I'm Angry

I'm angry.

I'm angry that my babies are dead and I'm angry that other people have their babies in their arms when I don't.

I don't like being angry. There's nowhere for this anger to go.

Almost 4 Weeks....God or Grief?

I have heard people say to pray for what your heart desires and many times God will either grant you what you have been hurting for (in his time) or he will take the desire away....

I've been getting a lot of *signs* lately...our house being too small, finances being too tight, being overrun with homeschooling my only living child (an 8 year old) and his schoolmates (I homeschool a 6 year old and a 9 year old for a single father), enjoying my alone time with my husband and my physical freedom away from pregnancy. We got a puppy last weekend and have been up nights to let it out, cleaning up messes in the house and trying to train it, caring for her while she was sick, taking her to the vet, spending $$ on her....in just a week we've gone through a lot of things that remind us of all the not so great things about having babies.....

Everyone talks about all the cutesy stuff and when we long for a baby we think buying clothes and giggles and cute little baby farts. We don't think about arguments over finances, fears and discomfort over illnesses, extreme sleep deprivation, the inability to do ANYTHING for longer than a minute or two....the complete sacrifice of mind and body and personal life for 9 months plus the first couple of years.

Most of the time, any of us would be perfectly willing to overcome those obstacles, find ways around them, and happily suffer through the rest.

Not me, not right now...the puppy is irritating me when she's not being cute, hahaha, and the lack of sleep over the past week has been a huge burden on me physically and emotionally.

So, I'm not sure if this is me talking out of grief and physical exhaustion of 17 months of pregnancy out of the past two years and 3 dead babies, or if this is God gradually easing me into a life that does not include any more children.

Even through his own grief, my husband is content with our family the way it is. He is perfectly happy with the two kids he has from his previous marriage...its me who has wanted the babies.

And now, with his two kids and my one gone for the week for Thanksgiving with their other parents, and us with a week to ourselves....I'm rather enjoying the peace and quiet.

Is God answering my prayer by taking away my desire for a baby or am I just convincing myself of this because of my grief and because I am physically run down?

This Is How I Feel....

...feel like all my hopes and dreams "went up in smoke." This is the last photo of me and my daughter.(I used an app to do this, I did NOT actually burn any of my pictures!!!)



I'm just so incredibly sad at the moment.

I understand that being sad is part of grief and loss just like feeling angry and all the other grieving emotions...I just wish I didn't have to feel them. I wish I could be peppy and cheerful and uplifting all the time.

Today, I wish I was still pregnant....I miss you, Baby Becca.

Becca's Gravestone Is In Now

They called my husband and let him know they were going out to put her gravestone in...he came during his lunch break and we went so we could be there while they did it.



My two babies' earthly bodies both have gravestones. Mommy misses you, babies.



Daddy misses you too.

Where Do I Belong?

Still waiting for my 6 week check-up to roll around so I can hopefully get some answers on why we lost Becca. Some clarification, closure, and future options would go a long way for healing right now. 3 more weeks.

At the moment, I am accepting that we will not be having a baby any time soon and I am trying to focus on other things in life like my family and our home. A LOT of housecleaning and decorating and cooking going on...maybe I'll eventually get this domestic thing down....its hard putting a tomboy in an apron.

I'm just not sure where I belong right now.

Happy First Heavenly Birthday, Jimmy

Here is the Heavenly Birthday song that I modified from the "Happy Birthday" song that everyone sings for their living children....today I sang it for you, son:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEOBqOyMTXY

We Got A Puppy Instead...

Rusty and I had a rough night Friday night. We had a HUGE fight. It all finally blew up as neither one of us knew how to express our feelings about it being the one year anniversary of the night that Jimmy died.
We finally came together and cried and held each other and prayed together. We prayed for a lot of things...Rusty held me as he prayed for both of us. One of the things we prayed for was hope.

The next day we went to Tupelo to the flea market and wound up coming home with this:



She is a Siberian Husky, and we do not have a name for her yet.

Rusty has been talking about wanting a dog of his own to raise from being a puppy and he wanted a German Shepard or a boxer but then we saw these at the flea market and he decided he wanted her....I totally did not disagree.

Of course, now we get to experience the no sleeping and all the poop cleaning of having a baby....along with seeing each other "parent"....we've been taking turns getting up. It's my turn...that is why I'm up at 3am.

I wish I was getting up to soothe a baby's crying, not a puppy's howling and whining....especially because the dog training book says we have to ignore the howling and whining and just let her out to pee every 2-3 hours at night but we can't hold her or pet her as she'll see that as a reward for her whining and howling to be let out and she'll do it every night.....so not only do I not get to sleep, I don't get to comfort anybody.

:(

At least we can hold her in the morning....she's a great distraction, and a lot of work.