Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Morning

Got up and just put two 5lb chickens in the oven to roast for our family gathering after church.
Except I won't be going to church. I hope that is ok with you, God. I'm so sorry but I just don't want the pain right now. Awful to say, since it's not like Jesus got a choice, is it?
I just think about Jimmy on Easter...We got to the hospital on a Friday night and found out Jimmy was dead. I labored all weekend and Jimmy was born on Sunday...we held him and kissed him and said goodbye. Last year at Easter, it's all I could think about. Jesus dying on a Friday and being risen on Sunday...Jimmy's death feels like a mini-Easter. (Not trying to be son was no Jesus, its just his death on a Friday and birth on Sunday feels like Easter to me...I can't explain it other than that I like to think that Jimmy went to heaven on Sunday when he was born...)
Anyway, God, please forgive me for not going to church today. My heart hurts. I'm a coward and I'm tired of hurting and crying everytime I go to church. It hurts to think about Jesus dying, and it hurts to think about not getting to be in heaven with you and all the angels and all the loved ones who left here.

I just want some peace from the pain.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Tomorrow is Easter

...and right now I'm just sad. Had Jimmy lived, he would be old enough to hunt Easter eggs. I get to spend tomorrow with my husband's family and a child who was born right around the time Jimmy was. It's like getting a glimpse of what could have been and as hard as I try to be noble about it, it hurts.
I miss Jimmy so much. I miss Becca so much.
I'm having a hard time being close to God or Jesus right now because it hurts too much...I wish Jesus would float down here in person and heal my broken heart and tell me its ok, God didn't punish me by taking away my babies and that its not because I didn't deserve them. I really need to hear that from him...maybe next weekend though. I hear he's too busy rising from the dead right now.

Aaaaaand The Crash....

Usually I don't have my tantrum until 3 days before my period starts. Is PMS a few days early?

Went to the only yardsale in the paper today and it wound up being at someone's house that we know who just so happened to have MIRACULOUSLY given birth in her car, by herself, on the way to the hospital...after Becca had died.
I was looking for some clothes since I hardly have anything that fits anymore, what with all the pregnancies and weight gain and subsequent loss...they had mostly baby stuff. Gobs and gobs of baby clothes, baby beds, baby backpacks, baby jumpers, baby toys, baby books, etc.
I bought a dog house and got out of there after making polite conversation.
Got home, and wouldn't ya know it, the dang dogs didn't want to have anything to do with the dog house. I just lost it.
I cried and ranted and wailed for an hour. Just sobbed and yelled and sobbed and sobbed some more.
For the life of me, when I get like this, I can't feel anything but incredible pain and a sense of loss and I just miss my babies SO BAD I can't think of anything else. I can't describe it any other way other than that it hurts so bad you just want to die to get away from it.

I miss my babies. I'm so scared that God won't let us try again or that we'll just wind up with another dead baby. Sometimes I just wish God would tell me what to do....somedays it seems like I am just SO CLOSE to having it all figured out and I'm moving on with my life and then days like today I just completely fall apart and feel just as awful as I did the moment I found out my babies were going to die or were already dead.

My husband just sat there and listened and held me and didn't respond in anger when I yelled and cursed and swore and ranted and tried to blame him and God and myself. In the end I just collapsed and sobbed some more.

There is nothing glamorous about grief. I don't care what they portray in the movies, grief is ugly.

My husband is so patient and unwavering in his faith...I'm blessed. Angry and broken, but blessed..he is a good man.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Looking A Gift Horse In The Mouth

The past few days I have been feeling unusually energetic and chipper. I would like to figure out what I've been doing right, so that I can do it again when I feel crummy both physically and emotionally. So....I'm going to list all the things that could be possibilities for causes of these good feelings:

1) It is the time of the month in my cycle where I am at my hormonal peak (ovulation)which almost always leaves me in a good mood for that week
2) I started taking a baby aspirin and 400mcg of folic acid everyday. (increased blood flow and production...did I have anemia?)
3) My husband's ex has put off moving away with the children for right now since she hasn't found a job...this has lifted a huge burden.
4) We have finally and officially put our house on the market and have a "plan B" to get rid of the house if it does not sell. This is a HUGE source of happy for me.
5) The HOPE of a new home and the HOPE of possibly trying again for another pregnancy in 6 months...all the planning and daydreaming for future goals are somethings that have been lacking in my life and causing me to be depressed.
6) Just bought $50 worth of cleaning supplies and scoured the house top to bottom, including waxing the floors and removing many small pieces of furniture and clutter into the attic....this makes it feel more homey and happy around here.
7) Being able to help the neighbors with their grief...I hesitate to even mention this because the loss of their precious boy is such a tragedy, but being able to help them and share with them redefines my sense of purpose and renews my hope that my own children's deaths were not in vain. Sometimes the only thing that can get us out of an emotional pit of despair and depression is the need to help others.

Hopefully next time that I am feeling down I can go back and look at this list and find something that helps.

I Wish I Was Pregnant

Today is one of those days where I wish I was pregnant. I've had a few pregnant dreams this week.
Woke up to a thunderstorm at 5am and thought about the family up the street and I remember the feeling of absolute dread of waking up every morning to face another day after my babies died. I remembered it so well, for a moment I relived the feeling. I hope that phase of their grief passes quickly for's so awful.

I just would like to have a new life growing in me again...this is one of those days where I really feel like I am ready for this and I'm just really really longing for it.

But ask me again tomorrow....

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Renewed Faith

I've been struggling with my relationship with God and the idea of being in a desert as far as a faith crisis goes, is a pretty accurate description.
Yesterday and today I was privileged to be able to cry and share with a young family who just lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. My heart breaks for them...I know what kind of pain and heartache they are facing. The initial shock and trauma, the numbness, the soul-shattering feeling of loss and grief, the anger, the guilt, the lonliness, the trying to make sense of the world....and all I want to do is make it better but I can't.
But the blessing in disguise is this: Being with this young family has shown me just how far I have come in my own grief journey, and has allowed me an opportunity to be in a position to be of help...this brings meaning to Jimmy and Becca's short lives...the pain that I've been going through is able to help me help someone else.
A good friend of mine pointed out that maybe my faith crisis right now is something that God can use...sometimes when you are grieving nothing is more annoying than someone who has it all together. Perhaps sometimes people need to see that you can fall apart and lose faith and God will heal you.
I do believe that my doubts and fears and distance from God is part of my grief process and I have faith that my faith will be restored. God has time and time again used the broken people to carry his message.
Maybe my brokeness right now is a good way of reaching someone else who is broken.

I would like to have my faith and innocence back, I really would. The closeness that I felt to God when I was in the hospital with Becca was amazing. I wish I could feel like that again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Pre-Pregnancy Planning?

So...coming up on 6 months since Becca died. The doctor told us to wait at least six months, but we are going to wait at least a year. After Becca's one year Angelversary at the end of October, and after Jimmy's two year Angelversary mid-November, we can start trying again if we want to.
I have a long list of health-related things I would like to take care of first and I've gotten part of my dental work done and started taking a daily baby aspirin and folic acid again.
All of a sudden, 6 months seems like a very short period of time and I don't know whether to be excited or scared or both?
We had a full-term stillbirth, an 8 week miscarriage, and a 23 week premature birth resulting in death....what are the odds that if we try again we will wind up with a living baby? Are we ready to face another infant loss?
Strange as it sounds...I'm worried about burial plots. We took up two of my mother-in-law's burial plots to bury Jimmy and Becca. I think there are only two more...which are for my mother in law and father in law when they die maybe? What if we have another dead baby and nowhere to bury him/her? It doesn't seem right to not bury another child with the two previous siblings who have passed on.
I wish I could get a guarantee that we would be having a living it is, I'm afraid we will just wind up with yet another dead baby. But the small hope of a living child makes me want to try again, as does the knowledge that even a short pregnancy is still bonding time with our baby.
Does this make me selfish? Crazy? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I'm glad we still have several months before we can try again, and sometimes I wish I could just go ahead and get pregnant and get it over with....if I'm going to lose another baby, I'd rather get it over with before I've healed all the way and then have to go through this all again.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

More Pregnancy Dreams

Had yet another pregnancy dream last night...this is starting to border on the realm of "recurring dream" territory.
I dreamed that I was pregnant and didn't believe it since I had been getting my period regularly, but I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive. Then I spent the rest of the dream looking for a doctor and preparing for a cerclage and hoping that I had made it to the doctor soon enough.
This is getting rather annoying. I'd like to stop having these dreams, please.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

No More Doom & Gloom!

Ok, I know I'm still in a grieving phase, and we have had probably one of the worst first two years of marriage EVER, but let's have a little happiness, shall we?
We can start with my attitude...attitude adjustment?
I started with cleaning the house yesterday...vacuuming the hardwood floors including corners and baseboards and under furniture, laundry, wiping down counters, cleaning sinks, washing out the kitchen trash can, dusting the tables and chairs with pledge, etc.
I have never been much of a house-keeper...arguably my biggest flaw as a human being is that I am a lazy slob. True story.
Anyway, my husband and I had one of those *real* marital "discussions" the other day and he finally let loose a few things he had been holding back for months. (Its like pulling teeth to get that man to admit he is unhappy with something.) Bottom line is that he had a good point....I may be grieving still, but being home all day while he works and pays the bills and him coming home to a messy house is really not fair to him.
That really hit home with me...I love my husband, despite our predicaments, and for him to feel unloved and unappreciated and ashamed of my lack of taking care of our home makes me feel bad. I need to get out of my feeling sorry for myself mode, press on through the anxiety and depression and anything else that gets in my way, and start I blared the music yesterday and cleaned the house.
I remember a quote I heard on a commercial for that show on TLC "Buried Alive" about hoarders with ungodly cluttered and nasty homes, and the quote was something about the state of your home being indicative of your mental state.
You know, that is really true! If I look back on all the times that I decided to turn on the radio or pop in a good CD and clean my home top to bottom and organize drawers and throw away clutter and rearrange furniture...they were times in my life when I felt destressed, happy, and had a positive outlook on life.
So, if I only clean when I'm already happy and feeling good and when I'm depressed I live like a pig and keep everything filthy, and if your housing state is your mental state....wouldn't it seem logical that I could perhaps help myself get out of a mental funk by keeping my house clean? Even when I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to?
Let's see how that goes. I have very good motivation right now because my husband needs me with all the stuff going on with his ex-wife and kids right now. My season of being selfish and grieving is over...its not my turn anymore. My husband has given me ample time and leeway to grieve and he has done very little complaining. Now it's time to focus on the family situation at hand and start picking myself back up...I know I can't just become the person that I used to be overnight...but I need to step up this healing process because my family needs me right now.

Let's see if I can make a commitment to keeping my home clean and free of clutter and pray that it has the same effect on my mental and emotional state.

I feel lighter since the other day when I completely broke down and grieved for Becca so harshly...I put all the rest of the baby stuff in the attic that I had out in my room...the stuffed animal I had with her in the hospital, her memory box from the NICU, her photos and the ultrasounds and everything else. All in the attic. I miss my babies so much, but its been almost 6 months now since Becca died and it's been a year and a half since Jimmy died.
It's ok for me to be sad every now and then, but it's not ok to be a wreck anymore. I was allowed my time to wallow in my grief, and now it is time to get back up and get to work.
I'm so glad I am needed...I really don't think I'd have been able to motivate myself to climb out of this hole on my own.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Losing Two More Children

My husband's ex-wife informed us yesterday that she will be moving to Texas in May and taking her two children with her....she has hired a lawyer and already begun the paperwork to change the current visitation agreement.
My husband is going to go from being a Dad who has his children in his home at least 10 days out of the month, to a Dad who sees his kids twice a year: Summer and Christmas.
This is going to kill him.
On top of her leaving and taking the children so far away that we cannot see them but twice a year, she has informed my husband that the house that she has failed to refinance and put in her name for going on 4 years now and an equity loan...she is just going to walk away from and leave my husband and I to foreclose on...we've been trying for 2 years to get a home of our own that is bigger than the 950sq ft--one bathroom we have now, and this is going to wreck our credit for a very very long time.
We met with a lawyer...the worst part? She can do this. All of this. With little to no repercussion.
With no thought for anyone but herself she is singlehandedly destroying the lives of several other people and the law sides with her. She is effectively destroying their relationship with their father...and that's apparently ok?? That's awful!

I'm just now trying to crawl out of the pit of despair after losing two babies and a miscarriage in one year...and my husband has been a rock, bless him, even though those were his babies too...he has been "ok" because he has had his two living children here to focus on and spend time with.

I am worried that when his children are taken away from him by their mother that he is going to fall apart. How can one man lose so many children in less than two years and still be alright? Especially a man like my husband, whose life revolves around his family.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

March Of Dimes...

Link to my team page:

I had a picture for Jimmy last year so I figured this year I'd do Becca's pic. It was nice to get a personal phone call from the coordinator at the March of Dimes to let me know that they will be having a balloon release this year. I'm looking forward to that...a lot of angel parents have released balloons but I've not yet done one for either of my babies.
I have two friends who have joined my team this year, but I don't think either one of them is actually going to be able to make it.
My husband and my son are going with all the men in the family that day to a Braves game in Atlanta (I helped plan it and it was the only day that worked for everyone) so I won't have any family with me either.
But that's ok, because it's not about me, right?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Yelling At God... something I seem to be doing a lot these days. I cry out in pain and he's the only one who knows exactly what I've been through, right?

I have spent the past 3 weeks feeling more alone than I think I have ever been in my life. I finally reached a point where I began to realize that life doesn't seem to have a whole lot of meaning outside of suffering...I have forgotten how to be happy, and the little things I used to find joy in seem like hollow and meaningless distractions to me now.
My driving force, the one thing keeping me from just giving up and dying, is the hope that I can still find another reason to live...something solid, substantial, and with a deeper meaning than just finding distractions to fill my day with and meaningless activities to get me through life.

I need something real! I need hope and I need a reason to live.....but the biggest thing so far has been the loneliness. The feeling that, while there are people who have suffered and who are suffering, there is no one who knows what *this* feels like.

Spoke to a friend on the other side of the world today who is going through this too...I cannot explain why, but for some reason, knowing that they know how this feels, EXACTLY how this feels, takes a burden and a weight off of my shoulders and gives me hope.

What a delightfully odd feeling.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Little Insight

I've been wondering why now, after 5 months, it has seemed to have gotten so much harder over the past two or three weeks? My heart has been hurting like crazy!
It was about around the 5 month mark that I got pregnant again after Jimmy...which would make one year now since I was pregnant with the baby we miscarried. But that pregnancy, even for a few weeks, brought me so much hope and joy. And less than a month after I miscarried, I was pregnant with Becca.
I think maybe my body is remembering all of this? The past couple of weeks of insane phantom pregnancy symptoms and baby kicks that aren't really there and the constant, vivid dreams of being pregnant...I even went out and bought a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Test was negative, so I guess it's just the grief and the physical memories causing me so much heartache right now.

It was easier to move forward after Jimmy's death when I got pregnant again. Now, it's been 5 months since Becca's death and not only am I not pregnant, but there is no hope of another pregnancy in the immediate future...we are taking preventative measures.
I think it's forcing me to go through a second wave of grief which is almost worse than the first.
My husband and I got into a huge argument last night over the kids and a good part of that could have been prevented if I would have kept my grief/anger out of the equation...I was not level-headed at all.
Today, I cried harder than I have cried in a very very very long of those cries where you are moaning and gasping for breath in between sobs, there's tears and snot pouring down your face and you can't even wipe it away because you are spending all your energy trying to breathe and there's this wailing in pain and you are almost outside of yourself wondering if its really you making all that noise...holding onto Becca's little hat that she wore, hugging her stuffed animal, rocking back and forth and sobbing and weeping and wailing and gasping for breath as each wave of pain just slams into you like a fist punching your heart and your stomach over and over as a barrage of flashbacks attacks you as well...images of her body, the last time I felt her kick, a smile waking up to her fluttering, an image of my pregnant quote my friend Andrew who watched his six year old daughter die from cancer: "I didn't know it was possible for a human being to feel this much pain."

I've been holding it in. I miss my baby, and I miss her in a way that not a soul on this earth will ever be able to feel but me. My body misses her and I miss her body. My womb is empty, my arms ache, and I'm just broken to pieces from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and from my heart to my soul. I just miss my baby.

How amazing is that bond between a mother and her child that a mother's mind and body continues to instinctually respond with such pain at the separation?

I hope I don't have to go through another day like today. I hope all the rest of my days being sad for Becca are just little soft tears and whispers of memories and tiny tugs on my I felt ripped apart. I don't want to feel that again.