Saturday, December 11, 2010

Moving on is Sad

Tuning up my resume and applying for a job on a private school lined up for my only living child (the public schools here stink), and my husband and I have a whole plan for using my paycheck to pay off debt. We'd be out of debt within 2 years.
It's so tough...I was so happy being pregnant and homeschooling my son and the two other boys with him and making a little money.....looking forward to Becca being born, and finally feeling like I was going to be whole again since Jimmy died.
Now, in less than two months Becca is gone, my job is gone, the boys are gone and we didn't even get to say goodbye...why does everything come crashing down on me?
I will not be a stay at home mother. I will not be raising babies. I will not be homeschooling my son.
I will be grieving the loss of my babies and the loss of my dreams and going back to the daily depressing! If I get this job, the next year is going to suck big time....we've looked at our schedule and with getting Taylor and the stepkids to school we've got to get up at 5:45am and we wouldn't be home until 5:30ish in the evenings.
BUT...if we can just stick it out for one year....we could be out of debt and we could try for another baby again.

Oh Lord my heart is breaking! Please tell me this is the right thing to do? I don't see any alternatives, and this looks great for the future, but I need something happy in the present or I'm gonna crack.

I miss my babies so much. It really hurts.

My son keeps asking me: "Mom, am I not enough for you?" and when I try to tell him that I just want another baby, I miss the baby years, he says "So you only loved me when I was a baby?"

This is tough.
I find it easy to make it through a crisis while the tragedy is occuring...but once the dust settles, the aftermath, the monotony and the grief and the putting the pieces back together and trying to move on...THAT is what takes true courage. Anyone can grieve. Not everyone can move on.

Missing you Becca....


  1. only you and God know if this is the right thing for you and your family for you working, Katie. I'm thinking if you kept it in prayer and feel led to apply for work then that is what God wants you to do. I'm thinking if you prayed that if it wasn't his will to clearly let you know and to stop it if it wasn't, then I'm thinking he would have answered that prayer too, especially if you just want to do what he wants you to do (which is always my prayer when faced with difficult choices and decisions, which is why I'm moving next month in a situation I absolutely don't want to move into, but my prayer has been "Lord if you don't want me there, please let us know and make it sooooo aboundantly clear").

    You are right, not everyone can move on with their grief. One can still grieve and grieve hard and yet move on.

    and what to say to your son, I'm so clueless on that. At his age, he just can't quite grasp the whole "I love you but I would love to share that love with someone else too and nuture them to be the person you are turning out to be and I want you to share in that love and experience too".

    will pray.......