Friday, June 17, 2011

Still Not Quite Sure...

Still not quite sure what to make of this whole new pregnancy thing.

My mornings start off with me waking up around 6 or so and I lay in bed with my eyes closed trying to simultaneously go back to sleep and ignore the incredible urge to get up and pee at the same time...the bathroom wins every time. Some nights I get up at 4am to pee and again at 6...pretty sure thats only going to get worse.
After my husband goes to work, I eat breakfast which is my biggest meal of the day right now (really my only meal...the rest are just snacks) because starting about 10:30 the morning sickness starts creeping in and steadily gets worse until it reaches its peak around 6-7pm, at which point I take my anti-puking meds and wait for bedtime...most of the time I don't make it and I fall asleep around 7-8, which is a total relief because I am soooooo sick by then I really don't want to be awake anyway.

Physical symptoms aside, I'm just kind of taking this one day at a time. I mean, everytime I go to the bathroom I say a little prayer before I pull down my undies and check to make sure the baby hasn't fallen out or I'm not hemorraging or something and just didn't notice it...some people have their quiet time with God early in the morning, some people read their bible before bed, some people kneel by their beds to commune with Jesus in I have my quiet prayer time with God every time I go to the bathroom, which, since I am pregnant, is several times a day! So, that is a good thing I suppose.

I try not to daydream too much, and it kind of saddens me a bit to see that I have learned how to dissociate myself somewhat this far, every time something dreamy and babylike pops into my head, I sort of mentally squash it with "Its very early in the pregnancy, anything could happen, for all I know the baby has already stopped growing and at my next appointment I need to be prepared for seeing that the heartbeat has stopped. And even if it hasn't stopped, it's still early and the NEXT time after that, I need to be prepared because the baby could die then..."

Really, I don't know how to stop this. Maybe I'm not supposed does seem to make sense that I would not get too carried away with this pregnancy at least until I start feeling some movement or something.

It's just tough...I really want to be carefree and happy and joyful and innocent, but at the same time I want to be realistic and not set myself up for heartbreak again.

I'm just waiting for the time to pass....hopefully it will pass quickly and I can start feeling better and focusing on things like fixing up the house, unpacking, putting things in their places, having a yard sale, etc.
I just feel the need to ensure that my life does NOT revolve around this pregnancy, so that if I do lose this baby, that I will still have a life to fall back on and not be utterly devastated.

Of course, I canceled my gig at Profett's Porch yesterday for Saturday....I felt terrible about it, but I have been soooooo ill in the evenings that the idea of being in front of a bunch of people performing outdoors in 90 degree weather while trying not to blow chunks...well, lets just say that it doesn't seem like a good idea. But I had a dream last night about it and I wanted to sing sooooooo bad!!!!
Trying so hard to be practical though.....I've come to terms with Jimmy's death and it not being my fault, but with Becca it is hard to ignore the softball games, the tree-climbing, the picking up heavy objects constantly (including carrying my son to the top of a hill when he broke his nose), the walking 2 or 3 miles a all adds up in my mind and I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize this baby. As such, being out in the heat (a no-no for early pregnancy as a prolonged rise in body temperature is associated with birth defects in the fetus) and not feeling well doesn't seem like the smartest idea...or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel less guilty for not going? I don't know.

Too much rambling many thoughts!

I wonder if I'll miscarry or make it to the second trimester? I wonder if I'll get to feel movement and what will that be like to form a bond with yet ANOTHER baby? What if we lose this one too? I can't imagine holding a THIRD dead child in my arms. What if everything goes smoothly with no complications and we get a living and healthy baby like normal people do??? Is it odd that that last statement seems like the most unrealistic out of all the others?

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