Monday, April 4, 2011

Yelling At God... something I seem to be doing a lot these days. I cry out in pain and he's the only one who knows exactly what I've been through, right?

I have spent the past 3 weeks feeling more alone than I think I have ever been in my life. I finally reached a point where I began to realize that life doesn't seem to have a whole lot of meaning outside of suffering...I have forgotten how to be happy, and the little things I used to find joy in seem like hollow and meaningless distractions to me now.
My driving force, the one thing keeping me from just giving up and dying, is the hope that I can still find another reason to live...something solid, substantial, and with a deeper meaning than just finding distractions to fill my day with and meaningless activities to get me through life.

I need something real! I need hope and I need a reason to live.....but the biggest thing so far has been the loneliness. The feeling that, while there are people who have suffered and who are suffering, there is no one who knows what *this* feels like.

Spoke to a friend on the other side of the world today who is going through this too...I cannot explain why, but for some reason, knowing that they know how this feels, EXACTLY how this feels, takes a burden and a weight off of my shoulders and gives me hope.

What a delightfully odd feeling.


  1. I share in that same feeling too. Aparently i am just pushing everyone away when it me who is BEGGING FOR A HUG OR SOME HELP IN THIS! I try reading the bible and i feel even WORSE, i lay in bed and CRY and my husband avoids me like the freaking plague. I am depressed so everyone avoids me, and i am pushing them away if i dont GO TO THEM and BEG them for help. Its been 5 months and since i am not "all better" everyone thinks i need drugs and counseling. who knows, maybe i do. Your not alone katie, but i know how ALONE this feels, i feel the same way. Most of the time id just want to give up, whatever that entails, it sounds nice. If i could just give all this pain and grief away, just leave it somewhere and carry on. Too bad it just doesnt work like that. (((hugs))) from Wiso. I am glad you have some hope, i am in dire need of some too. I wish i could just get off of this rollercoaster, i am tired of it all. Take care <3

  2. Yes! Do you sometimes feel like all of your social cues you are giving off asking for help or time or attention from your friends, family, and spouse are being completely ignored or overlooked? It's tough! And then when you do blow up and get hysterical everyone acts like "where the heck did that come from?", like its sooooo out of the blue oh noes! Hahaha! Yes, it's definitely a roller coaster, I'm just hoping the ride ends soon so I can go back to the carousel and ride one of those mundane unicorns around and around in a boring circle for awhile instead of all these "exciting" ups and downs! *hugs* I am hoping for a sliver of hope for you too...its amazing how even the tiniest bit of hope can be so uplifting right now.
    Thinking of you, Krystal. Hugs and Love.

  3. PS--Drugs and counseling can be a great help, especially the counseling, but don't let your feelings and your grief be minimized by well meaning friends and family who think that by referring you to therapy and pharmaceuticals that it will "fix" you....pills and a therapist will help you through your grief if you need assistance, but it will not replace the actual "getting through" the grief process...we still gotta go through all the ups and downs and feelings even when its tough. Remember...the only way through grief is THROUGH it. Not around it, and not over or above it by being high on prozac, hahaha, although that certainly might help! ;)