Friday, June 17, 2011

Still Not Quite Sure...

Still not quite sure what to make of this whole new pregnancy thing.

My mornings start off with me waking up around 6 or so and I lay in bed with my eyes closed trying to simultaneously go back to sleep and ignore the incredible urge to get up and pee at the same time...the bathroom wins every time. Some nights I get up at 4am to pee and again at 6...pretty sure thats only going to get worse.
After my husband goes to work, I eat breakfast which is my biggest meal of the day right now (really my only meal...the rest are just snacks) because starting about 10:30 the morning sickness starts creeping in and steadily gets worse until it reaches its peak around 6-7pm, at which point I take my anti-puking meds and wait for bedtime...most of the time I don't make it and I fall asleep around 7-8, which is a total relief because I am soooooo sick by then I really don't want to be awake anyway.

Physical symptoms aside, I'm just kind of taking this one day at a time. I mean, everytime I go to the bathroom I say a little prayer before I pull down my undies and check to make sure the baby hasn't fallen out or I'm not hemorraging or something and just didn't notice it...some people have their quiet time with God early in the morning, some people read their bible before bed, some people kneel by their beds to commune with Jesus in I have my quiet prayer time with God every time I go to the bathroom, which, since I am pregnant, is several times a day! So, that is a good thing I suppose.

I try not to daydream too much, and it kind of saddens me a bit to see that I have learned how to dissociate myself somewhat this far, every time something dreamy and babylike pops into my head, I sort of mentally squash it with "Its very early in the pregnancy, anything could happen, for all I know the baby has already stopped growing and at my next appointment I need to be prepared for seeing that the heartbeat has stopped. And even if it hasn't stopped, it's still early and the NEXT time after that, I need to be prepared because the baby could die then..."

Really, I don't know how to stop this. Maybe I'm not supposed does seem to make sense that I would not get too carried away with this pregnancy at least until I start feeling some movement or something.

It's just tough...I really want to be carefree and happy and joyful and innocent, but at the same time I want to be realistic and not set myself up for heartbreak again.

I'm just waiting for the time to pass....hopefully it will pass quickly and I can start feeling better and focusing on things like fixing up the house, unpacking, putting things in their places, having a yard sale, etc.
I just feel the need to ensure that my life does NOT revolve around this pregnancy, so that if I do lose this baby, that I will still have a life to fall back on and not be utterly devastated.

Of course, I canceled my gig at Profett's Porch yesterday for Saturday....I felt terrible about it, but I have been soooooo ill in the evenings that the idea of being in front of a bunch of people performing outdoors in 90 degree weather while trying not to blow chunks...well, lets just say that it doesn't seem like a good idea. But I had a dream last night about it and I wanted to sing sooooooo bad!!!!
Trying so hard to be practical though.....I've come to terms with Jimmy's death and it not being my fault, but with Becca it is hard to ignore the softball games, the tree-climbing, the picking up heavy objects constantly (including carrying my son to the top of a hill when he broke his nose), the walking 2 or 3 miles a all adds up in my mind and I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize this baby. As such, being out in the heat (a no-no for early pregnancy as a prolonged rise in body temperature is associated with birth defects in the fetus) and not feeling well doesn't seem like the smartest idea...or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel less guilty for not going? I don't know.

Too much rambling many thoughts!

I wonder if I'll miscarry or make it to the second trimester? I wonder if I'll get to feel movement and what will that be like to form a bond with yet ANOTHER baby? What if we lose this one too? I can't imagine holding a THIRD dead child in my arms. What if everything goes smoothly with no complications and we get a living and healthy baby like normal people do??? Is it odd that that last statement seems like the most unrealistic out of all the others?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ahhh The Hormones and Crazy Dreams...'s good to be pregnant and at the mercy of my hormones and emotions again...ha!

Had a night full of crazy dreams last night.

One of many was me seeing my Grandpa Ryan. I haven't seen him since I was a kid...he passed away years ago. When I was a little girl he used to sing this old folk song to me: "K-k-k Katie, beautiful Katie, you're the only one that I-i-i adore...when the m-m-m-moon shines, over the cow shed, I'll be waiting at the k-k-k-kitchen door!"
And in my dream he was very very old and wrinkled and laying down and I bent over to kiss his wrinkled old check and he softly sang: "K-K-K-Kaaaatie..."
And now I'm sitting here at the computer, crying, tears running down my face, my heart all heavy and sad because I miss my grandpa. That died like 15 years ago.

What the heck.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Houston..We Have A Heartbeat!

I was so preparing myself for there to be no baby...but there it was, measuring 6w2d (right EXACTLY on target!) and a heartbeat at about 111bpm.

My doctor reminded me that we're not out of the woods yet...but he said at least we are IN the woods!

I'm not really sure how I feel...kind of in shock a little maybe? I've been having lots of symptoms and the fatigue and morning sickness have all been reminders that this little life is growing inside of me...but it still hasn't quite "hit" me yet.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

High HCG Levels?

So, my hcg results came back from 5 weeks 4 days, and they were at 41,000. Since we only saw one gestational sac, I'm assuming that there are not twins in there....but 41,000 is pretty high and numbers you would normally see during the middle of week 6.
It is possible that I ovulated earlier than I thought and I am actually a few days ahead, especially since the gestational sac was measuring ahead as well, but if that is true....then why was there nothing in the gestational sac?

So now I'm worried, naturally. I go back in on Monday to for another ultrasound and to get the results of my second round of bloodwork to see if my hcg has risen and if so, by how much.

I hope there is a baby and a heartbeat by Monday, but it's so hard to not be pessimistic and prepare myself for the worst....I may go in on Monday and they see no baby and diagnose it as a non-viable pregnancy.

It's so hard to be hopeful at this point, because after so many losses, trying to be optimistic just seems like I'm setting myself up for heartache, and why would I want to do that? I don't want to give myself false hopes again, do I? Why shouldn't I just prepare for and expect the absolute worst so that I won't be caught off guard having allowed myself to dream and hope?

After giving birth to two babies within one year who died, and miscarrying another in's just hard not to focus on what is/could be wrong this time around.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My First Doctor's Appointment

(Copying and pasting from my pregnancy-after-loss board because I am lazy!!)

After filling out the required initial paperwork, the very first thing they did was send me in the back with a tech for an U/S. (Love them already, haha!) She did a trans-vag U/S and saw a gestational sac measuring a little over 5 and a half weeks. (I am supposed to be 5w 4 days and she said it was bigger but didn't say by how much).

Nothing in the gestational sac yet, but the doctor assured me that was normal and as I recall, I didn't see anything in Becca's sac until 7 weeks or so. Also, I forgot to ask, but I was told by my last doctor that I have a tilted uterus so I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

He did a review of my history and our losses and told me that it is still a very real possibilty that my husband and I have genetical incompatabilities. *bummer!* Jimmy we know had a chromosome defect which could have been genetic, (my husband has a *special* sister with an unknown down-syndrome-like chromosome thing), our miscarriage could have been a chromosome defect, and he said that even Becca could have had a chromosome defect as well that could have triggered pre-term labor.

We just don't know yet.

The plan is for him to get all of Becca's test results and my medical information from the hospital that she was born in and see if they found anything.

For now, he ordered my HCG levels drawn today and again on Friday for comparison, and then another ultrasound on Monday so we can see if this is going to be a viable pregnancy or not.

IF this is a viable pregnancy, then he will do weekly cervical checks, but we are not going to do a prophylactic cerclage as there is debate right now as to whether Becca's birth was actually a true incompetent cervix, or pre-term labor caused by an infection or a genetic anomaly.

Further on, if my cervix shows any signs of danger, we'll do a cerclage. He also intends to do all the genetic testing, including amniocentisis (*EEP! Dislikedislikedislike!*) and thorough scans of the baby's organs, etc.

I also feel that he is receptive to an early delivery (IF WE MAKE IT THAT FAR!) because my history with Taylor & Jimmy both indicate that I could have a placental insufficiency problem as well, although he said that the baby aspirin I am taking now (that I was NOT taking with Taylor or Jimmy) will help the placenta work a lot more efficiently.

So, bottom line is no news yet but we have a plan in place and that is somewhat comforting. Now we just have to kick back and chill and see if anything grows in this little gestational apartment down there!