This will be my third day at my waitressing job...lots of food service drama up there and a few less than desirable employees but a job is a job, even if it's minimum wage. I just need to work long enough for us to be able to pay for lawyer fees for Rusty's son and for the $200 I need to pay my debt to the university so I can get a copy of my transcript and then pay my $40 fee for my background check with the local school district so I can start substitute teaching instead of running around all day with plates of burgers and fries.
I didn't just lose a baby when Jimmy died, I lost my career as well. With Becca and Scarlett's deaths, I have now lost any hope of a future as a mom of a little girl, or any baby for that matter. I need to focus on the kids we have and our finances and it's looking pretty bleak for the moment...we just need to get over this hump and I think we will be ok. But until we get over the hump, I'm feeling kind of down.
It was 2 weeks yesterday that I lost Scarlett and 2 weeks as of today that we buried her.
I'm still bleeding from the birth and that is really keeping me from moving on emotionally...I'm sad and disheartened. Physically, the bleeding combined with the working has gotten me pretty drained...especially since I don't get to eat lunch at work...I eat breakfast and then a snack when I get home at 3pm and then dinner.
I'm so drained and exhausted and sad. I just want to have a good cry and a nice long nap so I can wake up and feel refreshed and then maybe take the dogs for a walk or clean my room or something productive but not stressful.
I don't like my job. I thought I would love it. Turns out, it was just the excitement of the prospect of having a job and getting out and making money...but this is not the job for me...but we need the money so I'm stuck.
I wish I didn't have dead babies, this is not fun.
Lord, please help me make it through the next few weeks without falling apart either physically, mentally, or emotionally.