Friday, May 27, 2011

The Cat Was Right!

Soooo....the cat was right! I've gotten 3 very clear positive results from home pregnancy tests.
According to my calculations I'm right around 4 weeks, which would make the conception date Friday the 13th of birthday, hahaha! Happy Birthday to me?
(How of my children died on a Friday the 13th and now another was conceived on a Friday the 13th.)
The estimated due date would be February 4, 2012 which is the day after Taylor's birthday and less than two weeks from Becca's original due date!
This is the third pregnancy that I've conceived in May!
Wow...this is my FIFTH pregnancy!
My thoughts are sort of all over the place right now, I guess this is kind of a shock, even though we were sort of trying for it...I don't think we fully realized the possibility of getting pregnant the very first month that we were only sorta trying.

The first real conversation that my husband and I had regarding this new pregnancy was about the funeral plans...we both agreed if this baby dies like the others that we will not have a big funeral like with Jimmy and Becca and we will just have him/her cremated. After that, Rusty will get snipped and we will be finished trying to have biological children.

Sad that had to be our first conversation after a positive pregnancy test, but after all we've been through in the past couple of years, we really need to know that we have our plans in place and agree on everything up front.

I hope beyond hope that this is our forever baby and that God will bless us with a living child that we get to raise for many years to come.

Please, God?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Feline Pregnancy Test?

So, the past two nights my cat has been sleeping on my head. She hasn't wanted to sleep in the bed with me since I was pregnant with Becca and shortly thereafter. She's a wild, but sweet kitty, and spends almost all of the time outside. She only comes in periodically to eat and be petted once in a while.
We have noticed however, that she tends to come inside and linger and be overtly friendly when I'm pregnant, and when she senses something is wrong...we joke around when she comes inside that something bad must be about to happen since she is already trying to comfort us.
So, this time, we are joking around about our little 'FPT' and having fun with the idea that maybe I'm pregnant and the cat already knows, hahaha!!

It's a sweet little bit of humor....even funnier if it turns out to be true! :)

Monday, May 16, 2011


So...3dpo and I'm wishing I had a companion...After Jimmy died, I joined a TTC after loss board and made some very good friends. It was amazing when we ALL got pregnant the same month and joined the same Pregnancy board!
It was tough when one of my companions lost her rainbow baby and then shortly after her I lost mine was even tougher watching the other two ladies go on to have happy and successful bouncing babies. It hurt.
Now the friend who had the loss the same time I did is over half-way through her next pregnancy, and everything looks good which is AWESOME for her! I do not begrudge her this baby in any way, shape, or form, I just wish I was on the same walk as her. I miss going through this together, and if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will be bittersweet in many ways, but especially since I will be going it alone this time without my angel mommy sisters to walk with me.

So, ttc again, and not a soul to talk to about it at the moment.

Hopefully I'll find someone to walk with soon. :)

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Starting To Plan...Again.

Just called a new doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for June. This is a doctor I don't know, but comes highly recommended by friends who have had losses before...Dr.O is a high-risk specialist, and I want to have a pre-conception assessment/consultation done before we get pregnant again.

Not sure why, but the whole time I was on the phone making my appointment, I had a lump in my throat and my eyes were burning.

When I got off the phone, I had to cry for a few minutes.

I'm really not sure why.


That's odd for me to be at a loss...usually I understand my own emotions very well. Wish I had some insight on this one, I'm a little confused.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Letter From Jimmy & Becca

My husband gave me a letter for Mother's Day along with a card that was from the babies....he transcribed a *dream* that he had had a couple of days earlier, right before the puppies woke him up at 4am to be let out to pee.
(Note: Nevada is the sweet puppy that we bought right after Becca died to fill our empty arms...Nevada died in our arms less than two months after we got her and Rusty and I comforted ourselves with the idea that our babies in heaven wanted a puppy. Also mentioned in this letter is an apple tree...I was SO carefree and happy during my pregnancy with Becca that I climbed an apple tree with the rest of the kids. The doctor told me that climbing trees while pregnant was not what caused me to lose my daughter, but it still weighs heavily on me sometimes...I even wrote a song about it.)

Here it is! My letter from the babies...made me laugh and cry at the same time:

Latest conversation with the kids…


Dad - *grumblegrumble* whattttttttttttttttt!?!? I was sleeping…..

Jimmy & Becca - Daddy! We have to tell you sumptin! It’s for mommie!!

Dad - Ugh…good Lord…fine…it better be good…

Jimmy - It’s mommy day dis Sunday! YAY!!!! She needs to know we love her! You got her the card right? Right daddy? The card?

Becca - Yay card!

Dad - Ummm…yeah…I ummm…yeah…the card…

Jimmy - Daddy…did you forget agin??? You member what happened last year?

Becca - MEMBER???!?!

Dad - Yeah…I do…I was in the dog house…

Becca - HAHA…WOOF WOOF..Daddy was in the dog house…just like Nevada! Hey Nevada! Daddy was in duh dog house! HAHAH


Becca - Nevada laughed Daddy.

Dad - *grumble*

Jimmy - Inway daddy…tell mommie we love her and we miss her and to please stop crying. We wish we could be wid her but heaven is so much fun! It’s like ice cream and playgrounds all the time! Tell her she was SUCH a good mommie to us even if we didn’t get to hug and kiss on her. We felt such love and caring when we was in her belly.

Becca - I member climbing a tree!!! It was fun!

Dad - Yes Becca but that was dangerous…

Becca - I don’t care! It was fun!!!! APPLETREE! APPLETREE! APPLETREE!

Jimmy - Be quiet Becca! You make too much noise!

Becca - No I dont!

Jimmy - Do too!

Becca - DO NOT!

Jimmy - DO TOO!!

Dad - CHILDREN!!!! That’s enough. Do you have anything else you want me to tell your mother?

Becca - *sticks out tounge*

Jimmy - DAD!! Becca stuck out her tounge at me!

Dad - *rolls eyes*

Dad - Focus children…I’m about to wake up for real…the new puppies we have need to use the bathroom.

Nevada - *AWOOOOOO!!!*

Becca - Nevada is laughing at you agin daddy.

Jimmy - Inway daddy…we love you too but dis is mommies day…give her a big hug and a big kiss for us. Tell her I’m taking care of Becca cause she is so little. I miss her so much daddy.

Becca - ME TOO!

Dad - OK kids…I love you…


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Marital Bliss?

We have had a wonderful week. Absolutely wonderful. :)

Thank you, God.

I am a very happy woman right now. Rusty did something very sweet for me on Friday for Mother's Day by giving me a trail of presents and at the end a letter from Jimmy and Becca (my husband transcribed a *dream* he had from them) that was so sweet I laughed and was such a beautiful and touching and healing moment for me.

Lots of other stuff going on that contributes to this feeling of wellbeing...played a gig at Market Street, we have a friendly and fun houseguest for the week, we are looking forward to a whole summer with the kids and getting to move into our new house next month...just a lot of things.

And it would appear as well that my husband has decided to once again just let God do his thing...we're not planning nor are we preventing. We're not trying, we're just...letting it be. And that feels so good. :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011


Maybe I'll wait two years after Becca's death (and 3 years after Jimmy's) to try and get pregnant again so I can still heal.

Maybe I'll have 3 babies back to back and one will be a set of twins. Hah! To go from losing 3 babies in one year to maybe having 5 babies in 3 years? I wonder what that would be like?

Really, though, I'd be blessed beyond believe just to have one.

Six more months until we can try again.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Becca's Medical Records

A lot has happened in the past week or wreck, tornadoes, etc. I really should comment on that, but I'm not going to. Everyone in my immediate family is ok, and this blog is really about pregnancy and loss and I'd like to keep it that way.

I just got off the phone with the hospital in Jackson where Becca was born and died. I've never gotten any of her records from them even though they took her placenta off for analysis and some bloodwork as well, I'm assuming.
When I went in to my regular doctor for my 6 week post-partum checkup, I asked him about the test results and their findings and analysis and he said they never sent him anything and I didn't really press the issue.
Now, 6 months later, I'm ready to know if they found anything and what, if any, conclusions they were able to draw about her cause of death and/or anything that may have been wrong with her.
All I really know is that she was beautiful, and perfect, and she was born too soon for some reason...I need to know if there was anything wrong with the placenta or her bloodwork that might indicate anything other than the theory that I had an incompetent cervix.
Anyway, I have to sign a medical release form, so they are mailing it to me today. Hopefully I will get it on Friday and mail it back so that I can have the results by next week.

Not sure how I feel about it...part of me hopes that they find some abnormality that could help explain Jimmy's death as well and pin this down as some genetic defect between my husband and I that caused pre-term labor and not an incompetent cervix so we could have real answers, see a geneticist, and possibly explore other options. A genetic incompatability between my husband and I might take away some of this weight and hurt that it was my body that failed would also mean that I wouldn't have to get a cerclage and could carry a baby to term in the future, even if it wasn't genetically my husband's.

On the other hand, if everything comes back normal, then my husband and I can make plans to try one more time....but all the pressure will be on me again, and the praying and hoping that a cerclage would work.

I just don't know.