Taylor loves his new school so things are working out for him and that makes me a very happy Momma.
I'm still trying to find a job...they're hard to come by. Applied for one on base that I would probably have gotten they said were it not for someone applying for the job who actually held that same position 10 years ago.
There was only one job that was not a machine worker at the steel mill from the temp agency. I haven't heard anything back from that job or the couple of others I applied for from the unemployment office listings.
There's just not much to be had these days as far as jobs go. Not in our neck of the woods anyway. We're not hurting, praise the Lord, but we sure don't have ANY wiggle room at all in our budget and we're stretched pretty thin. (As in if anything comes up like the truck breaks down or something we're in trouble.) In order to meet any of our goals and get out of debt, I'm going to have to find a job soon.
In the meantime I'm making jewelry and looking around to see if anyone wants to make some music. Went back to church, trying to get back into the swing of things, and start marriage counseling on the 21st to try and help us deal with the aftermath of losing our babies.
It's like rebuilding after a hurricane.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
How Funny...
...that I spent last week advising two friends and trying to help them save their marriage from the problems arising from the grief of losing a child...and here I am, struggling to keep my own marriage from falling apart.
I think my husband put it well when he said that I feel like I have no control over anything and that making the decision to leave him would be one of the few things I do have control over and would make me feel like I had regained control over my own life.
Pretty astute and pretty accurate.
I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. With everything that has happened in the past two years with me losing my mom and effectively becoming an adult orphan, losing 3 babies and all hope of being a stay at home mom and housewife, my only surviving child going back to school and me not being a homeschool mom, not having a job and no career prospects with a degree I cannot use......WHO AM I AND WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I BE DOING?
I am SO lost and so confused right now...maintaining my marriage and dealing with all the issues arising from our current circumstances and dealing with his ex and his kids and our financial issues, etc...I just feel like throwing in the towel. Not because I don't love my husband, just out of sheer mental and emotional exhaustion.
I just want peace from pain and worry and anxiety and drama and everything else.
I think my husband put it well when he said that I feel like I have no control over anything and that making the decision to leave him would be one of the few things I do have control over and would make me feel like I had regained control over my own life.
Pretty astute and pretty accurate.
I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. With everything that has happened in the past two years with me losing my mom and effectively becoming an adult orphan, losing 3 babies and all hope of being a stay at home mom and housewife, my only surviving child going back to school and me not being a homeschool mom, not having a job and no career prospects with a degree I cannot use......WHO AM I AND WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I BE DOING?
I am SO lost and so confused right now...maintaining my marriage and dealing with all the issues arising from our current circumstances and dealing with his ex and his kids and our financial issues, etc...I just feel like throwing in the towel. Not because I don't love my husband, just out of sheer mental and emotional exhaustion.
I just want peace from pain and worry and anxiety and drama and everything else.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Moving Right Along....
....got an appointment with the school tomorrow that Taylor will hopefully be enrolling in. Going to fill out all the paperwork and hope everything works out.
Tomorrow evening we have DHS coming to our home to see if we qualify to be foster parents. My husband insists that we don't have enough room and my friends have pointed out that while I would make an excellent foster mother, now is just not the right time.
Doesn't hurt to have them come talk to us though...it at least makes me feel like I'm doing something.
Waiting on a call about a job...they are calling for interviews this week so I'm hoping I get called, interviewed, and land the position.
I think its starting to sink in that I may never be having any more kids of my own...at this point, I'm just ready to stop hurting and if that means no babies, then I will just have to learn to live with that.
Tomorrow evening we have DHS coming to our home to see if we qualify to be foster parents. My husband insists that we don't have enough room and my friends have pointed out that while I would make an excellent foster mother, now is just not the right time.
Doesn't hurt to have them come talk to us though...it at least makes me feel like I'm doing something.
Waiting on a call about a job...they are calling for interviews this week so I'm hoping I get called, interviewed, and land the position.
I think its starting to sink in that I may never be having any more kids of my own...at this point, I'm just ready to stop hurting and if that means no babies, then I will just have to learn to live with that.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
RIP Nevada Rose
Dear Jimmy and Becca,
Mommy and Daddy just sent you a puppy. Take good care of her, and tell her we love her and miss her. Thinking of you always,
Love Mommy and Daddy
Monday, December 27, 2010
Our Puppy Has Parvo...
...well dangit.
Nevada, our new Siberian Husky puppy has parvo. Took her to the vet today because she was ill yesterday but today she was lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink.
She has roundworms, hookworms, parvovirus, and a secondary bacterial infection of the gastro-intestinal tract.
The vet gave her a one in four chance of survival.
Great!
He said treatment at home, in his 40 some years of experience, does not significantly alter outcome as compared to treatment at the clinic...so she is on several different meds and oral electrolytes every 30 minutes.
Speaking of that...its about time to give her some more.
Lord, I get that we couldn't have babies...but, seriously, can't we at least keep a stinkin' puppy alive for pete's sake???
More for my husband than for me....he has put sooooo much love into this dog and let his guard down and opened his heart in ways that he couldn't when I was pregnant and we knew we might lose our babies.
Please don't make my husband have to go through another loss. We've been calling this dog Daddy's baby and everything. He even gets up in the middle of the night to take her out to pee. He loves this puppy like crazy!
God, please don't take my husband's puppy-daughter. Please.
Nevada, our new Siberian Husky puppy has parvo. Took her to the vet today because she was ill yesterday but today she was lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink.
She has roundworms, hookworms, parvovirus, and a secondary bacterial infection of the gastro-intestinal tract.
The vet gave her a one in four chance of survival.
Great!
He said treatment at home, in his 40 some years of experience, does not significantly alter outcome as compared to treatment at the clinic...so she is on several different meds and oral electrolytes every 30 minutes.
Speaking of that...its about time to give her some more.
Lord, I get that we couldn't have babies...but, seriously, can't we at least keep a stinkin' puppy alive for pete's sake???
More for my husband than for me....he has put sooooo much love into this dog and let his guard down and opened his heart in ways that he couldn't when I was pregnant and we knew we might lose our babies.
Please don't make my husband have to go through another loss. We've been calling this dog Daddy's baby and everything. He even gets up in the middle of the night to take her out to pee. He loves this puppy like crazy!
God, please don't take my husband's puppy-daughter. Please.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Relieved
Ran into some friends today...good, good, good people. We ran into each other at Old Navy where she was looking for maternity clothes but she didn't find anything...They are expecting their first child, a girl, and so I invited them over to take all my maternity and baby stuff off my hands.
I gave them everything except for a few special baby outfits that belong to Becca and Jimmy and the bassinet. Everything else went with them.
I'll probably be sad later, but right now I feel relieved and happy that all this stuff is going to such good people.
I think maybe I'll lay some more boards down in the attic in the next few weeks now that I have all that space cleared out. Maybe run an extension cord up there and create a little play area/work space.
God, I'm ready for whatever you've got in store for me...
I gave them everything except for a few special baby outfits that belong to Becca and Jimmy and the bassinet. Everything else went with them.
I'll probably be sad later, but right now I feel relieved and happy that all this stuff is going to such good people.
I think maybe I'll lay some more boards down in the attic in the next few weeks now that I have all that space cleared out. Maybe run an extension cord up there and create a little play area/work space.
God, I'm ready for whatever you've got in store for me...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Is this part of progress or evidence of disintegration?
Things came to a head tonight on the blended family front.
Taylor was in his room crying after I and the other kids had said some hurtful things to him. I went in there and sat down on the bed with him and he reiterated that he was unhappy because everyone in his life was mean to him. He told me I was mean to him, and I gotta admit he was right. I've been mean to him. I was just talking with Rusty about this a couple of days ago....I have been trying so hard to please everyone that it was easier for me to just go along with Rusty, Chance, and Bailey when it came to Taylor...that's not right. I should have been standing up for my son.
I'll admit, that in the beginning, I was standing up for Taylor but realized how much fighting and arguing it caused. So I just gave in and just ignored when they made snide comments, insults, and were outright mean to him including Chance picking on Taylor physically. And my husband, who outright admits he finds my son incredibly annoying but insists he likes him...my husband never says anything to his kids about picking on Taylor and insists that Taylor is annoying on purpose, starts stuff on purpose, and in general any time Taylor is around and there is any type of disagreement or annoyance it's all Taylor's fault. My husband also insists that when Taylor cries it has nothing to do with the fact that Taylor is being picked on, its "because he's manipulating me" and actually told Taylor right in front of me that he was "onto him and knew all the games"....
So tonight, Taylor cried and told me that he was unhappy and was tired of being picked on. Myself, having just had this argument with Rusty the other night when I said I was sick of the way my son was being treated, decided to listen to my son...I promised him 3 things: 1) I would stop yelling at him, 2) I would stand up for him, and 3) I wouldn't let anyone pick on him anymore in our home. Taylor made sure to say "Mom, if its bullies at school, I'll take care of it. I don't want to be embarassed by my mom. But at home, make Chance and Bailey stop being mean to me."
We all wound up having a family meeting in Bailey's room after Taylor touched something of hers and she yelled at him and I told her "stop picking on my son." She got upset and Rusty came in and we brought Taylor in and Rusty brought Chance in and we had a family meeting of sorts about treating people fairly and not picking on people (Taylor.) I thought it went well, although I kept having to point out to Rusty that he was being sarcastic...he even looked at Chance and said something along the lines of "so, what can we do to make Taylor less annoying?" and I said, see Rusty, that has GOT to stop. Your kids take their cues from you, and that is inappropriate. Rusty apologized but he just doesn't get it...he is still conveying to his kids that it is ok to see Taylor as annoying and a second class citizen (i.e. Taylor is not as good as/well-behaved as/worthy as/whatever as he and his children are) and basically that they have to be nice to him to appease me...I'm sick of it. Rusty does not genuinely care about my child. It shows in his words and actions and when I call him on it, he says "you don't just start liking someone overnight, this whole thing won't just happen overnight" and I reminded him that it hasn't been "overnight" it's been a year and four months. A year and a half and he STILL does not like my son, is obviously distant and not nice to him. I am not waiting around for my son to be treated fairly. I can't believe I put everyone else before my own child.
Anyway, everyone went to bed and Taylor was crying because Chance won't let him have any light on and he is afraid of the dark. (Chance and Taylor share a room and usually Taylor is asleep by the time Chance comes in so Chance turns the light off when he goes to bed.) Bailey has her lamp on every night in her room, so I figure this is the opportunity for me to start standing up for Taylor, especially since Chance called Taylor a crybaby and we JUST had that conversation.... So I go in the room and turn the lamp on and Chance wants it off. I said well, it's Taylor's room too and he is afraid of the dark, why don't you put the pillow over your head or something and Chance said no and said he was going to sleep on the couch and I said no, you're going to sleep in your bed. We're not sleeping on the couches that is what we have beds for. He got angry and Rusty got out of bed and Chance told me how much he hated me, how he's not coming over here, how much he hates my personality and everything about me, etc and I said well, you don't have to like me but I live here, I make rules and you have to respect me and follow them and he said no I don't what are you gonna do about it. And I said I'm not going to stand here and have a control battle with you and he glares at me and goes "i'm standing here" and I said fine keep standing there but the lamp stays on and you're not sleeping on the couch. Rusty comes in and tells Chance "sorry, go to bed, sorry you can't turn the lamp off" (which, of course, makes it sound like Rusty sides with Chance and thinks this whole thing is ridiculous) and Chance slams the door, Rusty opens the door and raises his voice and tells Chance he can't slam the door and to lay down.
So...I partially see this as progress because at least there is honesty around here, communication, and Rusty has somewhat disciplined his kids and realized I'm serious about Taylor being treated fairly.
On the other hand, its the same ol' crap that I'm mad about...Taylor keeps getting picked on and called a crybaby...still treated like a second class citizen by his stepfather and his stepsiblings while Rusty brushes it off with "blood is thicker than water" (to explain his children's behavior that he sees nothing wrong with) and "Taylor is annoying on purpose and a crybaby"......
I've left out so much, but that's enough already. I just know that Taylor has had a LOT to deal with...we moved from Starkville, Taylor left ALL his friends his school his life his hometown and Rusty's kids lives have not changed other than someone new moving in. Taylor has had a LOT to deal with as far as adjustments go and by God he has been a trooper...and it really angers me that any time I bring that up my husband brushes that off and gets mad at me for bringing it up and says it means nothing...he REFUSES to acknowledge or have any sympathy at all for how much Taylor has gone through and sacrificed to be a part of this family.
Anyway, I'm not distracted by pregnancies anymore. I have thrown my son under the bus for far too long just so I could have peace in this house, but at what expense?? This shit is going to stop right now.
Taylor was in his room crying after I and the other kids had said some hurtful things to him. I went in there and sat down on the bed with him and he reiterated that he was unhappy because everyone in his life was mean to him. He told me I was mean to him, and I gotta admit he was right. I've been mean to him. I was just talking with Rusty about this a couple of days ago....I have been trying so hard to please everyone that it was easier for me to just go along with Rusty, Chance, and Bailey when it came to Taylor...that's not right. I should have been standing up for my son.
I'll admit, that in the beginning, I was standing up for Taylor but realized how much fighting and arguing it caused. So I just gave in and just ignored when they made snide comments, insults, and were outright mean to him including Chance picking on Taylor physically. And my husband, who outright admits he finds my son incredibly annoying but insists he likes him...my husband never says anything to his kids about picking on Taylor and insists that Taylor is annoying on purpose, starts stuff on purpose, and in general any time Taylor is around and there is any type of disagreement or annoyance it's all Taylor's fault. My husband also insists that when Taylor cries it has nothing to do with the fact that Taylor is being picked on, its "because he's manipulating me" and actually told Taylor right in front of me that he was "onto him and knew all the games"....
So tonight, Taylor cried and told me that he was unhappy and was tired of being picked on. Myself, having just had this argument with Rusty the other night when I said I was sick of the way my son was being treated, decided to listen to my son...I promised him 3 things: 1) I would stop yelling at him, 2) I would stand up for him, and 3) I wouldn't let anyone pick on him anymore in our home. Taylor made sure to say "Mom, if its bullies at school, I'll take care of it. I don't want to be embarassed by my mom. But at home, make Chance and Bailey stop being mean to me."
We all wound up having a family meeting in Bailey's room after Taylor touched something of hers and she yelled at him and I told her "stop picking on my son." She got upset and Rusty came in and we brought Taylor in and Rusty brought Chance in and we had a family meeting of sorts about treating people fairly and not picking on people (Taylor.) I thought it went well, although I kept having to point out to Rusty that he was being sarcastic...he even looked at Chance and said something along the lines of "so, what can we do to make Taylor less annoying?" and I said, see Rusty, that has GOT to stop. Your kids take their cues from you, and that is inappropriate. Rusty apologized but he just doesn't get it...he is still conveying to his kids that it is ok to see Taylor as annoying and a second class citizen (i.e. Taylor is not as good as/well-behaved as/worthy as/whatever as he and his children are) and basically that they have to be nice to him to appease me...I'm sick of it. Rusty does not genuinely care about my child. It shows in his words and actions and when I call him on it, he says "you don't just start liking someone overnight, this whole thing won't just happen overnight" and I reminded him that it hasn't been "overnight" it's been a year and four months. A year and a half and he STILL does not like my son, is obviously distant and not nice to him. I am not waiting around for my son to be treated fairly. I can't believe I put everyone else before my own child.
Anyway, everyone went to bed and Taylor was crying because Chance won't let him have any light on and he is afraid of the dark. (Chance and Taylor share a room and usually Taylor is asleep by the time Chance comes in so Chance turns the light off when he goes to bed.) Bailey has her lamp on every night in her room, so I figure this is the opportunity for me to start standing up for Taylor, especially since Chance called Taylor a crybaby and we JUST had that conversation.... So I go in the room and turn the lamp on and Chance wants it off. I said well, it's Taylor's room too and he is afraid of the dark, why don't you put the pillow over your head or something and Chance said no and said he was going to sleep on the couch and I said no, you're going to sleep in your bed. We're not sleeping on the couches that is what we have beds for. He got angry and Rusty got out of bed and Chance told me how much he hated me, how he's not coming over here, how much he hates my personality and everything about me, etc and I said well, you don't have to like me but I live here, I make rules and you have to respect me and follow them and he said no I don't what are you gonna do about it. And I said I'm not going to stand here and have a control battle with you and he glares at me and goes "i'm standing here" and I said fine keep standing there but the lamp stays on and you're not sleeping on the couch. Rusty comes in and tells Chance "sorry, go to bed, sorry you can't turn the lamp off" (which, of course, makes it sound like Rusty sides with Chance and thinks this whole thing is ridiculous) and Chance slams the door, Rusty opens the door and raises his voice and tells Chance he can't slam the door and to lay down.
So...I partially see this as progress because at least there is honesty around here, communication, and Rusty has somewhat disciplined his kids and realized I'm serious about Taylor being treated fairly.
On the other hand, its the same ol' crap that I'm mad about...Taylor keeps getting picked on and called a crybaby...still treated like a second class citizen by his stepfather and his stepsiblings while Rusty brushes it off with "blood is thicker than water" (to explain his children's behavior that he sees nothing wrong with) and "Taylor is annoying on purpose and a crybaby"......
I've left out so much, but that's enough already. I just know that Taylor has had a LOT to deal with...we moved from Starkville, Taylor left ALL his friends his school his life his hometown and Rusty's kids lives have not changed other than someone new moving in. Taylor has had a LOT to deal with as far as adjustments go and by God he has been a trooper...and it really angers me that any time I bring that up my husband brushes that off and gets mad at me for bringing it up and says it means nothing...he REFUSES to acknowledge or have any sympathy at all for how much Taylor has gone through and sacrificed to be a part of this family.
Anyway, I'm not distracted by pregnancies anymore. I have thrown my son under the bus for far too long just so I could have peace in this house, but at what expense?? This shit is going to stop right now.
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