Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Is This Really The End?

Is this really the end of my childbearing years? What a tough pill to swallow.

Yesterday, the doctor told me that it was definitely a cord compression that killed baby Scarlett, and that in any other case he would say that cord accidents are not likely to happen again and to go ahead and try for another baby. But in our case, with 4 fetal demises in less than 2 years, he is pretty sure (and we have suspected this) that Rusty and I both carry some recessive gene for a fatal chromosome abnormality. This makes sense, since we were told that Jimmy had an unknown chromosome abnormality and he looked just like Rusty's sister who has something unknown, but much like down syndrome. This would mean that Becca's premature birth and subsequent death was most likely not the result of an incompetent cervix after all, but most likely it was caused by whatever chromosome abnormality we have that caused premature labor.

The doctor said we could have genetic counseling done, if our insurance will pay for it, but all that will do would be to hopefully give us a name of whatever gene problem we won't make us magically be able to have babies together. We might even get some odds from the geneticist, but so far we are 0 for 4....which is something else the doctor said. He said we could just play the odds game and keep trying for a living baby. He said one couple he knows with a similar problem had a healthy baby and then 6 losses before they had another healthy baby. Somehow, I don't think my husband would go for that....I would, but I'm crazy, so what do I know?? I could just as easily wind up with several more dead babies and the odds of us getting a living child might as well be one in a million...we gave it 4 tries, and we lost 4 times. Why on earth would the fifth or sixth or seventh be any different?
The only other option the doctor gave us would be to seek other spouses who were genetically compatible, but I don't think trading in my husband for a baby is really an option.

Barring a true miracle, a true act of God...for all intents and purposes my husband and I are officially genetically incompatible and unable to create a precious, healthy little being together that would get to stay with us.

That is so monumentally emotionally charged that I can't even begin to process it.

My son, Taylor, changed my life when he was born....I couldn't wait to have more babies...I worked my tail off, pushing myself to the limits, on the verge of giving up many times, and overcame HUGE obstacles to get through 5 years of college as a single parent so that once I had that degree I could finally pursue marriage and children...And then all that hoping and praying to meet the right man to marry and HAVE BABIES. I never married Taylor's dad, and I always felt bad that I was not able to give my son that complete family life...I dreamed of getting married, having babies with my husband, and having a beautiful, FULL, and complete family...I couldn't wait for Taylor to get to be a part of that and to have siblings and for me to have finally "done it right."

And now, after waiting my whole life to get married, finding the man I prayed for, and having my first, last, and only marriage and lifetime commitment....I also find that the second thing I have prayed for my whole life is not possible within this marriage??

I'm going to sit here and just watch the last of my childbearing years just slip away??

Aside from God, who has totally carried me through everything....the hope of future healthy babies is what has made this whole journey over the past two years bearable. The hope of a living baby has helped assuage the grief of the sweet babies that we buried. The hope was always there, and now it is gone. My biggest coping mechanism, HOPE, is gone. Where do I go from here, God? I need you!!!!

Lord, please help me cope with this. I don't understand, and it's really painful.

1 comment:

  1. God is where our strength comes from. Just keep your faith, for you know that after every valley, there is a mountain top. My cousin and his wife had the same problem but after a few test and a little help, they now have two beautiful healthy babies. I am praying for you.