Got up and just put two 5lb chickens in the oven to roast for our family gathering after church.
Except I won't be going to church. I hope that is ok with you, God. I'm so sorry but I just don't want the pain right now. Awful to say, since it's not like Jesus got a choice, is it?
I just think about Jimmy on Easter...We got to the hospital on a Friday night and found out Jimmy was dead. I labored all weekend and Jimmy was born on Sunday...we held him and kissed him and said goodbye. Last year at Easter, it's all I could think about. Jesus dying on a Friday and being risen on Sunday...Jimmy's death feels like a mini-Easter. (Not trying to be blasphemous...my son was no Jesus, its just his death on a Friday and birth on Sunday feels like Easter to me...I can't explain it other than that I like to think that Jimmy went to heaven on Sunday when he was born...)
Anyway, God, please forgive me for not going to church today. My heart hurts. I'm a coward and I'm tired of hurting and crying everytime I go to church. It hurts to think about Jesus dying, and it hurts to think about not getting to be in heaven with you and all the angels and all the loved ones who left here.
I just want some peace from the pain.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tomorrow is Easter
...and right now I'm just sad. Had Jimmy lived, he would be old enough to hunt Easter eggs. I get to spend tomorrow with my husband's family and a child who was born right around the time Jimmy was. It's like getting a glimpse of what could have been and as hard as I try to be noble about it, it hurts.
I miss Jimmy so much. I miss Becca so much.
I'm having a hard time being close to God or Jesus right now because it hurts too much...I wish Jesus would float down here in person and heal my broken heart and tell me its ok, God didn't punish me by taking away my babies and that its not because I didn't deserve them. I really need to hear that from him...maybe next weekend though. I hear he's too busy rising from the dead right now.
I miss Jimmy so much. I miss Becca so much.
I'm having a hard time being close to God or Jesus right now because it hurts too much...I wish Jesus would float down here in person and heal my broken heart and tell me its ok, God didn't punish me by taking away my babies and that its not because I didn't deserve them. I really need to hear that from him...maybe next weekend though. I hear he's too busy rising from the dead right now.
Aaaaaand The Crash....
Usually I don't have my tantrum until 3 days before my period starts. Is PMS a few days early?
Went to the only yardsale in the paper today and it wound up being at someone's house that we know who just so happened to have MIRACULOUSLY given birth in her car, by herself, on the way to the hospital...after Becca had died.
I was looking for some clothes since I hardly have anything that fits anymore, what with all the pregnancies and weight gain and subsequent loss...they had mostly baby stuff. Gobs and gobs of baby stuff...baby clothes, baby beds, baby backpacks, baby jumpers, baby toys, baby books, etc.
I bought a dog house and got out of there after making polite conversation.
Got home, and wouldn't ya know it, the dang dogs didn't want to have anything to do with the dog house. I just lost it.
I cried and ranted and wailed for an hour. Just sobbed and yelled and sobbed and sobbed some more.
For the life of me, when I get like this, I can't feel anything but incredible pain and a sense of loss and I just miss my babies SO BAD I can't think of anything else. I can't describe it any other way other than that it hurts so bad you just want to die to get away from it.
I miss my babies. I'm so scared that God won't let us try again or that we'll just wind up with another dead baby. Sometimes I just wish God would tell me what to do....somedays it seems like I am just SO CLOSE to having it all figured out and I'm moving on with my life and then days like today I just completely fall apart and feel just as awful as I did the moment I found out my babies were going to die or were already dead.
My husband just sat there and listened and held me and didn't respond in anger when I yelled and cursed and swore and ranted and tried to blame him and God and myself. In the end I just collapsed and sobbed some more.
There is nothing glamorous about grief. I don't care what they portray in the movies, grief is ugly.
My husband is so patient and unwavering in his faith...I'm blessed. Angry and broken, but blessed..he is a good man.
Went to the only yardsale in the paper today and it wound up being at someone's house that we know who just so happened to have MIRACULOUSLY given birth in her car, by herself, on the way to the hospital...after Becca had died.
I was looking for some clothes since I hardly have anything that fits anymore, what with all the pregnancies and weight gain and subsequent loss...they had mostly baby stuff. Gobs and gobs of baby stuff...baby clothes, baby beds, baby backpacks, baby jumpers, baby toys, baby books, etc.
I bought a dog house and got out of there after making polite conversation.
Got home, and wouldn't ya know it, the dang dogs didn't want to have anything to do with the dog house. I just lost it.
I cried and ranted and wailed for an hour. Just sobbed and yelled and sobbed and sobbed some more.
For the life of me, when I get like this, I can't feel anything but incredible pain and a sense of loss and I just miss my babies SO BAD I can't think of anything else. I can't describe it any other way other than that it hurts so bad you just want to die to get away from it.
I miss my babies. I'm so scared that God won't let us try again or that we'll just wind up with another dead baby. Sometimes I just wish God would tell me what to do....somedays it seems like I am just SO CLOSE to having it all figured out and I'm moving on with my life and then days like today I just completely fall apart and feel just as awful as I did the moment I found out my babies were going to die or were already dead.
My husband just sat there and listened and held me and didn't respond in anger when I yelled and cursed and swore and ranted and tried to blame him and God and myself. In the end I just collapsed and sobbed some more.
There is nothing glamorous about grief. I don't care what they portray in the movies, grief is ugly.
My husband is so patient and unwavering in his faith...I'm blessed. Angry and broken, but blessed..he is a good man.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Looking A Gift Horse In The Mouth
The past few days I have been feeling unusually energetic and chipper. I would like to figure out what I've been doing right, so that I can do it again when I feel crummy both physically and emotionally. So....I'm going to list all the things that could be possibilities for causes of these good feelings:
1) It is the time of the month in my cycle where I am at my hormonal peak (ovulation)which almost always leaves me in a good mood for that week
2) I started taking a baby aspirin and 400mcg of folic acid everyday. (increased blood flow and production...did I have anemia?)
3) My husband's ex has put off moving away with the children for right now since she hasn't found a job...this has lifted a huge burden.
4) We have finally and officially put our house on the market and have a "plan B" to get rid of the house if it does not sell. This is a HUGE source of happy for me.
5) The HOPE of a new home and the HOPE of possibly trying again for another pregnancy in 6 months...all the planning and daydreaming for future goals are somethings that have been lacking in my life and causing me to be depressed.
6) Just bought $50 worth of cleaning supplies and scoured the house top to bottom, including waxing the floors and removing many small pieces of furniture and clutter into the attic....this makes it feel more homey and happy around here.
7) Being able to help the neighbors with their grief...I hesitate to even mention this because the loss of their precious boy is such a tragedy, but being able to help them and share with them redefines my sense of purpose and renews my hope that my own children's deaths were not in vain. Sometimes the only thing that can get us out of an emotional pit of despair and depression is the need to help others.
Hopefully next time that I am feeling down I can go back and look at this list and find something that helps.
1) It is the time of the month in my cycle where I am at my hormonal peak (ovulation)which almost always leaves me in a good mood for that week
2) I started taking a baby aspirin and 400mcg of folic acid everyday. (increased blood flow and production...did I have anemia?)
3) My husband's ex has put off moving away with the children for right now since she hasn't found a job...this has lifted a huge burden.
4) We have finally and officially put our house on the market and have a "plan B" to get rid of the house if it does not sell. This is a HUGE source of happy for me.
5) The HOPE of a new home and the HOPE of possibly trying again for another pregnancy in 6 months...all the planning and daydreaming for future goals are somethings that have been lacking in my life and causing me to be depressed.
6) Just bought $50 worth of cleaning supplies and scoured the house top to bottom, including waxing the floors and removing many small pieces of furniture and clutter into the attic....this makes it feel more homey and happy around here.
7) Being able to help the neighbors with their grief...I hesitate to even mention this because the loss of their precious boy is such a tragedy, but being able to help them and share with them redefines my sense of purpose and renews my hope that my own children's deaths were not in vain. Sometimes the only thing that can get us out of an emotional pit of despair and depression is the need to help others.
Hopefully next time that I am feeling down I can go back and look at this list and find something that helps.
I Wish I Was Pregnant
Today is one of those days where I wish I was pregnant. I've had a few pregnant dreams this week.
Woke up to a thunderstorm at 5am and thought about the family up the street and I remember the feeling of absolute dread of waking up every morning to face another day after my babies died. I remembered it so well, for a moment I relived the feeling. I hope that phase of their grief passes quickly for them...it's so awful.
I just would like to have a new life growing in me again...this is one of those days where I really feel like I am ready for this and I'm just really really longing for it.
But ask me again tomorrow....
Woke up to a thunderstorm at 5am and thought about the family up the street and I remember the feeling of absolute dread of waking up every morning to face another day after my babies died. I remembered it so well, for a moment I relived the feeling. I hope that phase of their grief passes quickly for them...it's so awful.
I just would like to have a new life growing in me again...this is one of those days where I really feel like I am ready for this and I'm just really really longing for it.
But ask me again tomorrow....
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Renewed Faith
I've been struggling with my relationship with God and the idea of being in a desert as far as a faith crisis goes, is a pretty accurate description.
Yesterday and today I was privileged to be able to cry and share with a young family who just lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. My heart breaks for them...I know what kind of pain and heartache they are facing. The initial shock and trauma, the numbness, the soul-shattering feeling of loss and grief, the anger, the guilt, the lonliness, the trying to make sense of the world....and all I want to do is make it better but I can't.
But the blessing in disguise is this: Being with this young family has shown me just how far I have come in my own grief journey, and has allowed me an opportunity to be in a position to be of help...this brings meaning to Jimmy and Becca's short lives...the pain that I've been going through is able to help me help someone else.
A good friend of mine pointed out that maybe my faith crisis right now is something that God can use...sometimes when you are grieving nothing is more annoying than someone who has it all together. Perhaps sometimes people need to see that you can fall apart and lose faith and God will heal you.
I do believe that my doubts and fears and distance from God is part of my grief process and I have faith that my faith will be restored. God has time and time again used the broken people to carry his message.
Maybe my brokeness right now is a good way of reaching someone else who is broken.
I would like to have my faith and innocence back, I really would. The closeness that I felt to God when I was in the hospital with Becca was amazing. I wish I could feel like that again.
Yesterday and today I was privileged to be able to cry and share with a young family who just lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. My heart breaks for them...I know what kind of pain and heartache they are facing. The initial shock and trauma, the numbness, the soul-shattering feeling of loss and grief, the anger, the guilt, the lonliness, the trying to make sense of the world....and all I want to do is make it better but I can't.
But the blessing in disguise is this: Being with this young family has shown me just how far I have come in my own grief journey, and has allowed me an opportunity to be in a position to be of help...this brings meaning to Jimmy and Becca's short lives...the pain that I've been going through is able to help me help someone else.
A good friend of mine pointed out that maybe my faith crisis right now is something that God can use...sometimes when you are grieving nothing is more annoying than someone who has it all together. Perhaps sometimes people need to see that you can fall apart and lose faith and God will heal you.
I do believe that my doubts and fears and distance from God is part of my grief process and I have faith that my faith will be restored. God has time and time again used the broken people to carry his message.
Maybe my brokeness right now is a good way of reaching someone else who is broken.
I would like to have my faith and innocence back, I really would. The closeness that I felt to God when I was in the hospital with Becca was amazing. I wish I could feel like that again.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Pre-Pregnancy Planning?
So...coming up on 6 months since Becca died. The doctor told us to wait at least six months, but we are going to wait at least a year. After Becca's one year Angelversary at the end of October, and after Jimmy's two year Angelversary mid-November, we can start trying again if we want to.
I have a long list of health-related things I would like to take care of first and I've gotten part of my dental work done and started taking a daily baby aspirin and folic acid again.
All of a sudden, 6 months seems like a very short period of time and I don't know whether to be excited or scared or both?
We had a full-term stillbirth, an 8 week miscarriage, and a 23 week premature birth resulting in death....what are the odds that if we try again we will wind up with a living baby? Are we ready to face another infant loss?
Strange as it sounds...I'm worried about burial plots. We took up two of my mother-in-law's burial plots to bury Jimmy and Becca. I think there are only two more...which are for my mother in law and father in law when they die maybe? What if we have another dead baby and nowhere to bury him/her? It doesn't seem right to not bury another child with the two previous siblings who have passed on.
I wish I could get a guarantee that we would be having a living child...as it is, I'm afraid we will just wind up with yet another dead baby. But the small hope of a living child makes me want to try again, as does the knowledge that even a short pregnancy is still bonding time with our baby.
Does this make me selfish? Crazy? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I'm glad we still have several months before we can try again, and sometimes I wish I could just go ahead and get pregnant and get it over with....if I'm going to lose another baby, I'd rather get it over with before I've healed all the way and then have to go through this all again.
I have a long list of health-related things I would like to take care of first and I've gotten part of my dental work done and started taking a daily baby aspirin and folic acid again.
All of a sudden, 6 months seems like a very short period of time and I don't know whether to be excited or scared or both?
We had a full-term stillbirth, an 8 week miscarriage, and a 23 week premature birth resulting in death....what are the odds that if we try again we will wind up with a living baby? Are we ready to face another infant loss?
Strange as it sounds...I'm worried about burial plots. We took up two of my mother-in-law's burial plots to bury Jimmy and Becca. I think there are only two more...which are for my mother in law and father in law when they die maybe? What if we have another dead baby and nowhere to bury him/her? It doesn't seem right to not bury another child with the two previous siblings who have passed on.
I wish I could get a guarantee that we would be having a living child...as it is, I'm afraid we will just wind up with yet another dead baby. But the small hope of a living child makes me want to try again, as does the knowledge that even a short pregnancy is still bonding time with our baby.
Does this make me selfish? Crazy? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I'm glad we still have several months before we can try again, and sometimes I wish I could just go ahead and get pregnant and get it over with....if I'm going to lose another baby, I'd rather get it over with before I've healed all the way and then have to go through this all again.
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