Sunday, September 25, 2011

This Blog Has Come To An End....

Today I dedicated my family planning to God, and am going to be obedient in where we feel like we are being led: no more pregnancies, no babies, no adoption planning.
We're just going to focus on the kids we have and learn to work through the grief of accepting that we will not be able to have any children of our own together.

I know God has a plan and I trust him because I know he loves me.

I am ok, my family is happy, and now that I'm letting go of all the baby dreams, I'm looking forward to what God has planned for me and my family....I know he'll carry me through the grief.

Thank you for sharing this time in my life, God bless you!


Monday, September 19, 2011

Notes With Becca

****It has taken me almost a year to get the courage to post these notes...I typed these out on my iPhone when I was in the hospital and the Ronald McDonald house for the two weeks we tried to save Becca. Some of the notes are out of order, but I entered them exactly as they were in my phone and I have not edited them at all....there may be something in there about my mother in law's snoring, but she had a cold and GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN SHE IS AMAZING!!!!****


(No note...this was the day I went into the doctor because I felt something wasn't quite right...and we found out I was 5cm dilated with the baby's amniotic sac bulging into the birth canal. They sent me to the hospital and I was told I would deliver right away...but I didn't. They transferred me the next morning to a hospital 3 hours away, and we began a two week journey of hope and grief.)


Time with Becca
Hooked on a feeling
Paper towel dispenser fax from heaven "is there anything written on it?"
Becca kicking me to sleep
Faith ... Having to make that tough decision and deciding to wait.
Daddy kissing my Becca belly
Waking up to Becca rolling and kicking
Daddy taking pictures of me with Becca still in my belly
Being terrified of suffering
Being terrified of losing Becca
Return of glimmer of hope after praying with and talking to brother Mickey.
Rusty saying "we're GONNA wait"
Rusty saying he was at peace with our decision even if it meant he didn't get back to Jackson in time to meet Becca before she dies
Acknowledging the fact that we all suffer... Just different circumstances. We would rather go through this and our other losses than watch one of our kids die from cancer.
Membrane rupture scare
Dr able to see Beccas feet kicking through the cervix into the part of the bag that's bulging out. I could feel it. Fear that she'll kick her way out too soon.
Getting moved upstairs
Saying goodbye to Rusty...he took a family picture of us in the hospital bed
Rusty holding my hand and praying
Getting to eat for the first time in 24 hours.

The bedpan story with the foot pedals and the being upside down and the guy with the food tray....all that work and hardly anything at all she SHOWED me....ha ha ha!

Texting with courtney
Rubbing my Becca belly and looking out the window as the sun set feeling emotional and wondering if this was our last night
Becca moved up so pressure off cervix and slept great.


Another day with Becca
Blood draw at 430am
Reading daddy's text from last night: "goodnight babies. Love you both so much."
Becca moved up during the night and off my cervix.. Daydreaming hopeful things.
Rubbing my belly and feeling Becca kicking and tumbling as I tell her how much her daddy and I want her and love her. Told her that she will soon either be with Jesus or here fighting for her life and we will love her either way.
Dr visit saying they would discharge me if I was still pregnant in 2 days
Getting the catheter out and having to get up and pee
Brother Mickey's visit
Sonogram..1 lb 2 oz and measuring 22 weeks exactly (but still only 21&4 in their book)
Becca waving to Daddy
Seeing her precious feet and toes and knees and nose and everything so perfect... Seeing my cervix and the sac bulging and feeling so helpless and terrified and losing hope
Being told yet again there is absolutely no hope and infection is imminent
Nurse saying they've seen many cases like mine and no success stories yet...maybe we'll be the first
Getting afraid and discouraged
Rusty reminding me it's up to God and don't let Satan get in the way because he is trying to discourage and hurt us.
Visit from nice lady, Rustys old neighbor BJ
Talking to Taylor on the phone and laughing for 20 minutes about loogies and farts
Flirting with my husband via text :)
Singing to Becca and watching the sunset
Talking to Rusty on the phone and realizing we have not been apart this long since before we got married
Phone call with dr davis, Cerclage specialist in Philadelphia/new new info or contradiction of what the Drs here are saying. "miracles do happen..I'll say a prayer for you."


Yet another day with Becca still here!
Praise God!!!
Sunrise with Becca singing songs from choir..."I believe God"
Discharge scare
Meeting with dr to discuss me being discharged to motel across the street
Hope prayer hope prayer!!!
Really awesome hospital food hamburger steak
Temperature scare! 99.2 to 98.4
Discharged to hotel
Shower yay
Mom&Dad coming
BJ shows up when they do
Hotel room is 208!
All these signs from God :)
Rebecca Lane in room 208 with mom and dad.... Should make Rusty feel good like he is "coming home"
Evening with Rusty
He had told Becca if she stayed put while he was gone he would get her a present so he brought her a pink stuffed monkey
Daddy taking good care of his baby


Praise God another day!!
Lots of discharge...scary
Temp normal
Praise God Becca is still here!!!!
Made it past the 11 month anniversary of Jimmy's death and birth
Breakfast...Rusty came back with a banana in his pocket ha ha ha!
Panic attack
Talking to Debbie Butler
Playing magic cards with Rusty


Becca is still here!
Thank you God for another morning waking up to my sweet baby's kicks. my water leaking?
Becca feels lower, bulging membranes feel bigger
Wish I was in a bed that could be tilted
Propped up with pillows under hips and feet...that moved Becca away from my cervix and back up to belly button whew!
All morning reading about incompetent cervix and bulging membranes...not a lot out there for my situation. Every case either got a rescue Cerclage or went into labor right away.
Daddy feeling Beccas kicks :):):) saying she likes football ( we were watching football on TV)
Saying bye to Rusty and hi to mom
Great evening with mom watching Tv and chatting and she got to feel Becca kicking
Making arrangements for Taylor to have fun
Worried about my friends in Australia
Rusty named Beccas stuffed animals Miggy and Punkey
Realizing that if we can make it just 10 more days Becca will be viable and can have steroid shots and a whopping 70% fighting chance at life!!!!
Even more afraid but happy at the same time.
Feeling some tightening and pressure and watery discharge but hoping that's "normal" for my state.
Thank you Jesus for another day.


One Week!!
It's been a whole week!!!
Had fun with mom last night watching iron chef and gossiping
Becca not moving as much she ok?
No discharge today at all even though I've been up to shower and change
Is all her amniotic fluid still there?
If we make it to Thursday we will be 23 weeks and 5-15% chance of survival
Small gush of fluid..emergency trip to the hospital. Lots of crying.
Dr just happened to come in right when i did so he saw me right away
Bag still intact
Emotional and drained
Dr Brewer really nice and caring
Ultrasound showed baby fine with plenty of fluid...still dilated 4cm and membranes bulging but not as much as they were at the beginning of last week.
Lady down the hall didn't know she was pregnant until she came in for a miscarriage. Life is fragile.
Discharged to hotel, Matthew 8:26
Tired, irritable, and grouchy.


Sleepy but grateful. Temp at 97.
Thank you Abba.
Gotta make it through today, tomorrow, the next day...and then the day after that Beccas steroid shots!!
Rusty and I missing each other...bathroom photos ha ha ha!!
Taylor has a girlfriend named Angel but she had to move. Poor Taylor.
Shane kept a patient alive today.
Had elevated temp again but it went away when I took a Xanax and my heart stopped racing. Anxiety...


Becca not moving as much...making me nervous. Maybe cuz I woke up and found I'd been sleeping on my stomach? Mom snores like a beast..had to have pillows over my head and even that and the AC couldn't drown her out.
Wondering if I should go in and get checked or not...Becca squirmed and wiggled while typing this. Maybe everything is ok. Trusting you God!!!
In hospital for checkup..everything looks ok and baby is moving around and has plenty of fluid and good heartbeat. She is head down though eep! They can't tell if she is engaged or not without doing a pelvic exam and at this point that's unnecessary...just stay on bedrest and watch for fever or signs of labor.
Please God...Thursday is starting to look so far away! Please keep Becca in there and safe and healthy and living!!
Fever?? Freak out big time!!!
98.9 to 99.2 to 98.6 and back up
Rusty talking to me while I was crying and reading me all the "if you give a mouse a cookie" stories to soothe me over the phone then we prayed together. Temp down to 98.4
God hold us. This is hard and scary.


October 23
Psalm 116:1
Mom went to Target
Dr called to check in and discuss how things are going... Still saying in my charts that I'm 22&6 poo on them!
Said shots could be given at 23&5 so still on track for Thurs/Friday.
Called Rusty to update.
Mom bought me bras and clothes
Rusty sent pics of street Rebecca LN


October 22
Feeling sorry for myself
Texting with Rusty about this being hard on us and we muss each other but gotta depend on God and so grateful that we have Becca still!!!!!
Crying a lot today and moody
Poor MIL and pizza fiasco
Got a package with a tiny hat in it from Calvin's Hats...hoping Becca will be too big to wear it by the time she is born!!!
Is it my imagination or is Becca moving a lot less today? Scares me.
Peeing a lot too. Scares me as well.


October 21
Hooray Thursday!!
Every day counts. Every day. One week til life saving steroid shots for Beccas lungs. I'm so hopeful!!!
Romans 8:24-25
Shane worried about Taylors schooling
Taylor misses me
Moms snoring
Cabin fever ugh!
Grateful that Becca still here guilty for complaining over silly things.
Chance sick so Rusty and kids can't come this weekend. I cried.
Mom got me red nailpolish to cheer me up.
Becca seems to know I need reassurance she moves all day.
When I sing to her she kicks bigger.
Rusty and I talking about how she wants to live.


October 20
Hooray Wednesday!!!
Jeremiah 31:25
Feeling renewed thank you God!!
Rusty and I texting about feeling calm and really believing God is going to see us through this...starting to feel like we have a birth to look forward to and not a funeral.
So much for calm? Feeling irritable and yucky...almost nauseous...and sleepy. Hope this passes uneventfully and doesn't affect the baby!!!
Mom took a nap I had some quiet time felt better
Teresa brought care package from SS
Rusty got care package from my online support group feb EC board


October 19
Isaiah 40:31
Panic attack last night heart pounding sweating hot uncomfortable scared
Weary and emotional
Rusty said he prayed over Beccas bassinet this morning. He had a talk with God about her. Warms my heart.
2 more days to 23 weeks!! Odds jump to 15% and 2-4% every day thereafter that she stays cooking!! Praying.
Talking to Courtney...feeling like being an angel mom is privilege. A red badge of courage... Soldier in Gods army with battle scars.
Nap time thinking happy thoughts
Mom found Chinese food yay ha ha
Feeling better. Hopeful.


October 26
Woke up to big gush of fluid that soaked the bed. Thought my water was clear. Mom nowhere around and didnt answer her phone so got a ride from the maintenance guy to the hospital.
Dr brewer said sac had not ruptured and tests for amniotic fluid were negative but she does have low fluid levels.
Also, going with original due date so I won't go in Thursday I'll go in Saturday and they'll give me shots at midnight since I'll be 24 weeks on Sunday.
So, Becca is still here and we've been set back a few days. 23&2 instead of 23&5. :( God you are mighty...please carry us through this. Please.
Still majorly leaking fluid. Discouraged. God I'm weary and confused! Mom is totally sick and coughing and sneezing and sniffling and blowing her nose every couple of minutes. (its driving me CRAZY!) She needs to go home. Told Rusty to go ahead and come and bring Dad with him but we can't get ahold of dad.
Had a contraction at 3:20ish.
Took a nap for an hour and felt better.
Not gushing anymore but still watery's not clear but it's not urine either. Worried about infection.
Took a shower. Waiting on Rusty to get here and mom to leave.
5 more doesn't feel like we will make it that long..feels like things are starting to happen. Nothing is impossible with God though right? Oh ye of little faith?



October 27
Think I'm having contractions..all night
Pretty painful now and less than 10 min apart. Becca squirming alot.
At the hospital. May have this baby before anyone can get to us!! Owww!!!
IV and headed up to labor and delivery.
Bro slater and bro Mickey came by..nice visit Rusty was happy good stories.
Contractions slowed down
Doctor came in and said my white count was elevated pretty high indicating an infection.
The doctors are conferring about what to do.
God I'm scared! I also don't want to miss anything because I'm too sick.
God please save my daughter. Please.
Rebecca Lane born 5:09pm 1lb 8oz
Daddy and I fattened her up over the past couple weeks she had gained 6oz
She did not cry or move but she was born alive. She had no lung tissue to work with. They tried to give her oxygen but there was just no lungs.
Her heart was still beating when we got to hold her..held her until she got cold. Took pictures.
So tired. Slight fever because of the infection. They had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding so on medicine for that too. When contractions started again I prayed the same thing that I prayed when we miscarried: please God don't let it hurt. It didn't. Got to 6cm then epidural. Birth was easy, getting the placenta out was hard..doc had her arm in up to my elbow.
Felt the peace and calm of God the whole time.
Rusty and I did not break down...even when we held our baby. Cried a little and talked a little and took pictures.
Everyone was so nice.
Becca looked like Rustys mother. So small and perfect. I watched her heart beating even though she didn't move. Unwrapped her and laid her on my chest and kissed her head and told her I loved her and sang you are my sunshine just like I did when she was still in my belly. She never moved just gradually got cold.
I'm numb I'm sure but still grateful to God for the extra time. God said no, but he sure took care of us.
Rusty went to sleep. It all just hit me around 11pm and I was just so sad I couldn't stop sobbing. Rusty calmed me down and went back to sleep.
I called Rustys mom because I was still really sad. So was she. We talked about the baby and funeral arrangements.


Beccas funeral
Jimmy visited...knocked over the roses and one stayed on his grave. Told funeral lady to leave it there...she realized what happened and teared up.
Joking later with Slater Rusty was like "do I need to get my belt?" just like a boy to try and get his parents attention focused off baby sister!
We bought them both little plastic mini flowers in pots.
Went out to eat afterwards just us...spent the rest of day and night together. Loving each other.

God allowed us the opportunity to try and change the outcome with Becca to show us that it didn't matter what we did or did not do he was in control...thankful for that. We dud everything and have no regrets and no haunting and painful what ifs. Feels like Jimmy was ripped from us but we gave Becca to God willingly. We have peace... About both babies.
Still hurts though. Still miss them both and so sad. Not sure how to grieve thistime. So peaceful. Miss my babies...still shocked that Becca is gone...miss my baby girl. Rusty misses her too. This is going to be hard.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Official Update

There were a few ladies on another pregnancy board that were concerned and I realized that in the past 3 weeks I had forgotten to update a few is my official update in case I've missed anyone else:

Hi ladies.
No, I'm not in a padded room or anything. :)

Scarlett didn't have a heartbeat when I went into the operating room to have a preventative cerclage was quite a sad surprise. We induced that day, and within a few hours she was born. I didn't have an epidural or even any tylenol because I wanted to feel EVERYTHING...her birth pains were very special to me. Right after she came out, I started taking pictures and the doctor showed me where her little cord was compressed, whch was the cause of her death. He said that in any other instance he would say cord accidents happen and go ahead and try again, but since we are 0 for 4 in the baby department, (even though each baby died for a seemingly different reason), he thinks that my husband and I are genetically incompatible and we both must carry some sort of recessive gene. This makes sense because my husband has an older sister who was born with a hole in her heart requiring surgery, and has an unknown chromosome anomaly that has caused her physical and mental challenges not unlike down syndrome. When Jimmy was born, he had the same facial features as my husband's sister and the doctor told us that Jimmy's death was because of a chromosome abnormality. Becca looked perfect so we wrote that off as a developed incompetent cervix as the cause, but since Scarlett, we are rethinking that and guessing that Becca's death was probably caused by some chromosome abnormality as well and that it was actually pre-term labor caused by the anomaly and not an incompetent cervix.
We have no more answers right now other than that it doesn't look like my husband and I will be able to have any living children together...I don't know if our insurance covers genetic testing, but we will look into it sometime in the future. Genetic testing may not give us any answers, and it surely won't give us a living baby, but if we can get a name for this chromosome problem, we could give our other kids (I have a 9 year old son from an oops when I was 21, and my husband has a 14 year old and a 10 year old with his ex wife) a heads up for when they start having kids one day.

We buried Scarlett the day after she was born....her funeral consisted of just my husband and I and the funeral director and the gravedigger guy...I carried her casket and laid her in the ground myself and would have shoveled the dirt in as well if my husband hadn't stopped me....I wanted to take care of those last moments, you know?

This has been tough for me, especially not being able to have the hope of another chance at a pregnancy and living baby, and it really hurts my heart that my husband and I seem to be genetically incompatible.


However, that very week, my husband's son called him from Texas and said "Dad, come get me, I hate the school here" and my husband drove 9 hours there and back to bring his son back to live with us...I spent an entire evening and all the next day painting his son's bedroom the colors that he wanted and we have been so blessed....I know my husband has been hurting so bad with all his babies in heaven and his two kids 9 hours away, so this was a HUGE answered prayer. (In so many ways, a teenager requires more than a newborn!!) We didn't get a baby, but we got my husband's son back and now they have an opportunity to fix their broken relationship which is such an enormous blessing.
I also went back to work a week after Scarlett died...I got a job working lunches M-F at our new Logan's Roadhouse as a server just to have something to do and to help my husband save up money to hire a lawyer to modify his custody agreement and child support now that his son is living with us.
I've taken on assistant teaching with the 2nd grade choir on Wednesday nights, and on Sunday evenings before church, my husband and I are taking a 2 hour biblically-based financial class.
My only living child, (thank you JESUS for him!), expressed interest in football now that his older step-brother is here (the step-brother plays 9th grade football) so his father and I enrolled him in PeeWee football and tonight was his first practice.
God has kept me VERY busy....all of this stuff has all taken place within the past 3 life became very, very full all of a sudden.
What a blessing, no? I thought my life would be totally empty without Scarlett or any other babies of my own, but God went into overdrive to fill my life with people who need me and things to keep me busy and productive.
Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day for my babies and I long with ALL my heart for a baby and I think about adoption a lot now....but I still have a purpose in life and I still have a family and I still have a future.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have felt God's presence and I see signs constantly and have been for the past three weeks that show that He loves me. Yes, I have my moments, like the night before last when I was crying on my husband's shoulder and said "I think God has forgotten about me!"...but I say that out of sadness and hurt...God has not forgotten me, He just said No.

I am learning to accept 'No' for an answer, and I am learning that just because God says 'No' doesn't mean that he doesn't care or doesn't want me to be's just not part of his plan right now. I struggle with that, but most of the time I think I am handling it fairly well.

I miss my babies, SO much, and I cry everyday, but I am not without love, direction, purpose, happiness, or a future...I'm just a sad, sad momma who is trying to balance grief and gratitude.

Thank you for thinking of me, praying for me, and worrying about me.

Love you, ladies. Many hugs!!!!



Monday, September 5, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Nothing To Report...

I'm about to get ready for work. Yesterday was much better, and after talking to someone at church about my "discontent" regarding my employment situation, I realized I need to focus on the goal and remember that this is temporary, and sometimes you just have to suck up the reality of the situation and do what you need to do in order to accomplish something.
Tonight Rusty and I will clean out the storage shed and Saturday we will carry everything over to a mini-storage unit in town and have a "yard sale." I am carrying Becca's bassinet with me to work as someone answered an ad online and is going to purchase it for $20.
Twenty the end of the weekend, all my baby stuff will be gone, including the rocking chair that I've clung to for the past 3 years in the hopes of having a baby to hold and soothe in it. We don't always get what we hope for, do we?
I've got a gig tomorrow night and whatever I make there will go towards our goal as well.
I wonder if someday Rusty's kids and my son will ever know or be grateful for all the sacrifices we have made for them?

I hope we accomplish this particular financial goal very soon, because after that I can go to substitute teaching and spending more time at home and going to our kids football games and stuff.