Friday, October 29, 2010

Goodbye Already?

Rebecca Lane Burchfield was born too soon on 10/27/10 at 5:09pm. She was 1lb 8oz and 13 inches of beautiful, beautiful baby....her heart stopped beating in my arms less than an hour after her birth.
We were in the hospital for two and a half weeks before she died..I kept a journal, which I will post later.
Tomorrow afternoon is her funeral and she will be buried beside her older baby brother, Jimmy.

Sweet dreams, Becca dear. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

20 Weeks!!!

20 weeks!! Look at my Becca-Belly! It's HUUUUUGE!! :):):)

I can't believe this is only halfway. I was not this big this early with either Taylor or Jimmy...I went back and looked at pics and I was not this big until 8 months with Taylor and 6/7 months with Jimmy.

This is gonna be a big baby!

On another note.....I have now officially passed the miscarriage marker and entered the stillbirth zone.
I'm hoping I'll never have to worry about that again, but it does bring me some comfort that at least we've come this far and if the worst were to happen, I would still get a birth and get to hold her.

Morbid thinking, eh? I know I know.

I'm trying to think about how in 4 more weeks she'll have a chance of surviving outside the womb...granted, with a lot of machines and not great odds, but still a chance.
Again, I hope I don't have to worry about that, but its another milestone to look forward to.

When Jimmy died, he slowed down and then stopped moving completely. There was a two day window where he did not move at all but his heart was still beating....I don't expect history to repeat itself, but on the off chance that it does....this time I won't sit around, I'll go straight to the DR/ER.


I love you so much little Baby Becca. I hope all of this worrying is pointless and I'll see you happy and healthy in my arms in February.

Reminders Everywhere.....

I don't need a special month or a ribbon to remember my son. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him in some way...not a week goes by that I don't shed a tear for him. I will have an empty spot in my heart, reserved just for him, until the day I die.

That being said....I'm sick of being reminded that I've lost a son. I'm tired of the constant reminders that my sweet little boy died right before he was born.

All the friends on facebook that have lost their babies to stillbirth...all the pictures of stillborn babies, lovingly adorned with butterflies and flowers via photoshop because its the only substitute for having a live baby to adorn with real things like clothing...all the status updates of moms whose hearts are breaking....all the reminders and ribbons that October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.....I wish it would all just disappear. It hurts too much.

I miss you, Jimmy. Every. Single. Day.
My heart hurts, my empty arms ache....all those sweet memories before you were born, all the hopes and dreams your daddy and I had for you....I will never forget. Ever. Even if I get Alzheimers...I may forget my husband and my living kids and my friends and how to wipe my own butt, but I will not forget you. I can't. You will always be a part of me.

Miss you so much, Jimmy.

Love Mommy.