Wednesday, December 29, 2010

RIP Nevada Rose

Dear Jimmy and Becca,

Mommy and Daddy just sent you a puppy. Take good care of her, and tell her we love her and miss her. Thinking of you always,

Love Mommy and Daddy

Monday, December 27, 2010

Our Puppy Has Parvo...

...well dangit.

Nevada, our new Siberian Husky puppy has parvo. Took her to the vet today because she was ill yesterday but today she was lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink.
She has roundworms, hookworms, parvovirus, and a secondary bacterial infection of the gastro-intestinal tract.

The vet gave her a one in four chance of survival.


He said treatment at home, in his 40 some years of experience, does not significantly alter outcome as compared to treatment at the she is on several different meds and oral electrolytes every 30 minutes.

Speaking of that...its about time to give her some more.

Lord, I get that we couldn't have babies...but, seriously, can't we at least keep a stinkin' puppy alive for pete's sake???
More for my husband than for me....he has put sooooo much love into this dog and let his guard down and opened his heart in ways that he couldn't when I was pregnant and we knew we might lose our babies.

Please don't make my husband have to go through another loss. We've been calling this dog Daddy's baby and everything. He even gets up in the middle of the night to take her out to pee. He loves this puppy like crazy!

God, please don't take my husband's puppy-daughter. Please.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Ran into some friends today...good, good, good people. We ran into each other at Old Navy where she was looking for maternity clothes but she didn't find anything...They are expecting their first child, a girl, and so I invited them over to take all my maternity and baby stuff off my hands.
I gave them everything except for a few special baby outfits that belong to Becca and Jimmy and the bassinet. Everything else went with them.
I'll probably be sad later, but right now I feel relieved and happy that all this stuff is going to such good people.
I think maybe I'll lay some more boards down in the attic in the next few weeks now that I have all that space cleared out. Maybe run an extension cord up there and create a little play area/work space.

God, I'm ready for whatever you've got in store for me...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Is this part of progress or evidence of disintegration?

Things came to a head tonight on the blended family front.
Taylor was in his room crying after I and the other kids had said some hurtful things to him. I went in there and sat down on the bed with him and he reiterated that he was unhappy because everyone in his life was mean to him. He told me I was mean to him, and I gotta admit he was right. I've been mean to him. I was just talking with Rusty about this a couple of days ago....I have been trying so hard to please everyone that it was easier for me to just go along with Rusty, Chance, and Bailey when it came to Taylor...that's not right. I should have been standing up for my son.
I'll admit, that in the beginning, I was standing up for Taylor but realized how much fighting and arguing it caused. So I just gave in and just ignored when they made snide comments, insults, and were outright mean to him including Chance picking on Taylor physically. And my husband, who outright admits he finds my son incredibly annoying but insists he likes husband never says anything to his kids about picking on Taylor and insists that Taylor is annoying on purpose, starts stuff on purpose, and in general any time Taylor is around and there is any type of disagreement or annoyance it's all Taylor's fault. My husband also insists that when Taylor cries it has nothing to do with the fact that Taylor is being picked on, its "because he's manipulating me" and actually told Taylor right in front of me that he was "onto him and knew all the games"....
So tonight, Taylor cried and told me that he was unhappy and was tired of being picked on. Myself, having just had this argument with Rusty the other night when I said I was sick of the way my son was being treated, decided to listen to my son...I promised him 3 things: 1) I would stop yelling at him, 2) I would stand up for him, and 3) I wouldn't let anyone pick on him anymore in our home. Taylor made sure to say "Mom, if its bullies at school, I'll take care of it. I don't want to be embarassed by my mom. But at home, make Chance and Bailey stop being mean to me."
We all wound up having a family meeting in Bailey's room after Taylor touched something of hers and she yelled at him and I told her "stop picking on my son." She got upset and Rusty came in and we brought Taylor in and Rusty brought Chance in and we had a family meeting of sorts about treating people fairly and not picking on people (Taylor.) I thought it went well, although I kept having to point out to Rusty that he was being sarcastic...he even looked at Chance and said something along the lines of "so, what can we do to make Taylor less annoying?" and I said, see Rusty, that has GOT to stop. Your kids take their cues from you, and that is inappropriate. Rusty apologized but he just doesn't get it...he is still conveying to his kids that it is ok to see Taylor as annoying and a second class citizen (i.e. Taylor is not as good as/well-behaved as/worthy as/whatever as he and his children are) and basically that they have to be nice to him to appease me...I'm sick of it. Rusty does not genuinely care about my child. It shows in his words and actions and when I call him on it, he says "you don't just start liking someone overnight, this whole thing won't just happen overnight" and I reminded him that it hasn't been "overnight" it's been a year and four months. A year and a half and he STILL does not like my son, is obviously distant and not nice to him. I am not waiting around for my son to be treated fairly. I can't believe I put everyone else before my own child.
Anyway, everyone went to bed and Taylor was crying because Chance won't let him have any light on and he is afraid of the dark. (Chance and Taylor share a room and usually Taylor is asleep by the time Chance comes in so Chance turns the light off when he goes to bed.) Bailey has her lamp on every night in her room, so I figure this is the opportunity for me to start standing up for Taylor, especially since Chance called Taylor a crybaby and we JUST had that conversation.... So I go in the room and turn the lamp on and Chance wants it off. I said well, it's Taylor's room too and he is afraid of the dark, why don't you put the pillow over your head or something and Chance said no and said he was going to sleep on the couch and I said no, you're going to sleep in your bed. We're not sleeping on the couches that is what we have beds for. He got angry and Rusty got out of bed and Chance told me how much he hated me, how he's not coming over here, how much he hates my personality and everything about me, etc and I said well, you don't have to like me but I live here, I make rules and you have to respect me and follow them and he said no I don't what are you gonna do about it. And I said I'm not going to stand here and have a control battle with you and he glares at me and goes "i'm standing here" and I said fine keep standing there but the lamp stays on and you're not sleeping on the couch. Rusty comes in and tells Chance "sorry, go to bed, sorry you can't turn the lamp off" (which, of course, makes it sound like Rusty sides with Chance and thinks this whole thing is ridiculous) and Chance slams the door, Rusty opens the door and raises his voice and tells Chance he can't slam the door and to lay down.

So...I partially see this as progress because at least there is honesty around here, communication, and Rusty has somewhat disciplined his kids and realized I'm serious about Taylor being treated fairly.

On the other hand, its the same ol' crap that I'm mad about...Taylor keeps getting picked on and called a crybaby...still treated like a second class citizen by his stepfather and his stepsiblings while Rusty brushes it off with "blood is thicker than water" (to explain his children's behavior that he sees nothing wrong with) and "Taylor is annoying on purpose and a crybaby"......

I've left out so much, but that's enough already. I just know that Taylor has had a LOT to deal with...we moved from Starkville, Taylor left ALL his friends his school his life his hometown and Rusty's kids lives have not changed other than someone new moving in. Taylor has had a LOT to deal with as far as adjustments go and by God he has been a trooper...and it really angers me that any time I bring that up my husband brushes that off and gets mad at me for bringing it up and says it means nothing...he REFUSES to acknowledge or have any sympathy at all for how much Taylor has gone through and sacrificed to be a part of this family.

Anyway, I'm not distracted by pregnancies anymore. I have thrown my son under the bus for far too long just so I could have peace in this house, but at what expense?? This shit is going to stop right now.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Two Quotes...

...from my husband yesterday that I want to remember.

One, when we were talking about missing the babies and he said he never gets to be upset because "Katie, you're monopolizing the grief."
It's true, I am...and he thinks that only one of us can be grieving at a time.

Two, he told me that he knows I wish I could love on the babies and he does too...he said "I know you don't have our babies to love on, and I wish you did, but I need your love too. I need you too."

My husband is a good man, even though I'm angry and full of resentment, I can see that at least.

I'd Be Lying....

....if I said I wasn't in a funk and everything was ok. Because its not. But I know this is only temporary....right?

I miss my babies, I've got no Christmas spirit, (didn't even get a tree this year...Rusty went out and bought a 2ft fake tree but all the ornaments are still in the attic), and I'm so fed up with God that I've only gone to church twice since Becca died and all of my public praising of God has ceased...not that God doesn't deserve praise, I just don't feel it anymore and I'm not into faking it right now.

My husband and I had another huge fight. We got through it, barely. For the first time in our marriage I am seriously concerned about whether we're going to make it or not. And I can honestly say I really don't think its his fault...I just still resent him for me and Taylor giving up our house, my car, and hometown and friends and everything to marry him and stay stuck in this tiny house.

I did not mind all of this as much when we were expecting babies, but after 3 dead babies and me losing my job because I couldn't handle the commute and the stress during my grief....well, I just feel like I have nothing left and I blame my husband for all of it. ALL OF IT. Because before I met him I had a great 8-5 job, a cute little home with a fenced in yard, Taylor walked two blocks to school, we had the evenings and weekends together, we walked one block to church and cubscouts....then Rusty came along and got me pregnant and now I am left with nothing that I had before AND 3 dead babies.

I thought I was adding a husband and future children to my life, but instead I traded my life for a husband. I honestly don't think it was worth it. I can't see past my grief right now, we're poor, and I have 2 step kids that don't really like me and an ex-wife that has made my life MISERABLE.

And God bless my husband, make no mistake, he is trying SO HARD to make me happy. He really is. He loves me so much. But I keep hurting him, because I am sooo angry and I resent him so much for what my life has become.

I lost EVERYTHING and more in our one year of marriage and I just feel like if I divorce him I could go back and try to put the pieces of my life back together.

But I can't go back, can I? My job is no longer there, I no longer have my car, I have no money, and running away will not change the fact that I have 3 dead children. And on top of all of that, I would have a failed marriage as well.

I just don't know what to do. Honest to God, I have no clue. I always swore I would never get divorced and that even if my husband ever cheated on me we could always try counseling or something...I imagined, and was prepared for, every scenario in my head except one.....and wouldn't ya know it, that's the one I'm in. I could find a way to fix or live with or work with every marital problem I can think of, but I never thought that all our babies would die and now that they have, my life feels so hollow and empty and the things that I had overlooked before that I had given up have gone from being things I bring up in casual arguments with my spouse to things that I'm seriously considering ending my marriage over.

After I had Taylor, I knew that I had to get a degree and a job and get married...and if I did those things I could finally have the family I'd always wanted...nothing in my entire life has brought me more joy than my son, Taylor, and I worked really hard for several years so that I could be stable and get married and experience that with 3 or 4 more children of my own.

What do you do when all your dreams are dead? If what drives us is our hopes and do you keep going when you find out that your dream has turned into a nightmare? Where do I go from here? I just want to be happy again and not hurt anymore. And if this dream has to die, so be it, but I don't want to die with it! What is my new dream?? Where do I go, what do I do, just point me in the right direction and I SWEAR I'll go!

Do I stay married and hope things get better and hope that in a year we will try again for another baby? Get a job instead of homeschooling and just force this grief on the backburner like my husband wants me to do? Get divorced and get a job and try to build my life back again? Go back to school and get my Master's degree in something? Pursue my dream of doing something with my music? (ha yeah right) Try again for a location for my thrift store?

My husband seems to think that my only problem is that I need to grow up and get a fulltime job, and get "saved" for real...he thinks that all my problems stem because I never "really and truly invited Jesus into my heart." That makes me very angry. I've struggled with my relationship with God all my life but I always pursued him...and I can't tell you how many times I was on my knees, sobbing, and begging Jesus to come into my heart...begging! Fearing that very thing my husband accused me of, and crying and praying for Jesus to come in, just in case I hadn't gotten it right the other dozens of times I'd asked.

I told my husband that maybe I just didn't believe in God anymore and that's when he said I wasn't really saved because you can't just "stop believing" once you're truly saved. I think he's naive and he doesn't know what true suffering is and that doubts and crises of faith are par for the course when you've been to hell and back. But, hey, what do I know about suffering?? Ha. Ha. Ha.

I don't know if I've stopped believing in God, but I do know that somehow, I have lost my ability to have anything even close to a "child-like faith" in God. When you are robbed of your innocence, you can't get it back. I have seen to much, felt too much, and suffered too much to ever have a child-like faith in God again. That's not to say that I can't have faith in God, I just don't see any way that I will ever again be at that place where I was when my second baby was inside of me and as I was praising God, she was ripped away from me...even as she left this earth I was still praising Him.

Something happened between her funeral and now and I don't know what it is. I wish I knew so I could fix it. I even went to my OBGYN and a psychiatrist to make sure it wasn't post-partum depression or some other form of depression. No, I'm just dealing with an unusual amount of grief given my life circumstances and losing my last surviving parent and grandparent along with 3 babies all in one 18 month period.

Unfortunately, I believe its just a matter of time and I'm just somehow going to have to be patient and wait for this pain to pass.

So, this is where I am right now. It's not a very pretty place. It's really bleak and desolate. I'd like to fix it, but I really don't know how.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Moving on is Sad

Tuning up my resume and applying for a job on a private school lined up for my only living child (the public schools here stink), and my husband and I have a whole plan for using my paycheck to pay off debt. We'd be out of debt within 2 years.
It's so tough...I was so happy being pregnant and homeschooling my son and the two other boys with him and making a little money.....looking forward to Becca being born, and finally feeling like I was going to be whole again since Jimmy died.
Now, in less than two months Becca is gone, my job is gone, the boys are gone and we didn't even get to say goodbye...why does everything come crashing down on me?
I will not be a stay at home mother. I will not be raising babies. I will not be homeschooling my son.
I will be grieving the loss of my babies and the loss of my dreams and going back to the daily depressing! If I get this job, the next year is going to suck big time....we've looked at our schedule and with getting Taylor and the stepkids to school we've got to get up at 5:45am and we wouldn't be home until 5:30ish in the evenings.
BUT...if we can just stick it out for one year....we could be out of debt and we could try for another baby again.

Oh Lord my heart is breaking! Please tell me this is the right thing to do? I don't see any alternatives, and this looks great for the future, but I need something happy in the present or I'm gonna crack.

I miss my babies so much. It really hurts.

My son keeps asking me: "Mom, am I not enough for you?" and when I try to tell him that I just want another baby, I miss the baby years, he says "So you only loved me when I was a baby?"

This is tough.
I find it easy to make it through a crisis while the tragedy is occuring...but once the dust settles, the aftermath, the monotony and the grief and the putting the pieces back together and trying to move on...THAT is what takes true courage. Anyone can grieve. Not everyone can move on.

Missing you Becca....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Closure...Of a Sort I Suppose

I should be writing more...but I hardly ever have any alone time. I feel like I should be sharing all of these thoughts and feelings, these experiences, but somehow I just can't bring myself to do it right now.
Writing for me requires great concentration and everytime I sit down to type, the puppy starts howling and whining, one of the kids needs me, the TV or video games are blaring, dinner needs cooking...its always something.
I know its a blessing to be so busy, but sometimes I really wish I could get some peace and quiet and time alone for a few hours or a day or two!

Yesterday was my six week check-up. There wasn't really any check-up, I was just put in an exam room in the very back and my doctor gave me my "official diagnosis" of an incompetent cervix.
He held me while I cried. What a good man.
I sobbed and told him I had called his office 2 weeks before I was hospitalized for it and had told the nurse that I was concerned I had an Incompetent cervix but that the symptoms could also be an infection and would she ask the doctor...she told me that if I didn't get a call, then check for a prescription. I just assumed he had gotten the message and didn't think I needed a check-up or that the incompetent cervix thing was all in my head. When I relayed this to Dr. H, he told me that all he was told was a possible infection, he never got the rest of the message. (I'm trying SO HARD, JESUS, SO HARD! to not be angry and think that if that one woman had relayed the ENTIRE message I'd have been called in for a vaginal exam and he would have caught it and given me an emergency cerclage and put me on bed rest before it was too late and I would have my baby still in my belly and my sweet Becca would not have died were it not for this ONE WOMAN and her idiotic inability to relay ONE SIMPLE MESSAGE correctly! ...and then I berate myself because I should have gone in person and demanded to be seen instead of naively trusting in a phone message...or I should have called the office back to verify instead of just picking up the prescription...BUT! My sweet baby girl is gone and nothing is going to bring her back.
And if I learned anything from losing my daughter, I learned that sometimes things are just meant to be and nothing can change that...even if the nurse had relayed the message and I had been seen and put on bed rest, the outcome would have still been the same if that was what was meant to be....*sigh* Its so hard to accept sometimes.
Dr.H just held my hands and looked into my eyes and said: "Sweetie. It looks like we dropped the ball on you. I am so very sorry." And he hugged me and I cried some more.

(Funny how with Jimmy's death he was alive at my 36 week check-up and Dr. C didn't listen to me when I told him something was wrong and 2 days later he would be so EASY to be eaten up with bitterness and anger over these two losses that could easily be blamed on other people. But I need to believe that if my baby's were meant to live, they would be here right now. Miracles happen everyday in spite of human error, ignorance, and stupidity. My babies just were not meant to be, and that is the heart of the matter. And that makes me so very sad. I think if I were to be angry and blame others or myself for my babies' deaths I would just get stuck in anger forever. Sometimes thats easier because once you get past the anger you have to deal with this incredible pain...anger is the barrier, the defense from the pain...but after the pain comes new hope, happiness, joy, and a fresh perspective on life and a new appreciation for everything in it.)

Dr.H said to wait 6 months and we could try again. That there were no connections between Jimmy's stillbirth, our 8 week miscarriage, and my incompetent cervix that caused Becca's death. No reason not to try again, no reason to think that a cerclage at 12 weeks wouldn't bring us a healthy, living baby.

Rusty and I have decided to wait a year. We need to heal. My body needs to heal, my husband needs attention, I need to invest in my marriage, and God bless our children, they've been through so much....I lay in bed with my step-daughter last night (she asked me to read her a book and then changed her mind and asked if we could talk instead) and she reminded me that she has lost 4 siblings in the past year...Jimmy, the miscarried baby, Becca, and her mother had a stillbirth at 20 weeks last August.

Like it or not, I am and will always be the source of emotional strength and wisdom for my family. They need me. So I've got to heal and help them heal before I can think about having another baby.

And you know what? I feel relieved. I feel like God has finally given me some peace about this, and I am looking forward to freedom from the past 2 years of chronic pregnancies and dead babies.

We'll see what God has in store. For now, I feel like I can let go.

I've got a lot of grief to work through, but I can let go....

Mommy loves you so much, Becca. I will always miss you and I will think of you every day, like I think of Jimmy. And because I love you so much, I will carry on with my life and I will hopefully do great things with my life before I die so you and your brother can be proud of me.

Goodbye sweet baby girl. I love you.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

6 Week Post-Partum Checkup Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my 6 week post-partum checkup. I'm scared, nervous, anxious, sad, hurt, angry...good grief! It's emotional thinking about it.

Aside from the checkup, I expect to get some answers and clarification as to what happened, why Becca died, and what, if any, plans we could make for the future as far as trying again some day goes.

I'm also really hurt that my doctor didn't call while I was in the hospital for two weeks...he was on vacation when I went in, but I never got a call or anything. Even when the baby died.

This hurts.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Total Breakdown


I'm completely falling apart.

Told my husband I'm ready to just die. Life doesn't get any better, if God even exists he obviously doesn't care, and I hate everyone and everything especially my husband.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong. I'm NOT. I've just managed to somehow survive more traumatic life events in the past 30 years than most "normal" people.

Dumb luck.

I'm miserable.

Still Angry??

4 hours later and I'm still angry.

Usually I just cry a bit or yell and move on.

Why am I still so miserable??

I hate this!

Knocked Off My Feet

Knocked off my feet by my grief today.

I've been doing so well lately, too. It's been awhile since I broke down. I've had quite a few happy and normal and positive days.
When Jimmy died, I was grief-stricken all the time. I had just lost my mother 4 months earlier, and my grandmother shortly after. I was braced for the blow that was going to come every day.
This time it's different. I have not braced myself for pain, because it hasn't been as constant. I can see babies and smile. I can hold babies and smile. I can watch TV and laugh. I can hum and sing as I'm doing housework. I couldn't do any of this for months after Jimmy died.
But, although the pain is not constant, it is just as fierce (if not fiercer) when it does hit. And since I'm not braced for it, since I've been enjoying my week or playing with the dogs or having fun with my husband, it just seems to catch me completely off guard and knock me over!
Grieving for Jimmy and grieving for Becca have not been any better or any worse...just different. With Jimmy I was upset constantly for a very long time, with Becca I actually have periods of happy time in between the grief but I get knocked over since I'm unprepared and it comes out of the blue.

I think I really hurt my husband today. I said a LOT of things out of sudden anger and grief that I'm still not sure if I meant or not.
The puppy was driving me nuts because she was whining non-stop in her kennel, even though she had been feed and exercised and gone to the bathroom...she just wouldn't stop. So I took her out to chain her up in the yard right as my husband came home for lunch. He got very irritated and told me that he did not want her chained up in the yard, he wanted her in her kennel. I tried to explain to him that she whines ALL DAY in her kennel, I can't coddle her for 90% of the time, so what is wrong with fresh air and sunshine? He reiterated that she was to be in her kennel and not chained outside. I lost it.
I had flashbacks of being in the hospital and the doctors telling us I was 5cm dilated with the sac bulging out and we were 21 weeks which was way to young for the baby to survive and I needed to go ahead and deliver and say goodbye to avoid prolonging the inevitable and to keep me from having complications of infection that was sure to set in.
I wanted to deliver and say goodbye and get it over with. My husband wanted to wait and "give God a chance to see what he could do." He decided for us that we would wait, and I didn't argue. We waited, I suffered, the baby still died, I got an awful infection.
I wouldn't trade those two weeks for anything, but today I just couldn't see anything but red. I was just SO ANGRY that he didn't seem to care about how his decision would affect me. Just like how we are stuck in this tiny house, how I held Becca for two weeks just to lose her anyway and have more suffering than I would have had we had her when the doctors advised it, and now he doesn't give a hoot how annoying and frustrating it is to have an unhappy puppy in a kennel...because the consequences DO NOT AFFECT HIM!
I just lost it...called him selfish and used quite a few awful awful words towards him over and over. I threw a tantrum, basically, and I was very very mean and hurtful with what I chose to say to him.
He just took it all in stride, went and brought lunch back for me and Taylor, held me while I cried and told him I hated him, I hated this house, I hated this marriage, I hated this puppy, and I just wanted my babies and I was angry with him. And then he told me to rest, and quietly went back to work.

I feel like I should apologize, but I don't want to. I'm still angry.