Sunday, December 19, 2010

I'd Be Lying....

....if I said I wasn't in a funk and everything was ok. Because its not. But I know this is only temporary....right?

I miss my babies, I've got no Christmas spirit, (didn't even get a tree this year...Rusty went out and bought a 2ft fake tree but all the ornaments are still in the attic), and I'm so fed up with God that I've only gone to church twice since Becca died and all of my public praising of God has ceased...not that God doesn't deserve praise, I just don't feel it anymore and I'm not into faking it right now.

My husband and I had another huge fight. We got through it, barely. For the first time in our marriage I am seriously concerned about whether we're going to make it or not. And I can honestly say I really don't think its his fault...I just still resent him for me and Taylor giving up our house, my car, and hometown and friends and everything to marry him and stay stuck in this tiny house.

I did not mind all of this as much when we were expecting babies, but after 3 dead babies and me losing my job because I couldn't handle the commute and the stress during my grief....well, I just feel like I have nothing left and I blame my husband for all of it. ALL OF IT. Because before I met him I had a great 8-5 job, a cute little home with a fenced in yard, Taylor walked two blocks to school, we had the evenings and weekends together, we walked one block to church and cubscouts....then Rusty came along and got me pregnant and now I am left with nothing that I had before AND 3 dead babies.

I thought I was adding a husband and future children to my life, but instead I traded my life for a husband. I honestly don't think it was worth it. I can't see past my grief right now, we're poor, and I have 2 step kids that don't really like me and an ex-wife that has made my life MISERABLE.

And God bless my husband, make no mistake, he is trying SO HARD to make me happy. He really is. He loves me so much. But I keep hurting him, because I am sooo angry and I resent him so much for what my life has become.

I lost EVERYTHING and more in our one year of marriage and I just feel like if I divorce him I could go back and try to put the pieces of my life back together.

But I can't go back, can I? My job is no longer there, I no longer have my car, I have no money, and running away will not change the fact that I have 3 dead children. And on top of all of that, I would have a failed marriage as well.

I just don't know what to do. Honest to God, I have no clue. I always swore I would never get divorced and that even if my husband ever cheated on me we could always try counseling or something...I imagined, and was prepared for, every scenario in my head except one.....and wouldn't ya know it, that's the one I'm in. I could find a way to fix or live with or work with every marital problem I can think of, but I never thought that all our babies would die and now that they have, my life feels so hollow and empty and the things that I had overlooked before that I had given up have gone from being things I bring up in casual arguments with my spouse to things that I'm seriously considering ending my marriage over.

After I had Taylor, I knew that I had to get a degree and a job and get married...and if I did those things I could finally have the family I'd always wanted...nothing in my entire life has brought me more joy than my son, Taylor, and I worked really hard for several years so that I could be stable and get married and experience that with 3 or 4 more children of my own.

What do you do when all your dreams are dead? If what drives us is our hopes and do you keep going when you find out that your dream has turned into a nightmare? Where do I go from here? I just want to be happy again and not hurt anymore. And if this dream has to die, so be it, but I don't want to die with it! What is my new dream?? Where do I go, what do I do, just point me in the right direction and I SWEAR I'll go!

Do I stay married and hope things get better and hope that in a year we will try again for another baby? Get a job instead of homeschooling and just force this grief on the backburner like my husband wants me to do? Get divorced and get a job and try to build my life back again? Go back to school and get my Master's degree in something? Pursue my dream of doing something with my music? (ha yeah right) Try again for a location for my thrift store?

My husband seems to think that my only problem is that I need to grow up and get a fulltime job, and get "saved" for real...he thinks that all my problems stem because I never "really and truly invited Jesus into my heart." That makes me very angry. I've struggled with my relationship with God all my life but I always pursued him...and I can't tell you how many times I was on my knees, sobbing, and begging Jesus to come into my heart...begging! Fearing that very thing my husband accused me of, and crying and praying for Jesus to come in, just in case I hadn't gotten it right the other dozens of times I'd asked.

I told my husband that maybe I just didn't believe in God anymore and that's when he said I wasn't really saved because you can't just "stop believing" once you're truly saved. I think he's naive and he doesn't know what true suffering is and that doubts and crises of faith are par for the course when you've been to hell and back. But, hey, what do I know about suffering?? Ha. Ha. Ha.

I don't know if I've stopped believing in God, but I do know that somehow, I have lost my ability to have anything even close to a "child-like faith" in God. When you are robbed of your innocence, you can't get it back. I have seen to much, felt too much, and suffered too much to ever have a child-like faith in God again. That's not to say that I can't have faith in God, I just don't see any way that I will ever again be at that place where I was when my second baby was inside of me and as I was praising God, she was ripped away from me...even as she left this earth I was still praising Him.

Something happened between her funeral and now and I don't know what it is. I wish I knew so I could fix it. I even went to my OBGYN and a psychiatrist to make sure it wasn't post-partum depression or some other form of depression. No, I'm just dealing with an unusual amount of grief given my life circumstances and losing my last surviving parent and grandparent along with 3 babies all in one 18 month period.

Unfortunately, I believe its just a matter of time and I'm just somehow going to have to be patient and wait for this pain to pass.

So, this is where I am right now. It's not a very pretty place. It's really bleak and desolate. I'd like to fix it, but I really don't know how.


  1. Katie, There are no words I can say to take your pain away or make you feel better but I do know that it is not God that let you down. Its not even our body that lets us down in these cases. We lost our children. We lost our innocense. We lost that "saftey" time when we should be past the danger of miscarrying or looses our children. You have been faced with so much in the last months but I think God is trying to carry you now. You have to let him in. That is when true healing happens. You will never "let go" of your grief. It is just going to be apart of our lives. The reality is our children are not here on earth with us but they live forever in our hearts. In thier memory we have to make sure we keep living and when it is our time, we will meet again. You have important people in your life that need you just as much as they need them. That is a gift from God. You have love in your heart, that is a gift from God. As you were going through that horrible time in your life you kept our lives full of God. That was your gift to God. God is wrapping his arms around you and trying to help you heal. Please try not to give up hope. I have to believe God has infinite blessings coming your way. Your heart just has to open alittle to receive them. What happened to you SUCKS!!!! Loosing our babies more than SUCKS!! But we do have other blessings that are in the here and now. Please take comfort in knowing that you brought me to a better place when I lost Lucas.I do not think me accidently calling you that day was an accident. I was in such a bad place. You made me realize all the things that you are now questioning. GOD is with you. No matter if you want him there or not.. whether you want him to be there or not. He is like a friend that can take the truth. He knows you are mad, and hurt, and broken. He will not try to fix you.He will just be there to listen. Just like you listened to me that day that I called, I am a complete stanger to you but your love of God is apparent. You helped me to open my heart just alittle to allow Gods healing touch in. I am not who I was before loosing Lucas, I never will be but I will let my faith lead my heart from now on and allow me to listen. If you need me I am here. I wish you the path back to faith and hope and LOVE.

  2. I have no words of wisdom or words otherwise for you, Katie, I think Christy offered lots of wise valid words; just wanted you to know I read this and I am so sorry for it all


  3. Katie,

    You don't know me, but I followed your story on ivillage, I was so moved by your faith, that I always looked forward to read your posts. I didn't post much, since I really didn't have much to say. I was actually looking for an update to see how you were doing, you have been on my heart for the last couple of days.

    A little about me, I am Bonnie, and I (we) also have three babies in heaven, our son Joshua was stillborn in April of 2009, I also homeschool, and I am also a mom of an only child. I followed your story because I felt we had so much in common. I just want to let you know I am thinking and praying for you.

    I know where you are, and sometimes feel like I am still there. I felt God held me together when we lost our son, but I could not get myself to praise him, or be in that place where I could talk to Him, I did find myself asking a lot of questions, and not understanding anything. Or I find myself bargaining with God, almost saying to myself, "if I dedicate myself to God, he will, in turn give us a living child". Or thinking if I take a certain path, it will lead with us having a child. I'm not sure if you're going through the same thing. I pray you (or we :) find your way back.

    Be patient with your husband. Husbands tend to want to fix things, this is something he can't, so he's probably frustrated more than anything. I have been married 15 years, not sure how I would've survived had we not had the foundation we had. I noticed men tend to deal with grief very differently than women, it seems they move on quicker. I learned to accept that, but I also had fights with my DH. He just didn't know how to handle me this way.

    I pray that you have a good support system, that there are people around you that will understand and love you unconditionally. I had to get some outside help, not ashamed to admit it. Some counseling to help me deal with grief.

    Sorry if this sound like rambling or doesn't make much sense, I just wanted you to know that someone out there cares about you, and understands what you are going through.

    Many blessing and clarity...