Why So Tough, Katie?

I got pregnant with Becca at the same time as my really good friend, J.

J and I would call each other on the phone (she lives 6 hours away) and say stuff like "my belly is waving to your belly!!"

She came down to visit today...I gave her a bunch of baby stuff including most of Jimmy's baby clothes since she is having a boy and she is giving him the middle name James as sort of a tribute to my angel boy.

She cried a few times and I just kept smiling and hugged her and told her "its fine don't be sad, my babies are both in heaven, your hormones are running amok right now so you're just more sad than usual", etc.

I didn't want her to be sad because she was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt her. When I talked to her on the phone after Becca died, she was sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe almost. I calmed her down then, and I stayed perky today.

What I really wanted to do was sob and fall apart and say "my belly misses your belly" and hug her and cry with her but I choked it all back....my husband says I should have just cried with her, but I just couldn't!! I was afraid she would get herself all worked up and that stress isn't good for her baby.

My husband also bought me a small cake and a blue "1" candle so I could have cake with the boys today for Jimmy's birthday....(Jimmy died one year ago today and was born one year ago Sunday).

My husband didn't want to do it with me I could tell, (he says birthdays and celebrations and stuff for dead babies is stupid.) so J and my son and I went in the kitchen to light the candle and sing happy birthday to Jimmy while my students were in the living room and my husband was in the shower.

Again, I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it all back and smile.

Right now, I just want to sob but I can't because the boys are still here and my husband is enjoying his day off....

I also feel a little angry...angry because somehow I feel like I was robbed of my chance to cry. I'm not angry that my friend is pregnant, but its kinda unfair that she gets the pregnancy AND the right to cry during my grieving period for Becca and Jimmy's death and birth anniversary weekend.....the cake and the going through the baby clothes and stuff were all things that required shedding a few tears for emotional closure....but all these tears are still boxed up and my chest is tight.

Its not just J...I have several friends in different walks of life right now that depend on my strength.

Right now, though, I don't want to be strong, I want to just fall apart and sob for awhile.

Its my turn!

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks today since Becca was born and died. Two weeks. It feels like forever.
I'm done bleeding, my stomach is relatively flat, I'm wearing normal clothes, and nothing hurts but my heart.
The only thing left, really, is the milk in my breasts that is rapidly being absorbed back into my body as the production stopped after about 5 days of not feeding a baby.

I've been homeschooling the boys again since Monday and I've been trying to find something else for me to do, but the things I want to do have fallen through and the things that are available to do are things that seem empty and hollow.

My hormones are fluctuating still, I can tell, but I'm dealing with it better than I did last year when Jimmy died. I hope I can get through the next 3 months of holidays and intense grieving without hurting the ones I love or falling into a depression.

I miss you sweet daughter.

Things To Do Instead Of Having A Baby

1. Drink a beer.
2. ....


Hmmmmm. This will require more thought.


I tried googling it...lots of people out there who can't have babies, but none of them seem to be doing anything other than obsessing over the fact that they can't have babies and/or trying to find a loophole or way around it it like adoption, surrogates, etc.

Where are the people who WANT to have more babies but CAN'T and are focusing on moving ahead in life? Where are these people and what are they doing instead of procreating?

Where Do I Go From Here?

Where do I go from here?

I've spent the last two years going back and forth between being pregnant and grieving...pregnant with Jimmy, Mom died, Jimmy died, Grandma died, pregnant again, miscarriage, pregnant again, premature birth and infant loss...all in an 18 month span.
....in that same time frame I got married, moved, blended families (Oh the drama and the hard work involved!), and swapped my career for staying at home to grieve, go through another failed pregnancy, and home school my only living child.

Lord....where do I go from here?

My life has revolved around pregnancy, hoping for babies, and grief and loss.

What do I do now?

More specifically, God, what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? Seems like in the bible, it was always perfectly clear what you wanted people to do. I've tried my best to be faithful....so where is my burning bush? Where is my booming voice from the sky telling me what to do? Where is the guiding hand of the man who walks on water? Am I missing something that's right in front of my face? Open my eyes and my ears, Lord, so I can see and hear! Remove whatever veil is preventing me from seeing what it is you have intended for me...

I'm all fired up for you God...I've been through so much and knocked down so many times that I'm tired of it and I'm ready to stand up and fight...but what am I fighting or what am I fighting for?

Just give me some guidance, God. Point me in the right direction...please.

Amen?

I Miss You

What Now?

Is God saying no for right now or is God saying no forever?

Am I to focus on my one living child and my two step-children and give up on the idea of ever having a baby? I can handle losing 2 babies but I don't know if I can handle losing the chance to EVER have another baby.

Realistically, I need to finish out this homeschooling year, put my son back in public school and get a fulltime career job and help my husband get us out of debt and out of this tiny house and into a nice neighborhood.

Unrealistically, I want to get pregnant again right away and worry about getting a bigger house and getting out of debt after I've gotten the baby thing out of the way.

What am I supposed to do, God?

My Babies Were So Beautiful

Jimmy




Becca