really The End?
Is this really the end of my childbearing years? What a tough pill to swallow.
Yesterday, the doctor told me that it was definitely a cord compression that killed baby Scarlett, and that in any other case he would say that cord accidents are not likely to happen again and to go ahead and try for another baby. But in our case, with 4 fetal demises in less than 2 years, he is pretty sure (and we have suspected this) that Rusty and I both carry some recessive gene for a fatal chromosome abnormality. This makes sense, since we were told that Jimmy had an unknown chromosome abnormality and he looked just like Rusty's sister who has something unknown, but much like down syndrome. This would mean that Becca's premature birth and subsequent death was most likely not the result of an incompetent cervix after all, but most likely it was caused by whatever chromosome abnormality we have that caused premature labor.
The doctor said we could have genetic counseling done, if our insurance will pay for it, but all that will do would be to hopefully give us a name of whatever gene problem we have...it won't make us magically be able to have babies together. We might even get some odds from the geneticist, but so far we are 0 for 4....which is something else the doctor said. He said we could just play the odds game and keep trying for a living baby. He said one couple he knows with a similar problem had a healthy baby and then 6 losses before they had another healthy baby. Somehow, I don't think my husband would go for that....I would, but I'm crazy, so what do I know?? I could just as easily wind up with several more dead babies and the odds of us getting a living child might as well be one in a million...we gave it 4 tries, and we lost 4 times. Why on earth would the fifth or sixth or seventh be any different?
The only other option the doctor gave us would be to seek other spouses who were genetically compatible, but I don't think trading in my husband for a baby is really an option.
Barring a true miracle, a true act of God...for all intents and purposes my husband and I are officially genetically incompatible and unable to create a precious, healthy little being together that would get to stay with us.
That is so monumentally emotionally charged that I can't even begin to process it.
My son, Taylor, changed my life when he was born....I couldn't wait to have more babies...I worked my tail off, pushing myself to the limits, on the verge of giving up many times, and overcame HUGE obstacles to get through 5 years of college as a single parent so that once I had that degree I could finally pursue marriage and children...And then all that hoping and praying to meet the right man to marry and HAVE BABIES. I never married Taylor's dad, and I always felt bad that I was not able to give my son that complete family life...I dreamed of getting married, having babies with my husband, and having a beautiful, FULL, and complete family...I couldn't wait for Taylor to get to be a part of that and to have siblings and for me to have finally "done it right."
And now, after waiting my whole life to get married, finding the man I prayed for, and having my first, last, and only marriage and lifetime commitment....I also find that the second thing I have prayed for my whole life is not possible within this marriage??
I'm going to sit here and just watch the last of my childbearing years just slip away??
Aside from God, who has totally carried me through everything....the hope of future healthy babies is what has made this whole journey over the past two years bearable. The hope of a living baby has helped assuage the grief of the sweet babies that we buried. The hope was always there, and now it is gone. My biggest coping mechanism, HOPE, is gone. Where do I go from here, God? I need you!!!!
Lord, please help me cope with this. I don't understand, and it's really painful.
Yesterday, the doctor told me that it was definitely a cord compression that killed baby Scarlett, and that in any other case he would say that cord accidents are not likely to happen again and to go ahead and try for another baby. But in our case, with 4 fetal demises in less than 2 years, he is pretty sure (and we have suspected this) that Rusty and I both carry some recessive gene for a fatal chromosome abnormality. This makes sense, since we were told that Jimmy had an unknown chromosome abnormality and he looked just like Rusty's sister who has something unknown, but much like down syndrome. This would mean that Becca's premature birth and subsequent death was most likely not the result of an incompetent cervix after all, but most likely it was caused by whatever chromosome abnormality we have that caused premature labor.
The doctor said we could have genetic counseling done, if our insurance will pay for it, but all that will do would be to hopefully give us a name of whatever gene problem we have...it won't make us magically be able to have babies together. We might even get some odds from the geneticist, but so far we are 0 for 4....which is something else the doctor said. He said we could just play the odds game and keep trying for a living baby. He said one couple he knows with a similar problem had a healthy baby and then 6 losses before they had another healthy baby. Somehow, I don't think my husband would go for that....I would, but I'm crazy, so what do I know?? I could just as easily wind up with several more dead babies and the odds of us getting a living child might as well be one in a million...we gave it 4 tries, and we lost 4 times. Why on earth would the fifth or sixth or seventh be any different?
The only other option the doctor gave us would be to seek other spouses who were genetically compatible, but I don't think trading in my husband for a baby is really an option.
Barring a true miracle, a true act of God...for all intents and purposes my husband and I are officially genetically incompatible and unable to create a precious, healthy little being together that would get to stay with us.
That is so monumentally emotionally charged that I can't even begin to process it.
My son, Taylor, changed my life when he was born....I couldn't wait to have more babies...I worked my tail off, pushing myself to the limits, on the verge of giving up many times, and overcame HUGE obstacles to get through 5 years of college as a single parent so that once I had that degree I could finally pursue marriage and children...And then all that hoping and praying to meet the right man to marry and HAVE BABIES. I never married Taylor's dad, and I always felt bad that I was not able to give my son that complete family life...I dreamed of getting married, having babies with my husband, and having a beautiful, FULL, and complete family...I couldn't wait for Taylor to get to be a part of that and to have siblings and for me to have finally "done it right."
And now, after waiting my whole life to get married, finding the man I prayed for, and having my first, last, and only marriage and lifetime commitment....I also find that the second thing I have prayed for my whole life is not possible within this marriage??
I'm going to sit here and just watch the last of my childbearing years just slip away??
Aside from God, who has totally carried me through everything....the hope of future healthy babies is what has made this whole journey over the past two years bearable. The hope of a living baby has helped assuage the grief of the sweet babies that we buried. The hope was always there, and now it is gone. My biggest coping mechanism, HOPE, is gone. Where do I go from here, God? I need you!!!!
Lord, please help me cope with this. I don't understand, and it's really painful.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Time To Move On. Already?
Well, this definitely doesn't feel like our other losses. Surprise your baby is dead on Tuesday and born a few hours later, buried privately the next day, and almost a week later, starting to get "back to normal" already.
I have my post-partum check-up tomorrow, and I will be asking the doctor's opinion on what, if anything, we could do to have a living baby...I'd like to do whatever I can and wait a year and try again. I'm just not ready to face the reality of no living babies.
For now, I need to get on with my life for the sake of my sanity and for my husband and our kids.
So, after my appointment tomorrow I am going to apply for a job as a server at a local restaurant. (I know I have a college degree but there just are not any jobs around here and there is a good chance I can work lunches only which shouldn't interfere with the time needed to help my son with his homework in the evenings and me cooking dinner and spending time with my family.)
Maybe by next week I'll be working again. I also signed up to help out at church on Wednesday nights and I'll probably rejoin the choir and maybe even get back on my little side gigs making $50 a month playing guitar and singing locally.
Rusty and I had our first Financial class at church yesterday (2 hours every Sunday for 10 weeks) and I really feel like this is a great opportunity for us...we have both been super close the past week and still managed to get our homework done in preparation for this class. I think our marriage is going to be just fine.
Aside from a little bleeding, like a period disappearing, I'm physically fine and even wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes. I didn't have to deal with breast engorgement this time around either, thank God, although my breasts are a little heavier and fuller and do have some milk...I'm fairly certain it will all be gone within a few days.
We got one sympathy card in the mail, from a friend in Texas. We've had a couple of people give us a hug at church. But for the most part, it's like it never happened....no funeral, no flowers, no cards, no phone calls, no flock of sympathetic people hugging us to death at church.
I'd like to say I was upset about that, but really...I just want to move on. I want this to be over. I don't want anymore reminders that I won't be having a baby any time soon, or possibly never.
I just want to not have to be sad.
I have my post-partum check-up tomorrow, and I will be asking the doctor's opinion on what, if anything, we could do to have a living baby...I'd like to do whatever I can and wait a year and try again. I'm just not ready to face the reality of no living babies.
For now, I need to get on with my life for the sake of my sanity and for my husband and our kids.
So, after my appointment tomorrow I am going to apply for a job as a server at a local restaurant. (I know I have a college degree but there just are not any jobs around here and there is a good chance I can work lunches only which shouldn't interfere with the time needed to help my son with his homework in the evenings and me cooking dinner and spending time with my family.)
Maybe by next week I'll be working again. I also signed up to help out at church on Wednesday nights and I'll probably rejoin the choir and maybe even get back on my little side gigs making $50 a month playing guitar and singing locally.
Rusty and I had our first Financial class at church yesterday (2 hours every Sunday for 10 weeks) and I really feel like this is a great opportunity for us...we have both been super close the past week and still managed to get our homework done in preparation for this class. I think our marriage is going to be just fine.
Aside from a little bleeding, like a period disappearing, I'm physically fine and even wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes. I didn't have to deal with breast engorgement this time around either, thank God, although my breasts are a little heavier and fuller and do have some milk...I'm fairly certain it will all be gone within a few days.
We got one sympathy card in the mail, from a friend in Texas. We've had a couple of people give us a hug at church. But for the most part, it's like it never happened....no funeral, no flowers, no cards, no phone calls, no flock of sympathetic people hugging us to death at church.
I'd like to say I was upset about that, but really...I just want to move on. I want this to be over. I don't want anymore reminders that I won't be having a baby any time soon, or possibly never.
I just want to not have to be sad.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Anniversary & Family Time
Rusty and I have our 2 year anniversary on Monday, but we celebrated this weekend. A dear friend gave us a gift card and we went out to dinner and a movie.
You know what? It felt REALLY good! I bought a cheap (yet sexy!) shirt and accessories and got all dressed up, blew-dry my hair, put on make-up and heels, even a push-up bra...stuff I haven't done in a very long time.
It felt so nice to have a romantic evening with my husband...it really helps to know that we have each other and our lives are not over with the death of our children, even though it's heartbreaking....Lord willing, we may have 40 or 50 more years with each other and maybe these first 2 years will seem so...well, different and not so all-consuming after so many years together.
Part of me wants to just move on with our lives together, and another part of me is just so not ready to give up on trying again. Clearly, I must be insane.
God, please guide our hearts and our minds in the right direction.
You know what? It felt REALLY good! I bought a cheap (yet sexy!) shirt and accessories and got all dressed up, blew-dry my hair, put on make-up and heels, even a push-up bra...stuff I haven't done in a very long time.
It felt so nice to have a romantic evening with my husband...it really helps to know that we have each other and our lives are not over with the death of our children, even though it's heartbreaking....Lord willing, we may have 40 or 50 more years with each other and maybe these first 2 years will seem so...well, different and not so all-consuming after so many years together.
Part of me wants to just move on with our lives together, and another part of me is just so not ready to give up on trying again. Clearly, I must be insane.
God, please guide our hearts and our minds in the right direction.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Scarlett, you were beautiful...
...it was hard for me to see...I wanted so much for you to be born full-term and fully developed. It was such a shock to see how far you had yet to grow...I'm so sorry I didn't hold you longer, and I'm so sorry I didn't kiss your forehead and sing to you...I was in shock. I know you were gone already in heaven, but please forgive me for not seeing your beauty right away.
I love you and I miss you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
I'm Angry
I'm angry.
Just angry.
Packing up maternity clothes and baby things. Alone. Why do I have to do this alone?
I don't want to do this alone.
Just angry.
Packing up maternity clothes and baby things. Alone. Why do I have to do this alone?
I don't want to do this alone.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Gone With The Wind
Yesterday morning I was pregnant and full of fear and anxiety about going into surgery...I was afraid of losing the baby due to complications of the procedure and I was afraid of the surgery itself, but mostly scared that I would lose the baby.
As I was getting prepped for surgery, had my IV in and everything, the nurse did I routine check for fetal heart tones. She couldn't find any. The doctor came in and couldn't find any with the doppler either. A third nurse tried unsuccessfully to find the heartbeat while the doctor sat on the bedside waiting for the portable ultrasound machine to warm up.
And then we saw her...tiny little baby on the screen and I kept hoping for movement, holding my breath looking for a kick or a wiggle like last week when I had an ultrasound and the doctor and the tech and I rejoiced because everything looked perfect.
But there was no movement, and there was no heartbeat.
I remember saying "Shit! Oh Shit not again!"
I was induced right away with an oral medicine and vaginal suppository since at 15 and a half weeks, according to the doctor "the pitocin receptors aren't developed yet" so I had that dose, which didn't do too much but cause a tiny bit of fullness feeling down there. The second dose, four hours later worked rather quickly. I didn't have contractions like I would in a full-term delivery, it was just a constant pain with no breaks in between. But I welcomed the pain...I didn't even want tylenol. The only thing in my IV was that saline solution stuff.
When the pain and pressure became excruciating, I had the nurse go get the doctor...he didn't come for 20 minutes and in the meantime I asked if it was too late for an epidural, even though I knew it was. I didn't really want an epidural, I wanted to deliver the baby but I was tired of waiting on the doctor and the pain was becoming unbearable. I didn't cry and I didn't yell, I just gripped the side of the bed and told my husband that it hurt. I knew what my body was doing and I totally cooperated.
The doctor finally came in and I was ready to push. He reached in, told me to push, I cried out and then it was over.
It was over.
Over.
Over.
Over.
My body was instantly free of pain and I was in shock. I managed to snap a photo of the doctor holding my tiny little baby, still attached to the placenta. He showed me part of her umbilical cord, which looked as thin as a string in that section, and told me it looked like a cord compression. He told me there wasn't anything I could have done, and that other than the cord, she looked perfectly formed for her gestational age. He left and the nurse took the baby and brought her back.
She didn't look anything like Jimmy or Becca. She had perfect hands and feet and I could even see her tiny little fingernails! But she was all red, shiny, and squishy. She wasn't fully cooked...she was a "raw" baby. I saw all of the parts of her that had formed and saw that she had a long ways to go...she had one eye half open, bless her little heart, and her little ears were perfectly formed but just so tiny on her head...her skin had not formed yet. I saw the red veins in her little legs, and when I opened her mouth with my finger, I saw the beginnings of the tiniest lips and teeth I had ever seen in my life. And then I cried.
We took pictures, but we didn't have a real camera, just iPhones, so I don't know how well they came out...part of me is ok with that, because she just wasn't formed yet and I want to protect her...I don't want anyone to see the photos but me and my husband...she was our baby, no matter what she looked like.
In the photo in this post, I am holding me sweet little angel, I just have her covered up and protected.
I'm so confused and lost in this...I don't feel the deep, deep despair that I felt with Jimmy, and I don't feel quite the grief that I did with Becca either. I know part of it is shock, but another part knows that God will get us through this, just like he has every other time.
I'm really sad and hurt. Not just for losing this baby, but because I'm not quite sure how to grieve this baby...I have different feelings since it was so early and I wasn't as attached and she didn't look as much like a baby as Jimmy and Becca...I hadn't gotten to bond with her yet. I don't know how to feel. Just sad and confused.
The hardest part is this was our last attempt....there is no way that 4 baby deaths in 2 years can be a coincidence...there has got to be something wrong with either me or my husband or our compatibility. We do not have the resources either financially or emotionally to try and figure it out...he is almost 40, I'm 31, he is struggling to maintain a relationship with his 10 and 14 year old who just moved 8 hours away with their mother, and I have a 9 year old son who needs me to be fully present. As hard as my husband and I have had it, our children have struggled through a blended family and the loss of several of their siblings. They hurt too, and we can't do this to them again.
Somehow, we have to say goodbye to the idea of us ever having a baby, because it is just not going to happen and that breaks our hearts...we both wanted to give each other the gift of a living baby so badly....it hurts us both that we cannot give that to each other.
We have to focus on our family as it is, and our marriage....Monday will be our 2 year anniversary...I was pregnant with Jimmy on our wedding day, I was pregnant with Becca on our 1 year anniversary...and now....now.
God grant us peace and strength please.
I have to go to the funeral home now and make arrangements...we want her buried in between Jimmy and Becca, but we don't want a funeral. Rusty and I have just kept this so private this time, we didn't have anyone in the hospital and didn't tell anyone until Scarlett was born. (Well, we called and told the kids first.) I think its good for our marriage to keep this so close to our hearts.
Monday, August 15, 2011
When I was a kid...
...I wanted to be a hero some day.
After a traumatic childhood that warrants writing a novel (but I'm too lazy!), turns out I was pretty much beat down and cowardly...playing the victim seemed to be a role I was stuck in over and over until I went through years of therapy.
Now, after everything I've been through in life, and especially losing my babies, I sometimes feel like it takes heroic actions just to get through normal everyday things.
I don't suppose I'll ever get to be a hero like Mother Teresa or Joan of Arc like I daydreamed when I was a little girl, but that doesn't mean that I can't be an inspiration...and it doesn't mean that I won't have to be a hero in my own life...facing surgery tomorrow, seems like I'll need some of that courage I thought I had when I was a girl.
Maybe, God will give me a living baby this go 'round, and then I will get to feel like all of these things I suffered through the past couple of years were just heroic actions leading to getting my daughter here....
Off to my pre-op, and then surgery tomorrow morning.
After a traumatic childhood that warrants writing a novel (but I'm too lazy!), turns out I was pretty much beat down and cowardly...playing the victim seemed to be a role I was stuck in over and over until I went through years of therapy.
Now, after everything I've been through in life, and especially losing my babies, I sometimes feel like it takes heroic actions just to get through normal everyday things.
I don't suppose I'll ever get to be a hero like Mother Teresa or Joan of Arc like I daydreamed when I was a little girl, but that doesn't mean that I can't be an inspiration...and it doesn't mean that I won't have to be a hero in my own life...facing surgery tomorrow, seems like I'll need some of that courage I thought I had when I was a girl.
Maybe, God will give me a living baby this go 'round, and then I will get to feel like all of these things I suffered through the past couple of years were just heroic actions leading to getting my daughter here....
Off to my pre-op, and then surgery tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Surgery?
Today, at 14 weeks and 4 days, I found out what gender the baby is. I also found out that if I'm going to get a preventative cerclage, I need to have it done within a week.
This is tough because there is a risk, small though it may be, of losing the pregnancy with this procedure. We don't know if losing Becca was because my cervix gave out, because I had a hole/small tear in the amniotic sac that led to preterm labor, or for some other cause.
We could always take the wait and see approach, which would be excellent if it turns out I don't have an incompetent cervix and I could just breeze through the rest of this pregnancy.
However, if I actually do have a cervical competency issue, by the time it became a problem (4 to 6 weeks from now when the baby's weight puts pressure on the cervix), I could dilate too quickly and lose the baby before we could do anything about it.
Looks like I may be having outpatient surgery next week.
I'm terrified, really, but I'm just praying that God has this under control and I pray that we are doing the right thing.
This is tough because there is a risk, small though it may be, of losing the pregnancy with this procedure. We don't know if losing Becca was because my cervix gave out, because I had a hole/small tear in the amniotic sac that led to preterm labor, or for some other cause.
We could always take the wait and see approach, which would be excellent if it turns out I don't have an incompetent cervix and I could just breeze through the rest of this pregnancy.
However, if I actually do have a cervical competency issue, by the time it became a problem (4 to 6 weeks from now when the baby's weight puts pressure on the cervix), I could dilate too quickly and lose the baby before we could do anything about it.
Looks like I may be having outpatient surgery next week.
I'm terrified, really, but I'm just praying that God has this under control and I pray that we are doing the right thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)