Sunday, September 25, 2011

This Blog Has Come To An End....

Today I dedicated my family planning to God, and am going to be obedient in where we feel like we are being led: no more pregnancies, no babies, no adoption planning.
We're just going to focus on the kids we have and learn to work through the grief of accepting that we will not be able to have any children of our own together.

I know God has a plan and I trust him because I know he loves me.


I am ok, my family is happy, and now that I'm letting go of all the baby dreams, I'm looking forward to what God has planned for me and my family....I know he'll carry me through the grief.

Thank you for sharing this time in my life, God bless you!

Katie

Monday, September 19, 2011

Notes With Becca

****It has taken me almost a year to get the courage to post these notes...I typed these out on my iPhone when I was in the hospital and the Ronald McDonald house for the two weeks we tried to save Becca. Some of the notes are out of order, but I entered them exactly as they were in my phone and I have not edited them at all....there may be something in there about my mother in law's snoring, but she had a cold and GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN SHE IS AMAZING!!!!****

OCTOBER Day One

(No note...this was the day I went into the doctor because I felt something wasn't quite right...and we found out I was 5cm dilated with the baby's amniotic sac bulging into the birth canal. They sent me to the hospital and I was told I would deliver right away...but I didn't. They transferred me the next morning to a hospital 3 hours away, and we began a two week journey of hope and grief.)


OCTOBER Day Two

Time with Becca
Wednesday
Hooked on a feeling
Paper towel dispenser fax from heaven "is there anything written on it?"
Becca kicking me to sleep
Faith ... Having to make that tough decision and deciding to wait.
Daddy kissing my Becca belly
Waking up to Becca rolling and kicking
Praying
Praying
Praying!!!
Daddy taking pictures of me with Becca still in my belly
Being terrified of suffering
Being terrified of losing Becca
Return of glimmer of hope after praying with and talking to brother Mickey.
Rusty saying "we're GONNA wait"
Rusty saying he was at peace with our decision even if it meant he didn't get back to Jackson in time to meet Becca before she dies
Acknowledging the fact that we all suffer... Just different circumstances. We would rather go through this and our other losses than watch one of our kids die from cancer.
Membrane rupture scare
Dr able to see Beccas feet kicking through the cervix into the part of the bag that's bulging out. I could feel it. Fear that she'll kick her way out too soon.
Getting moved upstairs
Saying goodbye to Rusty...he took a family picture of us in the hospital bed
Rusty holding my hand and praying
Getting to eat for the first time in 24 hours.

The bedpan story with the foot pedals and the being upside down and the guy with the food tray....all that work and hardly anything at all she SHOWED me....ha ha ha!

Texting with courtney
Rubbing my Becca belly and looking out the window as the sun set feeling emotional and wondering if this was our last night
Becca moved up so pressure off cervix and slept great.

OCTOBER Day Three

Another day with Becca
Thursday
Blood draw at 430am
Reading daddy's text from last night: "goodnight babies. Love you both so much."
Becca moved up during the night and off my cervix.. Daydreaming hopeful things.
Rubbing my belly and feeling Becca kicking and tumbling as I tell her how much her daddy and I want her and love her. Told her that she will soon either be with Jesus or here fighting for her life and we will love her either way.
Dr visit saying they would discharge me if I was still pregnant in 2 days
Getting the catheter out and having to get up and pee
Brother Mickey's visit
Sonogram..1 lb 2 oz and measuring 22 weeks exactly (but still only 21&4 in their book)
Becca waving to Daddy
Seeing her precious feet and toes and knees and nose and everything so perfect... Seeing my cervix and the sac bulging and feeling so helpless and terrified and losing hope
Being told yet again there is absolutely no hope and infection is imminent
Nurse saying they've seen many cases like mine and no success stories yet...maybe we'll be the first
Getting afraid and discouraged
Rusty reminding me it's up to God and don't let Satan get in the way because he is trying to discourage and hurt us.
Visit from nice lady, Rustys old neighbor BJ
Talking to Taylor on the phone and laughing for 20 minutes about loogies and farts
Flirting with my husband via text :)
Singing to Becca and watching the sunset
Talking to Rusty on the phone and realizing we have not been apart this long since before we got married
Phone call with dr davis, Cerclage specialist in Philadelphia/new jersey...no new info or contradiction of what the Drs here are saying. "miracles do happen..I'll say a prayer for you."

OCTOBER Day Four

Yet another day with Becca still here!
Praise God!!!
Friday
Sunrise with Becca singing songs from choir..."I believe God"
Discharge scare
Meeting with dr to discuss me being discharged to motel across the street
Hope prayer hope prayer!!!
Really awesome hospital food hamburger steak
Temperature scare! 99.2 to 98.4
Discharged to hotel
Shower yay
Mom&Dad coming
BJ shows up when they do
Hotel room is 208!
All these signs from God :)
Rebecca Lane in room 208 with mom and dad.... Should make Rusty feel good like he is "coming home"
Evening with Rusty
He had told Becca if she stayed put while he was gone he would get her a present so he brought her a pink stuffed monkey
Daddy taking good care of his baby

OCTOBER Day Five

Praise God another day!!
Saturday
Lots of discharge...scary
Temp normal
Praise God Becca is still here!!!!
Made it past the 11 month anniversary of Jimmy's death and birth
Breakfast...Rusty came back with a banana in his pocket ha ha ha!
Panic attack
Talking to Debbie Butler
Praying
Playing magic cards with Rusty

OCTOBER Day Six

Becca is still here!
Sunday
Thank you God for another morning waking up to my sweet baby's kicks.
Worried..is my water leaking?
Becca feels lower, bulging membranes feel bigger
Wish I was in a bed that could be tilted
Propped up with pillows under hips and feet...that moved Becca away from my cervix and back up to belly button whew!
All morning reading about incompetent cervix and bulging membranes...not a lot out there for my situation. Every case either got a rescue Cerclage or went into labor right away.
Daddy feeling Beccas kicks :):):) saying she likes football ( we were watching football on TV)
Saying bye to Rusty and hi to mom
Great evening with mom watching Tv and chatting and she got to feel Becca kicking
Making arrangements for Taylor to have fun
Worried about my friends in Australia
Rusty named Beccas stuffed animals Miggy and Punkey
Realizing that if we can make it just 10 more days Becca will be viable and can have steroid shots and a whopping 70% fighting chance at life!!!!
Even more afraid but happy at the same time.
Feeling some tightening and pressure and watery discharge but hoping that's "normal" for my state.
Thank you Jesus for another day.

OCTOBER Day Seven

One Week!!
Monday
It's been a whole week!!!
Had fun with mom last night watching iron chef and gossiping
Becca not moving as much today...is she ok?
No discharge today at all even though I've been up to shower and change
Is all her amniotic fluid still there?
If we make it to Thursday we will be 23 weeks and 5-15% chance of survival
Small gush of fluid..emergency trip to the hospital. Lots of crying.
Dr just happened to come in right when i did so he saw me right away
Bag still intact
Emotional and drained
Dr Brewer really nice and caring
Ultrasound showed baby fine with plenty of fluid...still dilated 4cm and membranes bulging but not as much as they were at the beginning of last week.
Lady down the hall didn't know she was pregnant until she came in for a miscarriage. Life is fragile.
Discharged to hotel, Matthew 8:26
Tired, irritable, and grouchy.

OCTOBER Day Eight

Monday
Sleepy but grateful. Temp at 97.
Thank you Abba.
Gotta make it through today, tomorrow, the next day...and then the day after that Beccas steroid shots!!
Rusty and I missing each other...bathroom photos ha ha ha!!
Taylor has a girlfriend named Angel but she had to move. Poor Taylor.
Shane kept a patient alive today.
Had elevated temp again but it went away when I took a Xanax and my heart stopped racing. Anxiety...

OCTOBER Day Nine

Sunday
Becca not moving as much...making me nervous. Maybe cuz I woke up and found I'd been sleeping on my stomach? Mom snores like a beast..had to have pillows over my head and even that and the AC couldn't drown her out.
Wondering if I should go in and get checked or not...Becca squirmed and wiggled while typing this. Maybe everything is ok. Trusting you God!!!
In hospital for checkup..everything looks ok and baby is moving around and has plenty of fluid and good heartbeat. She is head down though eep! They can't tell if she is engaged or not without doing a pelvic exam and at this point that's unnecessary...just stay on bedrest and watch for fever or signs of labor.
Please God...Thursday is starting to look so far away! Please keep Becca in there and safe and healthy and living!!
Fever?? Freak out big time!!!
98.9 to 99.2 to 98.6 and back up
Rusty talking to me while I was crying and reading me all the "if you give a mouse a cookie" stories to soothe me over the phone then we prayed together. Temp down to 98.4
God hold us. This is hard and scary.

OCTOBER Day 10

October 23
Saturday
Psalm 116:1
Mom went to Target
Dr called to check in and discuss how things are going... Still saying in my charts that I'm 22&6 poo on them!
Said shots could be given at 23&5 so still on track for Thurs/Friday.
Called Rusty to update.
Mom bought me bras and clothes
Rusty sent pics of street Rebecca LN

OCTOBER Day 11

October 22
Friday
Feeling sorry for myself
Praying
Texting with Rusty about this being hard on us and we muss each other but gotta depend on God and so grateful that we have Becca still!!!!!
Crying a lot today and moody
Poor MIL and pizza fiasco
Got a package with a tiny hat in it from Calvin's Hats...hoping Becca will be too big to wear it by the time she is born!!!
Is it my imagination or is Becca moving a lot less today? Scares me.
Peeing a lot too. Scares me as well.

OCTOBER Day 12

October 21
Hooray Thursday!!
Every day counts. Every day. One week til life saving steroid shots for Beccas lungs. I'm so hopeful!!!
Romans 8:24-25
Shower
Shane worried about Taylors schooling
Taylor misses me
Moms snoring
Cabin fever ugh!
Grateful that Becca still here guilty for complaining over silly things.
Chance sick so Rusty and kids can't come this weekend. I cried.
Mom got me red nailpolish to cheer me up.
Becca seems to know I need reassurance she moves all day.
When I sing to her she kicks bigger.
Rusty and I talking about how she wants to live.

OCTOBER Day 13

October 20
Wednesday
Hooray Wednesday!!!
Jeremiah 31:25
Feeling renewed thank you God!!
Rusty and I texting about feeling calm and really believing God is going to see us through this...starting to feel like we have a birth to look forward to and not a funeral.
So much for calm? Feeling irritable and yucky...almost nauseous...and sleepy. Hope this passes uneventfully and doesn't affect the baby!!!
Mom took a nap I had some quiet time felt better
Teresa brought care package from SS
Rusty got care package from my online support group feb EC board

OCTOBER Day 14

October 19
Tuesday
Isaiah 40:31
Panic attack last night heart pounding sweating hot uncomfortable scared
Weary and emotional
Rusty said he prayed over Beccas bassinet this morning. He had a talk with God about her. Warms my heart.
2 more days to 23 weeks!! Odds jump to 15% and 2-4% every day thereafter that she stays cooking!! Praying.
Talking to Courtney...feeling like being an angel mom is privilege. A red badge of courage... Soldier in Gods army with battle scars.
Nap time thinking happy thoughts
Mom found Chinese food yay ha ha
Feeling better. Hopeful.

OCTOBER Day 15

October 26
Tuesday
Woke up to big gush of fluid that soaked the bed. Thought my water broke..it was clear. Mom nowhere around and didnt answer her phone so got a ride from the maintenance guy to the hospital.
Dr brewer said sac had not ruptured and tests for amniotic fluid were negative but she does have low fluid levels.
Also, going with original due date so I won't go in Thursday I'll go in Saturday and they'll give me shots at midnight since I'll be 24 weeks on Sunday.
So, Becca is still here and we've been set back a few days. 23&2 instead of 23&5. :( God you are mighty...please carry us through this. Please.
Still majorly leaking fluid. Discouraged. God I'm weary and confused! Mom is totally sick and coughing and sneezing and sniffling and blowing her nose every couple of minutes. (its driving me CRAZY!) She needs to go home. Told Rusty to go ahead and come and bring Dad with him but we can't get ahold of dad.
Had a contraction at 3:20ish.
Took a nap for an hour and felt better.
Not gushing anymore but still watery discharge...it's not clear but it's not urine either. Worried about infection.
Took a shower. Waiting on Rusty to get here and mom to leave.
5 more days...it doesn't feel like we will make it that long..feels like things are starting to happen. Nothing is impossible with God though right? Oh ye of little faith?

OCTOBER Day 16

*BIRTHDAY*

October 27
Think I'm having contractions..all night
Pretty painful now and less than 10 min apart. Becca squirming alot.
At the hospital. May have this baby before anyone can get to us!! Owww!!!
IV and headed up to labor and delivery.
Bro slater and bro Mickey came by..nice visit Rusty was happy good stories.
Contractions slowed down
Doctor came in and said my white count was elevated pretty high indicating an infection.
The doctors are conferring about what to do.
God I'm scared! I also don't want to miss anything because I'm too sick.
God please save my daughter. Please.
Rebecca Lane born 5:09pm 1lb 8oz
Daddy and I fattened her up over the past couple weeks she had gained 6oz
She did not cry or move but she was born alive. She had no lung tissue to work with. They tried to give her oxygen but there was just no lungs.
Her heart was still beating when we got to hold her..held her until she got cold. Took pictures.
So tired. Slight fever because of the infection. They had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding so on medicine for that too. When contractions started again I prayed the same thing that I prayed when we miscarried: please God don't let it hurt. It didn't. Got to 6cm then epidural. Birth was easy, getting the placenta out was hard..doc had her arm in up to my elbow.
Felt the peace and calm of God the whole time.
Rusty and I did not break down...even when we held our baby. Cried a little and talked a little and took pictures.
Everyone was so nice.
Becca looked like Rustys mother. So small and perfect. I watched her heart beating even though she didn't move. Unwrapped her and laid her on my chest and kissed her head and told her I loved her and sang you are my sunshine just like I did when she was still in my belly. She never moved just gradually got cold.
I'm numb I'm sure but still grateful to God for the extra time. God said no, but he sure took care of us.
Rusty went to sleep. It all just hit me around 11pm and I was just so sad I couldn't stop sobbing. Rusty calmed me down and went back to sleep.
I called Rustys mom because I was still really sad. So was she. We talked about the baby and funeral arrangements.






THE FUNERAL

Beccas funeral
Jimmy visited...knocked over the roses and one stayed on his grave. Told funeral lady to leave it there...she realized what happened and teared up.
Joking later with Slater Rusty was like "do I need to get my belt?" just like a boy to try and get his parents attention focused off baby sister!
We bought them both little plastic mini flowers in pots.
Went out to eat afterwards just us...spent the rest of day and night together. Loving each other.

God allowed us the opportunity to try and change the outcome with Becca to show us that it didn't matter what we did or did not do he was in control...thankful for that. We dud everything and have no regrets and no haunting and painful what ifs. Feels like Jimmy was ripped from us but we gave Becca to God willingly. We have peace... About both babies.
Still hurts though. Still miss them both and so sad. Not sure how to grieve thistime. So peaceful. Miss my babies...still shocked that Becca is gone...miss my baby girl. Rusty misses her too. This is going to be hard.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Official Update

There were a few ladies on another pregnancy board that were concerned and I realized that in the past 3 weeks I had forgotten to update a few people...here is my official update in case I've missed anyone else:


Hi ladies.
No, I'm not in a padded room or anything. :)

Scarlett didn't have a heartbeat when I went into the operating room to have a preventative cerclage placed...it was quite a sad surprise. We induced that day, and within a few hours she was born. I didn't have an epidural or even any tylenol because I wanted to feel EVERYTHING...her birth pains were very special to me. Right after she came out, I started taking pictures and the doctor showed me where her little cord was compressed, whch was the cause of her death. He said that in any other instance he would say cord accidents happen and go ahead and try again, but since we are 0 for 4 in the baby department, (even though each baby died for a seemingly different reason), he thinks that my husband and I are genetically incompatible and we both must carry some sort of recessive gene. This makes sense because my husband has an older sister who was born with a hole in her heart requiring surgery, and has an unknown chromosome anomaly that has caused her physical and mental challenges not unlike down syndrome. When Jimmy was born, he had the same facial features as my husband's sister and the doctor told us that Jimmy's death was because of a chromosome abnormality. Becca looked perfect so we wrote that off as a developed incompetent cervix as the cause, but since Scarlett, we are rethinking that and guessing that Becca's death was probably caused by some chromosome abnormality as well and that it was actually pre-term labor caused by the anomaly and not an incompetent cervix.
We have no more answers right now other than that it doesn't look like my husband and I will be able to have any living children together...I don't know if our insurance covers genetic testing, but we will look into it sometime in the future. Genetic testing may not give us any answers, and it surely won't give us a living baby, but if we can get a name for this chromosome problem, we could give our other kids (I have a 9 year old son from an oops when I was 21, and my husband has a 14 year old and a 10 year old with his ex wife) a heads up for when they start having kids one day.

We buried Scarlett the day after she was born....her funeral consisted of just my husband and I and the funeral director and the gravedigger guy...I carried her casket and laid her in the ground myself and would have shoveled the dirt in as well if my husband hadn't stopped me....I wanted to take care of those last moments, you know?

This has been tough for me, especially not being able to have the hope of another chance at a pregnancy and living baby, and it really hurts my heart that my husband and I seem to be genetically incompatible.

However!

However, that very week, my husband's son called him from Texas and said "Dad, come get me, I hate the school here" and my husband drove 9 hours there and back to bring his son back to live with us...I spent an entire evening and all the next day painting his son's bedroom the colors that he wanted and we have been so blessed....I know my husband has been hurting so bad with all his babies in heaven and his two kids 9 hours away, so this was a HUGE answered prayer. (In so many ways, a teenager requires more than a newborn!!) We didn't get a baby, but we got my husband's son back and now they have an opportunity to fix their broken relationship which is such an enormous blessing.
I also went back to work a week after Scarlett died...I got a job working lunches M-F at our new Logan's Roadhouse as a server just to have something to do and to help my husband save up money to hire a lawyer to modify his custody agreement and child support now that his son is living with us.
I've taken on assistant teaching with the 2nd grade choir on Wednesday nights, and on Sunday evenings before church, my husband and I are taking a 2 hour biblically-based financial class.
My only living child, (thank you JESUS for him!), expressed interest in football now that his older step-brother is here (the step-brother plays 9th grade football) so his father and I enrolled him in PeeWee football and tonight was his first practice.
God has kept me VERY busy....all of this stuff has all taken place within the past 3 weeks...my life became very, very full all of a sudden.
What a blessing, no? I thought my life would be totally empty without Scarlett or any other babies of my own, but God went into overdrive to fill my life with people who need me and things to keep me busy and productive.
Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day for my babies and I long with ALL my heart for a baby and I think about adoption a lot now....but I still have a purpose in life and I still have a family and I still have a future.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have felt God's presence and I see signs constantly and have been for the past three weeks that show that He loves me. Yes, I have my moments, like the night before last when I was crying on my husband's shoulder and said "I think God has forgotten about me!"...but I say that out of sadness and hurt...God has not forgotten me, He just said No.

I am learning to accept 'No' for an answer, and I am learning that just because God says 'No' doesn't mean that he doesn't care or doesn't want me to be happy...it's just not part of his plan right now. I struggle with that, but most of the time I think I am handling it fairly well.

I miss my babies, SO much, and I cry everyday, but I am not without love, direction, purpose, happiness, or a future...I'm just a sad, sad momma who is trying to balance grief and gratitude.

Thank you for thinking of me, praying for me, and worrying about me.

Love you, ladies. Many hugs!!!!

Love,

Katie

Monday, September 5, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Nothing To Report...

I'm about to get ready for work. Yesterday was much better, and after talking to someone at church about my "discontent" regarding my employment situation, I realized I need to focus on the goal and remember that this is temporary, and sometimes you just have to suck up the reality of the situation and do what you need to do in order to accomplish something.
Tonight Rusty and I will clean out the storage shed and Saturday we will carry everything over to a mini-storage unit in town and have a "yard sale." I am carrying Becca's bassinet with me to work as someone answered an ad online and is going to purchase it for $20.
Twenty bucks...by the end of the weekend, all my baby stuff will be gone, including the rocking chair that I've clung to for the past 3 years in the hopes of having a baby to hold and soothe in it. We don't always get what we hope for, do we?
I've got a gig tomorrow night and whatever I make there will go towards our goal as well.
I wonder if someday Rusty's kids and my son will ever know or be grateful for all the sacrifices we have made for them?

I hope we accomplish this particular financial goal very soon, because after that I can go to substitute teaching and spending more time at home and going to our kids football games and stuff.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Tired and Sad

This will be my third day at my waitressing job...lots of food service drama up there and a few less than desirable employees but a job is a job, even if it's minimum wage. I just need to work long enough for us to be able to pay for lawyer fees for Rusty's son and for the $200 I need to pay my debt to the university so I can get a copy of my transcript and then pay my $40 fee for my background check with the local school district so I can start substitute teaching instead of running around all day with plates of burgers and fries.
I didn't just lose a baby when Jimmy died, I lost my career as well. With Becca and Scarlett's deaths, I have now lost any hope of a future as a mom of a little girl, or any baby for that matter. I need to focus on the kids we have and our finances and it's looking pretty bleak for the moment...we just need to get over this hump and I think we will be ok. But until we get over the hump, I'm feeling kind of down.
It was 2 weeks yesterday that I lost Scarlett and 2 weeks as of today that we buried her.
I'm still bleeding from the birth and that is really keeping me from moving on emotionally...I'm sad and disheartened. Physically, the bleeding combined with the working has gotten me pretty drained...especially since I don't get to eat lunch at work...I eat breakfast and then a snack when I get home at 3pm and then dinner.

I'm so drained and exhausted and sad. I just want to have a good cry and a nice long nap so I can wake up and feel refreshed and then maybe take the dogs for a walk or clean my room or something productive but not stressful.

I don't like my job. I thought I would love it. Turns out, it was just the excitement of the prospect of having a job and getting out and making money...but this is not the job for me...but we need the money so I'm stuck.

I wish I didn't have dead babies, this is not fun.

Lord, please help me make it through the next few weeks without falling apart either physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Friday, August 26, 2011

What An Odd Feeling..

...we had a neighbor that adopted a baby boy a couple years ago from a family member of hers.
She told me a couple months ago that the same family members were about to put up another baby for adoption.
I called her on Wednesday to ask her if they would consider me for placement of the baby girl, but she didn't answer her phone.
Last night, our other neighbors on the other side had a stork and balloons in their yard...they have no children of their own and have been wanting kids for over a decade.
I put two and two together, and it was confirmed this morning when I finally got my other neighbor on the phone. She said she didn't know we had lost our baby last week, and when she was making her decision she thought I was still pregnant...plus, she said our other neighbors have NO children whatsoever and at least Rusty and I have kids even if its not with each other.
I am so happy for my neighbors because they are such a loving couple and have been wanting kids for so long. I am also trying hard not to feel sorry for myself because I have no right to be upset...that baby was not meant for me, that baby was meant for them.

God is sending my husband's teenage son back to us from TX...he doesn't like the school down there and wants to come home. This is a HUGE blessing for my husband. HUGE. We have to come up with money for the lawyer to draw up the new custody and child support papers and I have to remind myself that if God had given us that baby, we would be running around using that money to get a lawyer to do the adoption paperwork (my neighbors had to have it all done very quickly, they said it was a very hectic situation) and we wouldn't have been able to focus on my husband's son.

That baby was a blessing meant for our neighbors, not for us. That baby was the answer to their prayers, and my husband's son coming home is an answer to our prayers.

I hope God understands if I am still just a tiny bit disappointed that wasn't my baby...but I believe that He will resolve this whole baby desire issue for me in His time and in His way...look at my neighbors...they have prayed for a baby for over a decade and then all of a sudden in less than 48 hours they got a baby!!

Please God, help me to keep things in perspective and be grateful for the blessings I have been given.
Thank you so much for blessing my neighbors and answering their prayers, and thank you so much for answering our prayers and sending my husband's son back...please bless their relationship and help to mend the broken pieces between them. Please help me to be a good stepmother and continue to be a good mother to my son.

And in your time, please do something about this baby-sized hole in my heart!

Amen.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hope?

At church tonight, one of my Sunday School class friends approached me about local adoption options.

I have to admit, the sliver of hope she provided was enough to put a little joy back into my heart.

My husband and I have a lot of grieving to do, obviously, and no one can ever replace any of our babies.

But I think after we have healed that we could definitely make room in our hearts for another baby....we have so much love to give and my husband and I are such a good team.

God, even if this isn't your plan for us either, thank you for the hope. That was a pretty quick response to a plea...thank you.

Is This Really The End?

Is this really the end of my childbearing years? What a tough pill to swallow.

Yesterday, the doctor told me that it was definitely a cord compression that killed baby Scarlett, and that in any other case he would say that cord accidents are not likely to happen again and to go ahead and try for another baby. But in our case, with 4 fetal demises in less than 2 years, he is pretty sure (and we have suspected this) that Rusty and I both carry some recessive gene for a fatal chromosome abnormality. This makes sense, since we were told that Jimmy had an unknown chromosome abnormality and he looked just like Rusty's sister who has something unknown, but much like down syndrome. This would mean that Becca's premature birth and subsequent death was most likely not the result of an incompetent cervix after all, but most likely it was caused by whatever chromosome abnormality we have that caused premature labor.

The doctor said we could have genetic counseling done, if our insurance will pay for it, but all that will do would be to hopefully give us a name of whatever gene problem we have...it won't make us magically be able to have babies together. We might even get some odds from the geneticist, but so far we are 0 for 4....which is something else the doctor said. He said we could just play the odds game and keep trying for a living baby. He said one couple he knows with a similar problem had a healthy baby and then 6 losses before they had another healthy baby. Somehow, I don't think my husband would go for that....I would, but I'm crazy, so what do I know?? I could just as easily wind up with several more dead babies and the odds of us getting a living child might as well be one in a million...we gave it 4 tries, and we lost 4 times. Why on earth would the fifth or sixth or seventh be any different?
The only other option the doctor gave us would be to seek other spouses who were genetically compatible, but I don't think trading in my husband for a baby is really an option.

Barring a true miracle, a true act of God...for all intents and purposes my husband and I are officially genetically incompatible and unable to create a precious, healthy little being together that would get to stay with us.

That is so monumentally emotionally charged that I can't even begin to process it.


My son, Taylor, changed my life when he was born....I couldn't wait to have more babies...I worked my tail off, pushing myself to the limits, on the verge of giving up many times, and overcame HUGE obstacles to get through 5 years of college as a single parent so that once I had that degree I could finally pursue marriage and children...And then all that hoping and praying to meet the right man to marry and HAVE BABIES. I never married Taylor's dad, and I always felt bad that I was not able to give my son that complete family life...I dreamed of getting married, having babies with my husband, and having a beautiful, FULL, and complete family...I couldn't wait for Taylor to get to be a part of that and to have siblings and for me to have finally "done it right."

And now, after waiting my whole life to get married, finding the man I prayed for, and having my first, last, and only marriage and lifetime commitment....I also find that the second thing I have prayed for my whole life is not possible within this marriage??

I'm going to sit here and just watch the last of my childbearing years just slip away??

Aside from God, who has totally carried me through everything....the hope of future healthy babies is what has made this whole journey over the past two years bearable. The hope of a living baby has helped assuage the grief of the sweet babies that we buried. The hope was always there, and now it is gone. My biggest coping mechanism, HOPE, is gone. Where do I go from here, God? I need you!!!!

Lord, please help me cope with this. I don't understand, and it's really painful.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Time To Move On. Already?

Well, this definitely doesn't feel like our other losses. Surprise your baby is dead on Tuesday and born a few hours later, buried privately the next day, and almost a week later, starting to get "back to normal" already.
I have my post-partum check-up tomorrow, and I will be asking the doctor's opinion on what, if anything, we could do to have a living baby...I'd like to do whatever I can and wait a year and try again. I'm just not ready to face the reality of no living babies.
For now, I need to get on with my life for the sake of my sanity and for my husband and our kids.
So, after my appointment tomorrow I am going to apply for a job as a server at a local restaurant. (I know I have a college degree but there just are not any jobs around here and there is a good chance I can work lunches only which shouldn't interfere with the time needed to help my son with his homework in the evenings and me cooking dinner and spending time with my family.)
Maybe by next week I'll be working again. I also signed up to help out at church on Wednesday nights and I'll probably rejoin the choir and maybe even get back on my little side gigs making $50 a month playing guitar and singing locally.
Rusty and I had our first Financial class at church yesterday (2 hours every Sunday for 10 weeks) and I really feel like this is a great opportunity for us...we have both been super close the past week and still managed to get our homework done in preparation for this class. I think our marriage is going to be just fine.

Aside from a little bleeding, like a period disappearing, I'm physically fine and even wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes. I didn't have to deal with breast engorgement this time around either, thank God, although my breasts are a little heavier and fuller and do have some milk...I'm fairly certain it will all be gone within a few days.

We got one sympathy card in the mail, from a friend in Texas. We've had a couple of people give us a hug at church. But for the most part, it's like it never happened....no funeral, no flowers, no cards, no phone calls, no flock of sympathetic people hugging us to death at church.

I'd like to say I was upset about that, but really...I just want to move on. I want this to be over. I don't want anymore reminders that I won't be having a baby any time soon, or possibly never.


I just want to not have to be sad.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Anniversary & Family Time

Rusty and I have our 2 year anniversary on Monday, but we celebrated this weekend. A dear friend gave us a gift card and we went out to dinner and a movie.
You know what? It felt REALLY good! I bought a cheap (yet sexy!) shirt and accessories and got all dressed up, blew-dry my hair, put on make-up and heels, even a push-up bra...stuff I haven't done in a very long time.
It felt so nice to have a romantic evening with my husband...it really helps to know that we have each other and our lives are not over with the death of our children, even though it's heartbreaking....Lord willing, we may have 40 or 50 more years with each other and maybe these first 2 years will seem so...well, different and not so all-consuming after so many years together.

Part of me wants to just move on with our lives together, and another part of me is just so not ready to give up on trying again. Clearly, I must be insane.

God, please guide our hearts and our minds in the right direction.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Scarlett, you were beautiful...




...it was hard for me to see...I wanted so much for you to be born full-term and fully developed. It was such a shock to see how far you had yet to grow...I'm so sorry I didn't hold you longer, and I'm so sorry I didn't kiss your forehead and sing to you...I was in shock. I know you were gone already in heaven, but please forgive me for not seeing your beauty right away.
I love you and I miss you with all my heart.

Love,

Mommy




I'm Angry

I'm angry.
Just angry.

Packing up maternity clothes and baby things. Alone. Why do I have to do this alone?


I don't want to do this alone.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Gone With The Wind




Yesterday morning I was pregnant and full of fear and anxiety about going into surgery...I was afraid of losing the baby due to complications of the procedure and I was afraid of the surgery itself, but mostly scared that I would lose the baby.
As I was getting prepped for surgery, had my IV in and everything, the nurse did I routine check for fetal heart tones. She couldn't find any. The doctor came in and couldn't find any with the doppler either. A third nurse tried unsuccessfully to find the heartbeat while the doctor sat on the bedside waiting for the portable ultrasound machine to warm up.
And then we saw her...tiny little baby on the screen and I kept hoping for movement, holding my breath looking for a kick or a wiggle like last week when I had an ultrasound and the doctor and the tech and I rejoiced because everything looked perfect.
But there was no movement, and there was no heartbeat.
I remember saying "Shit! Oh Shit not again!"
I was induced right away with an oral medicine and vaginal suppository since at 15 and a half weeks, according to the doctor "the pitocin receptors aren't developed yet" so I had that dose, which didn't do too much but cause a tiny bit of fullness feeling down there. The second dose, four hours later worked rather quickly. I didn't have contractions like I would in a full-term delivery, it was just a constant pain with no breaks in between. But I welcomed the pain...I didn't even want tylenol. The only thing in my IV was that saline solution stuff.
When the pain and pressure became excruciating, I had the nurse go get the doctor...he didn't come for 20 minutes and in the meantime I asked if it was too late for an epidural, even though I knew it was. I didn't really want an epidural, I wanted to deliver the baby but I was tired of waiting on the doctor and the pain was becoming unbearable. I didn't cry and I didn't yell, I just gripped the side of the bed and told my husband that it hurt. I knew what my body was doing and I totally cooperated.
The doctor finally came in and I was ready to push. He reached in, told me to push, I cried out and then it was over.
It was over.
Over.
Over.
Over.
My body was instantly free of pain and I was in shock. I managed to snap a photo of the doctor holding my tiny little baby, still attached to the placenta. He showed me part of her umbilical cord, which looked as thin as a string in that section, and told me it looked like a cord compression. He told me there wasn't anything I could have done, and that other than the cord, she looked perfectly formed for her gestational age. He left and the nurse took the baby and brought her back.
She didn't look anything like Jimmy or Becca. She had perfect hands and feet and I could even see her tiny little fingernails! But she was all red, shiny, and squishy. She wasn't fully cooked...she was a "raw" baby. I saw all of the parts of her that had formed and saw that she had a long ways to go...she had one eye half open, bless her little heart, and her little ears were perfectly formed but just so tiny on her head...her skin had not formed yet. I saw the red veins in her little legs, and when I opened her mouth with my finger, I saw the beginnings of the tiniest lips and teeth I had ever seen in my life. And then I cried.
We took pictures, but we didn't have a real camera, just iPhones, so I don't know how well they came out...part of me is ok with that, because she just wasn't formed yet and I want to protect her...I don't want anyone to see the photos but me and my husband...she was our baby, no matter what she looked like.
In the photo in this post, I am holding me sweet little angel, I just have her covered up and protected.

I'm so confused and lost in this...I don't feel the deep, deep despair that I felt with Jimmy, and I don't feel quite the grief that I did with Becca either. I know part of it is shock, but another part knows that God will get us through this, just like he has every other time.

I'm really sad and hurt. Not just for losing this baby, but because I'm not quite sure how to grieve this baby...I have different feelings since it was so early and I wasn't as attached and she didn't look as much like a baby as Jimmy and Becca...I hadn't gotten to bond with her yet. I don't know how to feel. Just sad and confused.

The hardest part is this was our last attempt....there is no way that 4 baby deaths in 2 years can be a coincidence...there has got to be something wrong with either me or my husband or our compatibility. We do not have the resources either financially or emotionally to try and figure it out...he is almost 40, I'm 31, he is struggling to maintain a relationship with his 10 and 14 year old who just moved 8 hours away with their mother, and I have a 9 year old son who needs me to be fully present. As hard as my husband and I have had it, our children have struggled through a blended family and the loss of several of their siblings. They hurt too, and we can't do this to them again.

Somehow, we have to say goodbye to the idea of us ever having a baby, because it is just not going to happen and that breaks our hearts...we both wanted to give each other the gift of a living baby so badly....it hurts us both that we cannot give that to each other.

We have to focus on our family as it is, and our marriage....Monday will be our 2 year anniversary...I was pregnant with Jimmy on our wedding day, I was pregnant with Becca on our 1 year anniversary...and now....now.

God grant us peace and strength please.

I have to go to the funeral home now and make arrangements...we want her buried in between Jimmy and Becca, but we don't want a funeral. Rusty and I have just kept this so private this time, we didn't have anyone in the hospital and didn't tell anyone until Scarlett was born. (Well, we called and told the kids first.) I think its good for our marriage to keep this so close to our hearts.

Monday, August 15, 2011

When I was a kid...

...I wanted to be a hero some day.

After a traumatic childhood that warrants writing a novel (but I'm too lazy!), turns out I was pretty much beat down and cowardly...playing the victim seemed to be a role I was stuck in over and over until I went through years of therapy.

Now, after everything I've been through in life, and especially losing my babies, I sometimes feel like it takes heroic actions just to get through normal everyday things.

I don't suppose I'll ever get to be a hero like Mother Teresa or Joan of Arc like I daydreamed when I was a little girl, but that doesn't mean that I can't be an inspiration...and it doesn't mean that I won't have to be a hero in my own life...facing surgery tomorrow, seems like I'll need some of that courage I thought I had when I was a girl.

Maybe, God will give me a living baby this go 'round, and then I will get to feel like all of these things I suffered through the past couple of years were just heroic actions leading to getting my daughter here....

Off to my pre-op, and then surgery tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Surgery?

Today, at 14 weeks and 4 days, I found out what gender the baby is. I also found out that if I'm going to get a preventative cerclage, I need to have it done within a week.

This is tough because there is a risk, small though it may be, of losing the pregnancy with this procedure. We don't know if losing Becca was because my cervix gave out, because I had a hole/small tear in the amniotic sac that led to preterm labor, or for some other cause.

We could always take the wait and see approach, which would be excellent if it turns out I don't have an incompetent cervix and I could just breeze through the rest of this pregnancy.
However, if I actually do have a cervical competency issue, by the time it became a problem (4 to 6 weeks from now when the baby's weight puts pressure on the cervix), I could dilate too quickly and lose the baby before we could do anything about it.

Looks like I may be having outpatient surgery next week.

I'm terrified, really, but I'm just praying that God has this under control and I pray that we are doing the right thing.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Why is it...

...that its like pulling teeth to get me to update this blog? I have belly pictures and sonogram pictures, but I just can't bring myself to post them.
I got SO attached to Becca through this blog...I guess I'm in some sort of protective denial...like if I don't acknowledge this pregnancy publicly, then I can pretend its not really happening and then if I lose this baby too maybe I won't be as sad as I was with Jimmy and Becca?
I haven't announced it on facebook even and I'm already 12 weeks. I haven't bought a single baby item yet, not even a travel-size baby lotion.
The ultrasound pics are strewn on my dresser or in my purse, and the couple of belly pics I've taken are hidden in my camera and not posted anywhere.

What's my deal?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Almost 11 Weeks Already?

Will wonders never cease....I woke up today and I'm still pregnant! Just like yesterday and the day before and the day before that....

One day at a time.

Today I am 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Still Not Quite Sure...

Still not quite sure what to make of this whole new pregnancy thing.

My mornings start off with me waking up around 6 or so and I lay in bed with my eyes closed trying to simultaneously go back to sleep and ignore the incredible urge to get up and pee at the same time...the bathroom wins every time. Some nights I get up at 4am to pee and again at 6...pretty sure thats only going to get worse.
After my husband goes to work, I eat breakfast which is my biggest meal of the day right now (really my only meal...the rest are just snacks) because starting about 10:30 the morning sickness starts creeping in and steadily gets worse until it reaches its peak around 6-7pm, at which point I take my anti-puking meds and wait for bedtime...most of the time I don't make it and I fall asleep around 7-8, which is a total relief because I am soooooo sick by then I really don't want to be awake anyway.

Physical symptoms aside, I'm just kind of taking this one day at a time. I mean, everytime I go to the bathroom I say a little prayer before I pull down my undies and check to make sure the baby hasn't fallen out or I'm not hemorraging or something and just didn't notice it...some people have their quiet time with God early in the morning, some people read their bible before bed, some people kneel by their beds to commune with Jesus in prayer....me? I have my quiet prayer time with God every time I go to the bathroom, which, since I am pregnant, is several times a day! So, that is a good thing I suppose.

I try not to daydream too much, and it kind of saddens me a bit to see that I have learned how to dissociate myself somewhat this time...so far, every time something dreamy and babylike pops into my head, I sort of mentally squash it with "Its very early in the pregnancy, anything could happen, for all I know the baby has already stopped growing and at my next appointment I need to be prepared for seeing that the heartbeat has stopped. And even if it hasn't stopped, it's still early and the NEXT time after that, I need to be prepared because the baby could die then..."

Really, I don't know how to stop this. Maybe I'm not supposed to...it does seem to make sense that I would not get too carried away with this pregnancy at least until I start feeling some movement or something.

It's just tough...I really want to be carefree and happy and joyful and innocent, but at the same time I want to be realistic and not set myself up for heartbreak again.

I'm just waiting for the time to pass....hopefully it will pass quickly and I can start feeling better and focusing on things like fixing up the house, unpacking, putting things in their places, having a yard sale, etc.
I just feel the need to ensure that my life does NOT revolve around this pregnancy, so that if I do lose this baby, that I will still have a life to fall back on and not be utterly devastated.

Of course, I canceled my gig at Profett's Porch yesterday for Saturday....I felt terrible about it, but I have been soooooo ill in the evenings that the idea of being in front of a bunch of people performing outdoors in 90 degree weather while trying not to blow chunks...well, lets just say that it doesn't seem like a good idea. But I had a dream last night about it and I wanted to sing sooooooo bad!!!!
Trying so hard to be practical though.....I've come to terms with Jimmy's death and it not being my fault, but with Becca it is hard to ignore the softball games, the tree-climbing, the picking up heavy objects constantly (including carrying my son to the top of a hill when he broke his nose), the walking 2 or 3 miles a day...it all adds up in my mind and I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize this baby. As such, being out in the heat (a no-no for early pregnancy as a prolonged rise in body temperature is associated with birth defects in the fetus) and not feeling well doesn't seem like the smartest idea...or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel less guilty for not going? I don't know.

Too much rambling today....so many thoughts!

I wonder if I'll miscarry or make it to the second trimester? I wonder if I'll get to feel movement and what will that be like to form a bond with yet ANOTHER baby? What if we lose this one too? I can't imagine holding a THIRD dead child in my arms. What if everything goes smoothly with no complications and we get a living and healthy baby like normal people do??? Is it odd that that last statement seems like the most unrealistic out of all the others?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ahhh The Hormones and Crazy Dreams...

...yeah...it's good to be pregnant and at the mercy of my hormones and emotions again...ha!

Had a night full of crazy dreams last night.

One of many was me seeing my Grandpa Ryan. I haven't seen him since I was a kid...he passed away years ago. When I was a little girl he used to sing this old folk song to me: "K-k-k Katie, beautiful Katie, you're the only one that I-i-i adore...when the m-m-m-moon shines, over the cow shed, I'll be waiting at the k-k-k-kitchen door!"
And in my dream he was very very old and wrinkled and laying down and I bent over to kiss his wrinkled old check and he softly sang: "K-K-K-Kaaaatie..."
And now I'm sitting here at the computer, crying, tears running down my face, my heart all heavy and sad because I miss my grandpa. That died like 15 years ago.

What the heck.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Houston..We Have A Heartbeat!



I was so preparing myself for there to be no baby...but there it was, measuring 6w2d (right EXACTLY on target!) and a heartbeat at about 111bpm.

My doctor reminded me that we're not out of the woods yet...but he said at least we are IN the woods!

I'm not really sure how I feel...kind of in shock a little maybe? I've been having lots of symptoms and the fatigue and morning sickness have all been reminders that this little life is growing inside of me...but it still hasn't quite "hit" me yet.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

High HCG Levels?

So, my hcg results came back from 5 weeks 4 days, and they were at 41,000. Since we only saw one gestational sac, I'm assuming that there are not twins in there....but 41,000 is pretty high and numbers you would normally see during the middle of week 6.
It is possible that I ovulated earlier than I thought and I am actually a few days ahead, especially since the gestational sac was measuring ahead as well, but if that is true....then why was there nothing in the gestational sac?

So now I'm worried, naturally. I go back in on Monday to for another ultrasound and to get the results of my second round of bloodwork to see if my hcg has risen and if so, by how much.

I hope there is a baby and a heartbeat by Monday, but it's so hard to not be pessimistic and prepare myself for the worst....I may go in on Monday and they see no baby and diagnose it as a non-viable pregnancy.

It's so hard to be hopeful at this point, because after so many losses, trying to be optimistic just seems like I'm setting myself up for heartache, and why would I want to do that? I don't want to give myself false hopes again, do I? Why shouldn't I just prepare for and expect the absolute worst so that I won't be caught off guard having allowed myself to dream and hope?

After giving birth to two babies within one year who died, and miscarrying another in between...it's just hard not to focus on what is/could be wrong this time around.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My First Doctor's Appointment

(Copying and pasting from my pregnancy-after-loss board because I am lazy!!)



After filling out the required initial paperwork, the very first thing they did was send me in the back with a tech for an U/S. (Love them already, haha!) She did a trans-vag U/S and saw a gestational sac measuring a little over 5 and a half weeks. (I am supposed to be 5w 4 days and she said it was bigger but didn't say by how much).

Nothing in the gestational sac yet, but the doctor assured me that was normal and as I recall, I didn't see anything in Becca's sac until 7 weeks or so. Also, I forgot to ask, but I was told by my last doctor that I have a tilted uterus so I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

He did a review of my history and our losses and told me that it is still a very real possibilty that my husband and I have genetical incompatabilities. *bummer!* Jimmy we know had a chromosome defect which could have been genetic, (my husband has a *special* sister with an unknown down-syndrome-like chromosome thing), our miscarriage could have been a chromosome defect, and he said that even Becca could have had a chromosome defect as well that could have triggered pre-term labor.

We just don't know yet.

The plan is for him to get all of Becca's test results and my medical information from the hospital that she was born in and see if they found anything.

For now, he ordered my HCG levels drawn today and again on Friday for comparison, and then another ultrasound on Monday so we can see if this is going to be a viable pregnancy or not.

IF this is a viable pregnancy, then he will do weekly cervical checks, but we are not going to do a prophylactic cerclage as there is debate right now as to whether Becca's birth was actually a true incompetent cervix, or pre-term labor caused by an infection or a genetic anomaly.

Further on, if my cervix shows any signs of danger, we'll do a cerclage. He also intends to do all the genetic testing, including amniocentisis (*EEP! Dislikedislikedislike!*) and thorough scans of the baby's organs, etc.

I also feel that he is receptive to an early delivery (IF WE MAKE IT THAT FAR!) because my history with Taylor & Jimmy both indicate that I could have a placental insufficiency problem as well, although he said that the baby aspirin I am taking now (that I was NOT taking with Taylor or Jimmy) will help the placenta work a lot more efficiently.



So, bottom line is no news yet but we have a plan in place and that is somewhat comforting. Now we just have to kick back and chill and see if anything grows in this little gestational apartment down there!

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Cat Was Right!


Soooo....the cat was right! I've gotten 3 very clear positive results from home pregnancy tests.
According to my calculations I'm right around 4 weeks, which would make the conception date Friday the 13th of May...my birthday, hahaha! Happy Birthday to me?
(How strange...one of my children died on a Friday the 13th and now another was conceived on a Friday the 13th.)
The estimated due date would be February 4, 2012 which is the day after Taylor's birthday and less than two weeks from Becca's original due date!
This is the third pregnancy that I've conceived in May!
Wow...this is my FIFTH pregnancy!
My thoughts are sort of all over the place right now, I guess this is kind of a shock, even though we were sort of trying for it...I don't think we fully realized the possibility of getting pregnant the very first month that we were only sorta trying.

The first real conversation that my husband and I had regarding this new pregnancy was about the funeral plans...we both agreed if this baby dies like the others that we will not have a big funeral like with Jimmy and Becca and we will just have him/her cremated. After that, Rusty will get snipped and we will be finished trying to have biological children.

Sad that had to be our first conversation after a positive pregnancy test, but after all we've been through in the past couple of years, we really need to know that we have our plans in place and agree on everything up front.

I hope beyond hope that this is our forever baby and that God will bless us with a living child that we get to raise for many years to come.

Please, God?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Feline Pregnancy Test?

So, the past two nights my cat has been sleeping on my head. She hasn't wanted to sleep in the bed with me since I was pregnant with Becca and shortly thereafter. She's a wild, but sweet kitty, and spends almost all of the time outside. She only comes in periodically to eat and be petted once in a while.
We have noticed however, that she tends to come inside and linger and be overtly friendly when I'm pregnant, and when she senses something is wrong...we joke around when she comes inside that something bad must be about to happen since she is already trying to comfort us.
So, this time, we are joking around about our little 'FPT' and having fun with the idea that maybe I'm pregnant and the cat already knows, hahaha!!

It's a sweet little bit of humor....even funnier if it turns out to be true! :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

3dpo

So...3dpo and I'm wishing I had a companion...After Jimmy died, I joined a TTC after loss board and made some very good friends. It was amazing when we ALL got pregnant the same month and joined the same Pregnancy board!
It was tough when one of my companions lost her rainbow baby and then shortly after her I lost mine too....it was even tougher watching the other two ladies go on to have happy and successful bouncing babies. It hurt.
Now the friend who had the loss the same time I did is over half-way through her next pregnancy, and everything looks good which is AWESOME for her! I do not begrudge her this baby in any way, shape, or form, I just wish I was on the same walk as her. I miss going through this together, and if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will be bittersweet in many ways, but especially since I will be going it alone this time without my angel mommy sisters to walk with me.

So, ttc again, and not a soul to talk to about it at the moment.

Hopefully I'll find someone to walk with soon. :)

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Starting To Plan...Again.

Just called a new doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for June. This is a doctor I don't know, but comes highly recommended by friends who have had losses before...Dr.O is a high-risk specialist, and I want to have a pre-conception assessment/consultation done before we get pregnant again.

Not sure why, but the whole time I was on the phone making my appointment, I had a lump in my throat and my eyes were burning.

When I got off the phone, I had to cry for a few minutes.

I'm really not sure why.

?

That's odd for me to be at a loss...usually I understand my own emotions very well. Wish I had some insight on this one, I'm a little confused.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Letter From Jimmy & Becca


My husband gave me a letter for Mother's Day along with a card that was from the babies....he transcribed a *dream* that he had had a couple of days earlier, right before the puppies woke him up at 4am to be let out to pee.
(Note: Nevada is the sweet puppy that we bought right after Becca died to fill our empty arms...Nevada died in our arms less than two months after we got her and Rusty and I comforted ourselves with the idea that our babies in heaven wanted a puppy. Also mentioned in this letter is an apple tree...I was SO carefree and happy during my pregnancy with Becca that I climbed an apple tree with the rest of the kids. The doctor told me that climbing trees while pregnant was not what caused me to lose my daughter, but it still weighs heavily on me sometimes...I even wrote a song about it.)

Here it is! My letter from the babies...made me laugh and cry at the same time:


Latest conversation with the kids…


Jimmy & Becca - DADDY!!! WAKE UPPPPPPPPP! DADDYDADDYDADDYDADDYDADDY!!

Dad - *grumblegrumble* whattttttttttttttttt!?!? I was sleeping…..

Jimmy & Becca - Daddy! We have to tell you sumptin! It’s for mommie!!

Dad - Ugh…good Lord…fine…it better be good…

Jimmy - It’s mommy day dis Sunday! YAY!!!! She needs to know we love her! You got her the card right? Right daddy? The card?

Becca - Yay card!

Dad - Ummm…yeah…I ummm…yeah…the card…

Jimmy - Daddy…did you forget agin??? You member what happened last year?

Becca - MEMBER???!?!

Dad - Yeah…I do…I was in the dog house…

Becca - HAHA…WOOF WOOF..Daddy was in the dog house…just like Nevada! Hey Nevada! Daddy was in duh dog house! HAHAH

Nevada - *AWOOOOOOOOOOOO*

Becca - Nevada laughed Daddy.

Dad - *grumble*

Jimmy - Inway daddy…tell mommie we love her and we miss her and to please stop crying. We wish we could be wid her but heaven is so much fun! It’s like ice cream and playgrounds all the time! Tell her she was SUCH a good mommie to us even if we didn’t get to hug and kiss on her. We felt such love and caring when we was in her belly.

Becca - I member climbing a tree!!! It was fun!

Dad - Yes Becca but that was dangerous…

Becca - I don’t care! It was fun!!!! APPLETREE! APPLETREE! APPLETREE!

Jimmy - Be quiet Becca! You make too much noise!

Becca - No I dont!

Jimmy - Do too!

Becca - DO NOT!

Jimmy - DO TOO!!

Dad - CHILDREN!!!! That’s enough. Do you have anything else you want me to tell your mother?

Becca - *sticks out tounge*

Jimmy - DAD!! Becca stuck out her tounge at me!

Dad - *rolls eyes*

Dad - Focus children…I’m about to wake up for real…the new puppies we have need to use the bathroom.

Nevada - *AWOOOOOO!!!*

Becca - Nevada is laughing at you agin daddy.

Jimmy - Inway daddy…we love you too but dis is mommies day…give her a big hug and a big kiss for us. Tell her I’m taking care of Becca cause she is so little. I miss her so much daddy.

Becca - ME TOO!

Dad - OK kids…I love you…

Jimmy & Becca - BYE DADDY! TALK TO YOU LATER!! HAPPY MOMMYS DAY MOMMY!!!!!!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Marital Bliss?

We have had a wonderful week. Absolutely wonderful. :)

Thank you, God.

I am a very happy woman right now. Rusty did something very sweet for me on Friday for Mother's Day by giving me a trail of presents and at the end a letter from Jimmy and Becca (my husband transcribed a *dream* he had from them) that was so sweet I laughed and cried...it was such a beautiful and touching and healing moment for me.

Lots of other stuff going on that contributes to this feeling of wellbeing...played a gig at Market Street, we have a friendly and fun houseguest for the week, we are looking forward to a whole summer with the kids and getting to move into our new house next month...just a lot of things.

And it would appear as well that my husband has decided to once again just let God do his thing...we're not planning nor are we preventing. We're not trying, we're just...letting it be. And that feels so good. :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Daydreaming

Maybe I'll wait two years after Becca's death (and 3 years after Jimmy's) to try and get pregnant again so I can still heal.

Maybe I'll have 3 babies back to back and one will be a set of twins. Hah! To go from losing 3 babies in one year to maybe having 5 babies in 3 years? I wonder what that would be like?

Really, though, I'd be blessed beyond believe just to have one.

Six more months until we can try again.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Becca's Medical Records

A lot has happened in the past week or so...car wreck, tornadoes, etc. I really should comment on that, but I'm not going to. Everyone in my immediate family is ok, and this blog is really about pregnancy and loss and I'd like to keep it that way.

I just got off the phone with the hospital in Jackson where Becca was born and died. I've never gotten any of her records from them even though they took her placenta off for analysis and some bloodwork as well, I'm assuming.
When I went in to my regular doctor for my 6 week post-partum checkup, I asked him about the test results and their findings and analysis and he said they never sent him anything and I didn't really press the issue.
Now, 6 months later, I'm ready to know if they found anything and what, if any, conclusions they were able to draw about her cause of death and/or anything that may have been wrong with her.
All I really know is that she was beautiful, and perfect, and she was born too soon for some reason...I need to know if there was anything wrong with the placenta or her bloodwork that might indicate anything other than the theory that I had an incompetent cervix.
Anyway, I have to sign a medical release form, so they are mailing it to me today. Hopefully I will get it on Friday and mail it back so that I can have the results by next week.

Not sure how I feel about it...part of me hopes that they find some abnormality that could help explain Jimmy's death as well and pin this down as some genetic defect between my husband and I that caused pre-term labor and not an incompetent cervix so we could have real answers, see a geneticist, and possibly explore other options. A genetic incompatability between my husband and I might take away some of this weight and hurt that it was my body that failed her....it would also mean that I wouldn't have to get a cerclage and could carry a baby to term in the future, even if it wasn't genetically my husband's.

On the other hand, if everything comes back normal, then my husband and I can make plans to try one more time....but all the pressure will be on me again, and the praying and hoping that a cerclage would work.

I just don't know.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Morning

Got up and just put two 5lb chickens in the oven to roast for our family gathering after church.
Except I won't be going to church. I hope that is ok with you, God. I'm so sorry but I just don't want the pain right now. Awful to say, since it's not like Jesus got a choice, is it?
I just think about Jimmy on Easter...We got to the hospital on a Friday night and found out Jimmy was dead. I labored all weekend and Jimmy was born on Sunday...we held him and kissed him and said goodbye. Last year at Easter, it's all I could think about. Jesus dying on a Friday and being risen on Sunday...Jimmy's death feels like a mini-Easter. (Not trying to be blasphemous...my son was no Jesus, its just his death on a Friday and birth on Sunday feels like Easter to me...I can't explain it other than that I like to think that Jimmy went to heaven on Sunday when he was born...)
Anyway, God, please forgive me for not going to church today. My heart hurts. I'm a coward and I'm tired of hurting and crying everytime I go to church. It hurts to think about Jesus dying, and it hurts to think about not getting to be in heaven with you and all the angels and all the loved ones who left here.

I just want some peace from the pain.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Tomorrow is Easter

...and right now I'm just sad. Had Jimmy lived, he would be old enough to hunt Easter eggs. I get to spend tomorrow with my husband's family and a child who was born right around the time Jimmy was. It's like getting a glimpse of what could have been and as hard as I try to be noble about it, it hurts.
I miss Jimmy so much. I miss Becca so much.
I'm having a hard time being close to God or Jesus right now because it hurts too much...I wish Jesus would float down here in person and heal my broken heart and tell me its ok, God didn't punish me by taking away my babies and that its not because I didn't deserve them. I really need to hear that from him...maybe next weekend though. I hear he's too busy rising from the dead right now.

Aaaaaand The Crash....

Usually I don't have my tantrum until 3 days before my period starts. Is PMS a few days early?

Went to the only yardsale in the paper today and it wound up being at someone's house that we know who just so happened to have MIRACULOUSLY given birth in her car, by herself, on the way to the hospital...after Becca had died.
I was looking for some clothes since I hardly have anything that fits anymore, what with all the pregnancies and weight gain and subsequent loss...they had mostly baby stuff. Gobs and gobs of baby stuff...baby clothes, baby beds, baby backpacks, baby jumpers, baby toys, baby books, etc.
I bought a dog house and got out of there after making polite conversation.
Got home, and wouldn't ya know it, the dang dogs didn't want to have anything to do with the dog house. I just lost it.
I cried and ranted and wailed for an hour. Just sobbed and yelled and sobbed and sobbed some more.
For the life of me, when I get like this, I can't feel anything but incredible pain and a sense of loss and I just miss my babies SO BAD I can't think of anything else. I can't describe it any other way other than that it hurts so bad you just want to die to get away from it.

I miss my babies. I'm so scared that God won't let us try again or that we'll just wind up with another dead baby. Sometimes I just wish God would tell me what to do....somedays it seems like I am just SO CLOSE to having it all figured out and I'm moving on with my life and then days like today I just completely fall apart and feel just as awful as I did the moment I found out my babies were going to die or were already dead.

My husband just sat there and listened and held me and didn't respond in anger when I yelled and cursed and swore and ranted and tried to blame him and God and myself. In the end I just collapsed and sobbed some more.

There is nothing glamorous about grief. I don't care what they portray in the movies, grief is ugly.

My husband is so patient and unwavering in his faith...I'm blessed. Angry and broken, but blessed..he is a good man.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Looking A Gift Horse In The Mouth

The past few days I have been feeling unusually energetic and chipper. I would like to figure out what I've been doing right, so that I can do it again when I feel crummy both physically and emotionally. So....I'm going to list all the things that could be possibilities for causes of these good feelings:

1) It is the time of the month in my cycle where I am at my hormonal peak (ovulation)which almost always leaves me in a good mood for that week
2) I started taking a baby aspirin and 400mcg of folic acid everyday. (increased blood flow and production...did I have anemia?)
3) My husband's ex has put off moving away with the children for right now since she hasn't found a job...this has lifted a huge burden.
4) We have finally and officially put our house on the market and have a "plan B" to get rid of the house if it does not sell. This is a HUGE source of happy for me.
5) The HOPE of a new home and the HOPE of possibly trying again for another pregnancy in 6 months...all the planning and daydreaming for future goals are somethings that have been lacking in my life and causing me to be depressed.
6) Just bought $50 worth of cleaning supplies and scoured the house top to bottom, including waxing the floors and removing many small pieces of furniture and clutter into the attic....this makes it feel more homey and happy around here.
7) Being able to help the neighbors with their grief...I hesitate to even mention this because the loss of their precious boy is such a tragedy, but being able to help them and share with them redefines my sense of purpose and renews my hope that my own children's deaths were not in vain. Sometimes the only thing that can get us out of an emotional pit of despair and depression is the need to help others.

Hopefully next time that I am feeling down I can go back and look at this list and find something that helps.

I Wish I Was Pregnant

Today is one of those days where I wish I was pregnant. I've had a few pregnant dreams this week.
Woke up to a thunderstorm at 5am and thought about the family up the street and I remember the feeling of absolute dread of waking up every morning to face another day after my babies died. I remembered it so well, for a moment I relived the feeling. I hope that phase of their grief passes quickly for them...it's so awful.

I just would like to have a new life growing in me again...this is one of those days where I really feel like I am ready for this and I'm just really really longing for it.


But ask me again tomorrow....

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Renewed Faith

I've been struggling with my relationship with God and the idea of being in a desert as far as a faith crisis goes, is a pretty accurate description.
Yesterday and today I was privileged to be able to cry and share with a young family who just lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. My heart breaks for them...I know what kind of pain and heartache they are facing. The initial shock and trauma, the numbness, the soul-shattering feeling of loss and grief, the anger, the guilt, the lonliness, the trying to make sense of the world....and all I want to do is make it better but I can't.
But the blessing in disguise is this: Being with this young family has shown me just how far I have come in my own grief journey, and has allowed me an opportunity to be in a position to be of help...this brings meaning to Jimmy and Becca's short lives...the pain that I've been going through is able to help me help someone else.
A good friend of mine pointed out that maybe my faith crisis right now is something that God can use...sometimes when you are grieving nothing is more annoying than someone who has it all together. Perhaps sometimes people need to see that you can fall apart and lose faith and God will heal you.
I do believe that my doubts and fears and distance from God is part of my grief process and I have faith that my faith will be restored. God has time and time again used the broken people to carry his message.
Maybe my brokeness right now is a good way of reaching someone else who is broken.

I would like to have my faith and innocence back, I really would. The closeness that I felt to God when I was in the hospital with Becca was amazing. I wish I could feel like that again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Pre-Pregnancy Planning?

So...coming up on 6 months since Becca died. The doctor told us to wait at least six months, but we are going to wait at least a year. After Becca's one year Angelversary at the end of October, and after Jimmy's two year Angelversary mid-November, we can start trying again if we want to.
I have a long list of health-related things I would like to take care of first and I've gotten part of my dental work done and started taking a daily baby aspirin and folic acid again.
All of a sudden, 6 months seems like a very short period of time and I don't know whether to be excited or scared or both?
We had a full-term stillbirth, an 8 week miscarriage, and a 23 week premature birth resulting in death....what are the odds that if we try again we will wind up with a living baby? Are we ready to face another infant loss?
Strange as it sounds...I'm worried about burial plots. We took up two of my mother-in-law's burial plots to bury Jimmy and Becca. I think there are only two more...which are for my mother in law and father in law when they die maybe? What if we have another dead baby and nowhere to bury him/her? It doesn't seem right to not bury another child with the two previous siblings who have passed on.
I wish I could get a guarantee that we would be having a living child...as it is, I'm afraid we will just wind up with yet another dead baby. But the small hope of a living child makes me want to try again, as does the knowledge that even a short pregnancy is still bonding time with our baby.
Does this make me selfish? Crazy? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I'm glad we still have several months before we can try again, and sometimes I wish I could just go ahead and get pregnant and get it over with....if I'm going to lose another baby, I'd rather get it over with before I've healed all the way and then have to go through this all again.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

More Pregnancy Dreams

Had yet another pregnancy dream last night...this is starting to border on the realm of "recurring dream" territory.
I dreamed that I was pregnant and didn't believe it since I had been getting my period regularly, but I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive. Then I spent the rest of the dream looking for a doctor and preparing for a cerclage and hoping that I had made it to the doctor soon enough.
This is getting rather annoying. I'd like to stop having these dreams, please.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

No More Doom & Gloom!

Ok, I know I'm still in a grieving phase, and we have had probably one of the worst first two years of marriage EVER, but let's have a little happiness, shall we?
We can start with my attitude...attitude adjustment?
I started with cleaning the house yesterday...vacuuming the hardwood floors including corners and baseboards and under furniture, laundry, wiping down counters, cleaning sinks, washing out the kitchen trash can, dusting the tables and chairs with pledge, etc.
I have never been much of a house-keeper...arguably my biggest flaw as a human being is that I am a lazy slob. True story.
Anyway, my husband and I had one of those *real* marital "discussions" the other day and he finally let loose a few things he had been holding back for months. (Its like pulling teeth to get that man to admit he is unhappy with something.) Bottom line is that he had a good point....I may be grieving still, but being home all day while he works and pays the bills and him coming home to a messy house is really not fair to him.
That really hit home with me...I love my husband, despite our predicaments, and for him to feel unloved and unappreciated and ashamed of my lack of taking care of our home makes me feel bad. I need to get out of my feeling sorry for myself mode, press on through the anxiety and depression and anything else that gets in my way, and start small...so I blared the music yesterday and cleaned the house.
I remember a quote I heard on a commercial for that show on TLC "Buried Alive" about hoarders with ungodly cluttered and nasty homes, and the quote was something about the state of your home being indicative of your mental state.
You know, that is really true! If I look back on all the times that I decided to turn on the radio or pop in a good CD and clean my home top to bottom and organize drawers and throw away clutter and rearrange furniture...they were times in my life when I felt destressed, happy, and had a positive outlook on life.
So, if I only clean when I'm already happy and feeling good and when I'm depressed I live like a pig and keep everything filthy, and if your housing state is your mental state....wouldn't it seem logical that I could perhaps help myself get out of a mental funk by keeping my house clean? Even when I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to?
Let's see how that goes. I have very good motivation right now because my husband needs me with all the stuff going on with his ex-wife and kids right now. My season of being selfish and grieving is over...its not my turn anymore. My husband has given me ample time and leeway to grieve and he has done very little complaining. Now it's time to focus on the family situation at hand and start picking myself back up...I know I can't just become the person that I used to be overnight...but I need to step up this healing process because my family needs me right now.

Let's see if I can make a commitment to keeping my home clean and free of clutter and pray that it has the same effect on my mental and emotional state.

I feel lighter since the other day when I completely broke down and grieved for Becca so harshly...I put all the rest of the baby stuff in the attic that I had out in my room...the stuffed animal I had with her in the hospital, her memory box from the NICU, her photos and the ultrasounds and everything else. All in the attic. I miss my babies so much, but its been almost 6 months now since Becca died and it's been a year and a half since Jimmy died.
It's ok for me to be sad every now and then, but it's not ok to be a wreck anymore. I was allowed my time to wallow in my grief, and now it is time to get back up and get to work.
I'm so glad I am needed...I really don't think I'd have been able to motivate myself to climb out of this hole on my own.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Losing Two More Children

My husband's ex-wife informed us yesterday that she will be moving to Texas in May and taking her two children with her....she has hired a lawyer and already begun the paperwork to change the current visitation agreement.
My husband is going to go from being a Dad who has his children in his home at least 10 days out of the month, to a Dad who sees his kids twice a year: Summer and Christmas.
This is going to kill him.
On top of her leaving and taking the children so far away that we cannot see them but twice a year, she has informed my husband that the house that she has failed to refinance and put in her name for going on 4 years now and an equity loan...she is just going to walk away from and leave my husband and I to foreclose on...we've been trying for 2 years to get a home of our own that is bigger than the 950sq ft--one bathroom we have now, and this is going to wreck our credit for a very very long time.
We met with a lawyer...the worst part? She can do this. All of this. With little to no repercussion.
With no thought for anyone but herself she is singlehandedly destroying the lives of several other people and the law sides with her. She is effectively destroying their relationship with their father...and that's apparently ok?? That's awful!

I'm just now trying to crawl out of the pit of despair after losing two babies and a miscarriage in one year...and my husband has been a rock, bless him, even though those were his babies too...he has been "ok" because he has had his two living children here to focus on and spend time with.

I am worried that when his children are taken away from him by their mother that he is going to fall apart. How can one man lose so many children in less than two years and still be alright? Especially a man like my husband, whose life revolves around his family.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

March Of Dimes...

Link to my team page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1468122

I had a picture for Jimmy last year so I figured this year I'd do Becca's pic. It was nice to get a personal phone call from the coordinator at the March of Dimes to let me know that they will be having a balloon release this year. I'm looking forward to that...a lot of angel parents have released balloons but I've not yet done one for either of my babies.
I have two friends who have joined my team this year, but I don't think either one of them is actually going to be able to make it.
My husband and my son are going with all the men in the family that day to a Braves game in Atlanta (I helped plan it and it was the only day that worked for everyone) so I won't have any family with me either.
But that's ok, because it's not about me, right?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Yelling At God...

...is something I seem to be doing a lot these days. I cry out in pain and he's the only one who knows exactly what I've been through, right?

I have spent the past 3 weeks feeling more alone than I think I have ever been in my life. I finally reached a point where I began to realize that life doesn't seem to have a whole lot of meaning outside of suffering...I have forgotten how to be happy, and the little things I used to find joy in seem like hollow and meaningless distractions to me now.
My driving force, the one thing keeping me from just giving up and dying, is the hope that I can still find another reason to live...something solid, substantial, and with a deeper meaning than just finding distractions to fill my day with and meaningless activities to get me through life.

I need something real! I need hope and I need a reason to live.....but the biggest thing so far has been the loneliness. The feeling that, while there are people who have suffered and who are suffering, there is no one who knows what *this* feels like.

Spoke to a friend on the other side of the world today who is going through this too...I cannot explain why, but for some reason, knowing that they know how this feels, EXACTLY how this feels, takes a burden and a weight off of my shoulders and gives me hope.

What a delightfully odd feeling.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Little Insight

I've been wondering why now, after 5 months, it has seemed to have gotten so much harder over the past two or three weeks? My heart has been hurting like crazy!
It was about around the 5 month mark that I got pregnant again after Jimmy...which would make one year now since I was pregnant with the baby we miscarried. But that pregnancy, even for a few weeks, brought me so much hope and joy. And less than a month after I miscarried, I was pregnant with Becca.
I think maybe my body is remembering all of this? The past couple of weeks of insane phantom pregnancy symptoms and baby kicks that aren't really there and the constant, vivid dreams of being pregnant...I even went out and bought a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Test was negative, so I guess it's just the grief and the physical memories causing me so much heartache right now.

It was easier to move forward after Jimmy's death when I got pregnant again. Now, it's been 5 months since Becca's death and not only am I not pregnant, but there is no hope of another pregnancy in the immediate future...we are taking preventative measures.
I think it's forcing me to go through a second wave of grief which is almost worse than the first.
My husband and I got into a huge argument last night over the kids and a good part of that could have been prevented if I would have kept my grief/anger out of the equation...I was not level-headed at all.
Today, I cried harder than I have cried in a very very very long time....one of those cries where you are moaning and gasping for breath in between sobs, there's tears and snot pouring down your face and you can't even wipe it away because you are spending all your energy trying to breathe and there's this wailing in pain and you are almost outside of yourself wondering if its really you making all that noise...holding onto Becca's little hat that she wore, hugging her stuffed animal, rocking back and forth and sobbing and weeping and wailing and gasping for breath as each wave of pain just slams into you like a fist punching your heart and your stomach over and over as a barrage of flashbacks attacks you as well...images of her body, the last time I felt her kick, a smile waking up to her fluttering, an image of my pregnant belly....to quote my friend Andrew who watched his six year old daughter die from cancer: "I didn't know it was possible for a human being to feel this much pain."

I've been holding it in. I miss my baby, and I miss her in a way that not a soul on this earth will ever be able to feel but me. My body misses her and I miss her body. My womb is empty, my arms ache, and I'm just broken to pieces from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and from my heart to my soul. I just miss my baby.

How amazing is that bond between a mother and her child that a mother's mind and body continues to instinctually respond with such pain at the separation?

I hope I don't have to go through another day like today. I hope all the rest of my days being sad for Becca are just little soft tears and whispers of memories and tiny tugs on my heart....today I felt ripped apart. I don't want to feel that again.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Breathing Again

Well, it's another day, which is a new day...which means it's no longer yesterday, thank God! Yesterday was terrible. I hate bad days. The term "bad day" takes on a WHOLE new meaning when you are grieving.

I quit my job yesterday, and surprisingly, the vet was very supportive. Told me he admired me and that he had never met anyone who had been through as much as I have and I was one of the most innocent and heartfelt, caring people he had ever met in his life. He also advised me to steer clear of jobs where I might have to watch people or animals suffer as my big heart would make that too stressful for me to be around constantly.

I whole-heartedly agree...part of the thing that was stressing me out so much was the notion that I had to learn to cut off some of that emotion in order to be good at the job. Not the mopping the floors part of the job, haha, but the part of the job where I assisted in surgery and he was giving abortions to cats. I held the instruments in place, tied the patient down, handed instruments, cleaned up, did what I was told...but I cried the whole time. Watching that little uterus come out with 4 or 5 little kitten lumps in it just choked me up every time....he told me I shouldn't be sad, that it was more sad for the kittens that weren't aborted and had no one to love them and died miserable deaths...I still couldn't make it "ok" in my mind or my heart. I'm such a softie.

Anyway, quitting lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders and I felt much lighter and freer all day yesterday.

But now I am still left with the questions, can I even handle a job at all? Am I so destroyed by the grief in my life that I can no longer function as a normal adult with a normal job? Is feeling like this normal? I know I've had a lot of loss in a short period of time, but is that an excuse for me to still be an emotional wreck?
What should I be doing with my life? Should I be trying to move on and look for something else, or is this an indication that I'm not ready and I should still be healing and taking time off?

I'm not sure. I wish I had some answers.

I called the University and got some information on going back to grad school, getting my Masters Degree in Spanish and teaching this fall...my husband cautioned me to think about it and make SURE that this was a good idea for me and not something that would throw me back into a ball of stress and grief.

This is one of those moments where I wish I had living parents. I'd love to talk to my mom or dad about this. Lord, I hope I'm around when my son is 30...I'd hate for him to have to go through what I'm going through. Plus, maybe I'll actually have some answers by then, hahaha!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

At What Point.....

....does this start to get better? And why, now after 5 months, is my life STILL in shambles??
I cry every day. I work a dead-end job as a janitor part-time for $7/hr because there is just nothing else. I quit my career job because Jimmy died....$20/hr with benefits and paid vacation and 401k...now not only do I not have any babies, but I have no sense of self-worth as defined by my employment. (I certainly cannot define my self-worth by my ability to have babies which is for most women the most fulfilling sense of purpose.)
As hard as I've tried, my husband and I are not getting out of this tiny house. Stuck here.
I can't go back to school because we can't afford it.
We can't have babies because my body won't allow it.
We can't adopt because we can't afford it, we can't foster because our home is not big enough.

Were it not for my only living child, my fear of pain, and my fear of eternal repurcussions, I would kill myself right now, today, this very minute.

I am SICK of being sad and miserable all the time, I am sick of crying every single day, and I am sick of grieving! (Did I mention that my son's dog that we have had for 5 years had a massive heart attack suddenly and I tried to give her CPR and she could not be rescusitated?)

They keep saying "be patient and wait on the Lord."

Lord, I've been faithful as much as humanly possible throughout all of the tragedies in my life, one after the other, since I was a baby. A BABY. And it's not getting better, it's getting worse.

What am I supposed to do? I need something to live for...a reason to live. A defining purpose....something more than just the 3 hours I get with my husband and kid staring at the TV or the computer every night.

Lord, help me, I'm losing it.