Saturday, July 31, 2010

11 Weeks & Bailey's Birthday Party

Hooray 11 Weeks!!! :):):)

What a great weekend...yesterday, hubbie and I took my son and his daughter to Tupelo. Bought Bailey a digital camera for her birthday and got Taylor a new outfit. He was so happy!
We spent the weekend with the kids getting along and Rusty even wrestled with Taylor today...shocking, I know! Hahahaha!
Taylor and Bailey have been getting along well. That makes everyone happy.

We had the whole family over tonight for a birthday barbeque for Bailey. It's the first time that Rusty and I have had the family over and only the second time that we have ever had guests!
It was SO NICE. So nice. Bailey and I made her cake together and then Rusty manned the grill for some burgers and hot dogs.

Sitting in the living room watching Bailey open her presents, everyone eating, singing happy birthday, having conversation....just filled up something inside of me that has been missing. It felt so good. Like we were a family and not just two people married with kids and stepkids and stuff. :)

I'm feeling so blessed today.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Time To Be Tough

Spent an hour with my counselor today. What a relief to hear it from someone else's mouth that I'm not crazy, and given the emotional, physical, and psychological stresses of the past year that I'm doing my best.
Also good to hear that the mistakes I made last night were no more or no less "crazy" then many people who would be in a similar situation, and this wouldn't be the first or last time in my marriage I would feel this way...but not to think I'm crazy or feel broken because I'm not. I'm healing and PREGNANT.

I may be physically and emotionally incapacitated right now because of my grief and my current pregnant state....but it won't be like this forever.

I have always had an independent spirit, and I will be strong again, just not yet.


Taylor (My 8 year old son) skated through the living room on his roller skates in nothing but his batman undies and a homemade cape made out of a blanket, laughing and yelling "Captain Underpaaaaaaaants!" I couldn't help but smile. I love being his mother.
I hope and I pray that God will let me mother this new little one here on earth as well instead of like Jimmy in heaven.

I apologized to Taylor for ruining his evening last night. He said "how did you ruin my evening?" I told him that I knew he was looking forward to going to church last night (he got all dressed up all on his own) and disappointed that we didn't get to go because I was arguing with his step-dad.
I told him that it was my fault and I was sorry.
He was quite forgiving and said a few things in my defense that were quite mature and logical.
After getting it on all sides, at times, from my husband and his two kids and his felt really good to hear my son say what he did. I totally didn't expect it and almost cried. It was very sweet.
I was about to give him the talk about how he doesn't need to worry about grown-up stuff but he was already back into watching Sponge Bob.

I am so grateful that my son is so emotionally healthy and well-adjusted.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Marital Discord

Rusty and I had a fight. He walked out. Pretty sure he's gone for the night....he won't answer his phone.
I'm tired of being the only one in this marriage who puts forth any effort and I'm really sick and tired of not getting any emotional support. This is my third pregnancy...2 dead babies and no guarantees on this one. I ask for one thing, get ignored, repeatedly ask, get ignored....I lash out.

And now I'm the bad guy.

I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I made a big mistake getting pregnant again. Neither one of us can handle it emotionally or financially. I'm falling apart and he is distancing himself just when I need him the most.

I should have taken the hint from God when Jimmy died. Not getting the hint when the second baby died makes me the epitome of human stupidity.

I'm not handling this well.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Catching Pedophiles...All In A Day's Work

Went for a walk today and some creepy guy in a truck stopped me twice. The first time he asked me if I "needed a ride" and I said No Sir! He circled the block 7 or 8 times. The second time he stopped me, I asked if he was lost and he stared at me, paused, and said "No. I'm.....'looking.'"
I told him to keep going because he wouldn't find anything around here but Jesus. I called the police and gave them his description and everything. I don't want him cruising around our neighborhood.

One of the moms on our EC board announced her miscarriage today at 13 weeks. That scares me....I was hoping that once I made it past 12 weeks I wouldn't have to do anymore worrying until the last few weeks.


Monday, July 26, 2010

Housecleaning, Fun Fun Fun! Yay!

I actually finally had enough energy today to clean the house. I did some laundry, swept and mopped the living room and dining room floors (including under the furniture.) Cleaned out the bird cage, did 2 loads of dishes, swept the hallway, scrubbed the bathroom sink and the toilet and the shower and the tub, swept and mopped the bathroom floor, threw out stuff from the fridge and washed all the shelves.

I'm pooped! But happy. Feels good to actually get something accomplished other than laying around and sleeping and eating and trying not to puke.

I came across this poem today and thought it was a nice reminder that God knew about Jimmy and he knows about this little one....I wrote this poem in college and didn't really know what it was about when I wrote it.
Now, I'm pretty sure its about me and missing Jimmy and *hopefully* about holding this baby after he/she is born.


Crooning softly, she rocks her babe and weeps
And but for the moonlight, the night is much too deep
"Hush, my child.." and his sobs begin to cease
nestled softly in her arms, the babe begins to sleep.

Tears cascading down her face
that only the moonlight sees
were it not for the babe upon her breast
she'd surely be on her knees

For tonight she is alone again
the pain too much to bear
thank God for little babies
and this worn out rocking chair.

And so she continues through the night
rocking and singing and weeping
the pain too much, the silence too full,
the night too deep for sleeping.

Quietly, she speaks to God
of the pain she cannot bear
and though he does not answer her
somehow she feels Him there.

Silently she cries to Him
and bares her heart and soul
and slowly warmth begins to fill
the empty, icy hole.....

Hours have passed
and the night is almost gone
the woman wipes her tears away
and tired, begins to yawn.

Her eyes already closed
and her breath, shallow and deep
a voice with the dawn says "hush my child"
and the woman smiles in her sleep.

Feeling hopeful today.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

10 Weeks

10 Weeks today! Craving taco bell bean burritos.

Rusty and I had a great conversation last night...I finally opened up about all my fears about this pregnancy and my grief and uncertainty. He was a good shoulder to cry on.
Then, of course, at 12:30am we had no toothpaste and I drove to the gas station to get some so I could brush my teeth. Still irritated that he didn't go for me. I don't complain much, do I?
Really hoping we get a sweet baby out of all of this.

Thinking about going back to school and getting a Master's in Psychology.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Missing Jimmy Today

Woke up today feeling sad and missing Jimmy. I'm not quite sure what brought him to the forefront of my mind as soon as I woke up, but there he was...and the tears were right behind him.
I started thinking about his name. My first son, Taylor, was supposed to have been Jimmy...but his dad wouldn't let me name him that. I regretted not naming him Jimmy for years because 3 months after Taylor was born, my father died. (My dad's name was James, and the name Jimmy was to honor him.)
I have wanted to name a son of mine Jimmy for a very, very, very long time. There is an old black and white photo in our family somewhere, in an album and it is of my daddy when he was 5 years old or so, wearing a dress and carrying a purse, playing dress-up. It always made me giggle and reminded me of my dad's innocent and playful nature that continued even into adulthood. I wanted a little boy like that.
Jimmy was supposed to be that little boy I had dreamed of. I love Taylor to pieces, he is a huge part of my soul, but Jimmy was going to bring me so much joy as well.
But he died before he was born.
When I woke up this morning, I had this brief thought that I wished I had saved the name for this little one in case it is a boy. I had a moment of regret that I had given away something so special to a baby that will never grow up...a name that had so much meaning to me, a name I had hoped to use for years, ("Jimmy! Time for dinner, go wash your hands! Jimmy! Let's go, we're going to be late! Jimmy, give mommy a kiss!")...a name that would belong to a little red-headed boy that would honor my family and warm my heart.
When Jimmy died, I not only lost my sweet and precious infant son...I lost all my hopes and dreams as well.
How am I going to have new dreams for this little one? I will be 10 weeks tomorrow, and as hard as I try, it still doesn't feel real. Every pregnancy symptom makes me think of Jimmy and it really hurts. I want to be happy sooooo bad! But I am absolutely terrified that if I am happy I will lose this child too.
We have names picked out for this child already, but they do not carry for me the meaning that Jimmy's name did. When I roll the names over in my mind I don't feel joy or excitement or love or hope.
When I think of February, I think of planning another funeral...I can't even imagine giving birth to a live baby. I'm constantly thinking worst case scenario.

I feel so robbed of my innocence. Having a stillbirth is like a rape of your soul. It's been 8 months and I'm still trying to heal.

How do I give this new baby an identity? How do I get my hopes and dreams back?

Is it going to be like this for the next 6 and a half months? I want to be happy, not sad and scared!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Good Mood...Positive Thoughts?

Figured I would try to capture this moment while I had one! :)

Feeling good to day and thinking optimistically about this pregnancy. I've been having markedly less nausea for the past 4 or 5 days and I didn't have to take any phenergan last night which is a first for the past couple of weeks.
I'm trying not to freak out and think that 9 and a half weeks is too early to start losing morning sickness, but I saw the baby moving yesterday and heard the heartbeat so I'm just going to go ahead and believe that everything is ok.

I can't wait to feel this baby kick....and I can't wait until I can start buying baby clothes...and I REALLY can't wait until I get to (God willing) hold this little one in my arms, alive and healthy.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

9 Weeks 3 days

Whew! Had a nice, uneventful visit at the doctor's office. Baby looked big to me. Heard the heartbeat at 179bpm and even saw a little sluggish movement from the tiny blob!
Still doesn't look much like a baby, just a big gray ball, but he/she is growing so fast.....

Rusty's mom took me to my appointment; she thinks its a girl.

Routine Visit?

I have my regularly scheduled visit with the Baby Doctor in less than an hour. I'm in near-full-panic mode. My tummy is upset, my mouth is dry, my palms are sweaty, my heart is racing....I wish I was a normal person!
A normal person would be excited and eating breakfast and smiling and maybe listening to some music and wondering what to wear and if she had time to shave her legs in the shower and oh maybe I'll put a little mascara on and what earrings go with the shirt I have picked out and probably daydream during the shower about the baby and how cute its going to be on the ultrasound and making a mental list of who all to call after the doctor visit.
Me? I'm panicking, know I need to eat something but can't, wishing my heart would stop racing, the more I try to calm myself down the more I panic, have not taken a shower yet, don't care what I'm wearing, and spending 100% of my energy right now trying NOT to think about the baby and the ultrasound and the doctor visit.

Why is this the path I'm on? Did God choose it for me or did I get here on my own by all the decisions I've made along the way?

I wish I could be happy instead of so fearful. Wish I could think positively instead of so negatively.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Incessant Whining

I'm hoping at some point in this pregnancy I will cease to complain and whine and cry about every little thing!

Rusty took the kids to go see Despicable Me. I've been really looking forward to going with him and the kids. We've been planning it for a couple of weeks....they just left and I am stuck at home with a stupid headache.
I could cry. But it probably won't make my head feel any better.

Out of the past year and a half, I have been pregnant for approximately 13 months. And still don't have a baby to show for it! Nausea, fatigue, headaches, feeling hot all the time, uncomfortableness, mood swings, crying, fear&anxiety, depression....ugh!!!

Sometimes I am scared that this is putting too much stress on my body and I wonder if I can take it.

I feel like I have missed out on SO MUCH during my pregnancies and its soooo frustrating! There are so many things that I cannot do or have missed out on because of pregnancy limitations and/or my physical condition during pregnancy and during recovery in-between pregnancies.

I look back on some of our family photos before I was pregnant and I see LOTS of pictures of me climbing trees, rocks, running, wrestling, horse-playing, etc. I was very active with the kids. During my pregnancies I have not been able to do much, especially this time...I'm so fatigued and worn out and sick I can't do hardly anything but lay on the couch or sit in front of the computer. It's hard to bond with my children and my husband like I used tickling, food fights, wrestling matches....I've been feeling the effects of this lack of physical bonding with the distance between me and my family.

I bet the kids feel it too, they just probably have no clue why...I really hope we get a baby out of this. The kids have sacrificed so much and they don't even realize it.

I just want this baby. Why is it so hard to be happy right now?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

One Year Since Mom Died

One year ago today, my mother died. Last year, I laid in the bed with my mother for the last time...Jimmy was still moving inside of me....he was wiggling around as my mother took her last breath.
"One life ends and another begins" were her last words to me when we spoke. She was talking about my sweet baby boy.
I hope her and dad are holding him in heaven right now.


9 Weeks!!!
We made it to 9 weeks! I have a little belly. I hope we get to keep this little one...I cannot wait to start feeling him/her move.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Heartbreak and Hope

Today is 8 months since Jimmy was born and we said Hello and Goodbye in the same breath. I miss him like crazy. Its hard not to think about heaven and what it would be like to be there and hold him.

Today, I saw our new little one on the ultrasound screen and heard his/her little heart beating away at 170bpm.....the doctor says everything looks great and the baby is measuring a day ahead at 8 weeks and 6 days.

I cried.

One life ends and another begins.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Some moms on the Pregnant After Stillbirth board at iVillage are talking about how they are so close to delivery (two and three weeks) that they can't sleep at night because they are afraid the baby will die while they are asleep.

I hope this baby makes it that far. I'd love to panic about that.

Jimmy used to be the most active at night while I was sleeping. I used to lay down to go to sleep and he would wiggle and squirm and kick....he rocked me to sleep. I miss that.

I wish I had gotten to rock him to sleep.

Never Pray For Patience

Today is surgery day for my doctor, so no appointments available. He will probably be very busy tomorrow and Friday, so I'm just going to keep my original appointment on Tuesday.
I think this may be God's way of teaching me patience and getting me to rely more on my faith than in ultrasounds and doctors.
I do believe that if we are blessed enough to keep this little one, that God would like the credit...not a doctor or an ultrasound....

Having Faith is really tough sometimes.

Playing the Waiting Game

If I am lucky enough to continue to carry this baby to term, I should get used to playing the waiting game, because I am absolutely certain that this will be the first of many things to cause me panic and anxiety.

I stopped bleeding last night. Nothing this morning. Waiting for 8am so I can call the doctor's office and see if he can squeeze me in today instead of my regular appointment on Tuesday.

I am hoping that I just busted a capillary or something in my cervix and that this has nothing to do with the baby....of course, I have this dreaded fear of going in, pulling up the ultrasound and not seeing a heartbeat.

"Pregnancy is an act of faith."

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

8 Month Angelversary

Just realized today marks 8 months since Jimmy died. Two days from now will mark 8 months since he was born.
I miss you, sweet baby James. Mommy loves you...Daddy misses you too. More than you'll ever know.

I Spoke Too Soon

My husband went to donate blood after work so I decided to bake him a cake. I had to reach way high up for the flour and the pans...maybe thats what did it? I hope...
Put the cake in the oven and headed to the bathroom to pee.
Bright red bleeding when I wiped. I put a pad on.

Oh no. Please.....

Having a Good Day

Don't want to speak too soon, but the nausea has been under control today and I've been eating real food...yay!!
Watching "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC and perused the nursery photos of some of the other angel moms who are getting ready to deliver their Rainbow babies this month.
Oh how my heart aches and longs for this baby to be grown and out of the womb already so I can hold/hug him/her!!

Is there anything sweeter in the world than kissing baby cheeks? I can't wait!!! I have my next ultrasound a week from today....I'm so scared that the doctor will say "sorry, there's no heartbeat" but I think I will be afraid of that every day until this little one is born.

Baby, baby, baby....*sigh* I just want to hold you already!

Monday, July 12, 2010

8 Weeks 3 Days

Morning Sickness and Hormones

Had a nice little tantrum yesterday about food and husband was mad at me for the rest of the day. He can get over himself. I wish men could feel what we feel during early pregnancy for just a day and they would be a lot more understanding and forgiving.
Today I managed to keep my breakfast down but just barely. I was pretty nauseous and took some phenergan and it was a race to see whether the medicine would kick in before I threw up everything I ate or not.
Fortunately the medicine won and I slept for 4 hours.
Just woke up and feel pretty much like poo.
On the one hand, I know I should be counting my blessings (and I do) that I am even pregnant and should gladly suffer all of this without complaing (I'm trying.)
But on the other hand, I know all to well that just because I go through all of this gladly does not guarantee I will get a healthy and living child at the end of all of this.
Somebody please give me my innocence back.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Went to the ER last night

I didn't feel well all day yesterday but chalked the fatigue, headache, and nausea up to morning sickness and typical first trimester pregnancy symptoms.
Started feeling worse around 7:30 and took my was 99.1 so I started freaking out (typical me) and kept checking to see if it would go down on its own. It didn't.
When it got to 99.4 I went to the Emergency Room. I was sooooo scared!!! I brought my bible with me, hahaha, and read the 23rd psalm and then just hugged my bible while I was waiting and tried not to throw up, pass out, or have a heart attack.
They drew some blood and did a urinalysis...both which came back clear but they gave me some phenergan and some antibiotics. And a bag and a half of IV fluids because as it turns out, I was pretty dehydrated.
They didn't check on the baby since I wasn't bleeding or anything, so I am really really really hoping everything is still ok in there!

Friday, July 9, 2010

8 Weeks Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I will be 8 weeks pregnant.
Tomorrow, it will be 2 months since I had my miscarriage.
Tomorrow, it will be 7 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days since Jimmy was stillborn.

Today, I am grateful to be pregnant.