Well, this definitely doesn't feel like our other losses. Surprise your baby is dead on Tuesday and born a few hours later, buried privately the next day, and almost a week later, starting to get "back to normal" already.
I have my post-partum check-up tomorrow, and I will be asking the doctor's opinion on what, if anything, we could do to have a living baby...I'd like to do whatever I can and wait a year and try again. I'm just not ready to face the reality of no living babies.
For now, I need to get on with my life for the sake of my sanity and for my husband and our kids.
So, after my appointment tomorrow I am going to apply for a job as a server at a local restaurant. (I know I have a college degree but there just are not any jobs around here and there is a good chance I can work lunches only which shouldn't interfere with the time needed to help my son with his homework in the evenings and me cooking dinner and spending time with my family.)
Maybe by next week I'll be working again. I also signed up to help out at church on Wednesday nights and I'll probably rejoin the choir and maybe even get back on my little side gigs making $50 a month playing guitar and singing locally.
Rusty and I had our first Financial class at church yesterday (2 hours every Sunday for 10 weeks) and I really feel like this is a great opportunity for us...we have both been super close the past week and still managed to get our homework done in preparation for this class. I think our marriage is going to be just fine.
Aside from a little bleeding, like a period disappearing, I'm physically fine and even wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes. I didn't have to deal with breast engorgement this time around either, thank God, although my breasts are a little heavier and fuller and do have some milk...I'm fairly certain it will all be gone within a few days.
We got one sympathy card in the mail, from a friend in Texas. We've had a couple of people give us a hug at church. But for the most part, it's like it never happened....no funeral, no flowers, no cards, no phone calls, no flock of sympathetic people hugging us to death at church.
I'd like to say I was upset about that, but really...I just want to move on. I want this to be over. I don't want anymore reminders that I won't be having a baby any time soon, or possibly never.
I just want to not have to be sad.