....if I said I wasn't in a funk and everything was ok. Because its not. But I know this is only temporary....right?
I miss my babies, I've got no Christmas spirit, (didn't even get a tree this year...Rusty went out and bought a 2ft fake tree but all the ornaments are still in the attic), and I'm so fed up with God that I've only gone to church twice since Becca died and all of my public praising of God has ceased...not that God doesn't deserve praise, I just don't feel it anymore and I'm not into faking it right now.
My husband and I had another huge fight. We got through it, barely. For the first time in our marriage I am seriously concerned about whether we're going to make it or not. And I can honestly say I really don't think its his fault...I just still resent him for me and Taylor giving up our house, my car, and hometown and friends and everything to marry him and stay stuck in this tiny house.
I did not mind all of this as much when we were expecting babies, but after 3 dead babies and me losing my job because I couldn't handle the commute and the stress during my grief....well, I just feel like I have nothing left and I blame my husband for all of it. ALL OF IT. Because before I met him I had a great 8-5 job, a cute little home with a fenced in yard, Taylor walked two blocks to school, we had the evenings and weekends together, we walked one block to church and cubscouts....then Rusty came along and got me pregnant and now I am left with nothing that I had before AND 3 dead babies.
I thought I was adding a husband and future children to my life, but instead I traded my life for a husband. I honestly don't think it was worth it. I can't see past my grief right now, we're poor, and I have 2 step kids that don't really like me and an ex-wife that has made my life MISERABLE.
And God bless my husband, make no mistake, he is trying SO HARD to make me happy. He really is. He loves me so much. But I keep hurting him, because I am sooo angry and I resent him so much for what my life has become.
I lost EVERYTHING and more in our one year of marriage and I just feel like if I divorce him I could go back and try to put the pieces of my life back together.
But I can't go back, can I? My job is no longer there, I no longer have my car, I have no money, and running away will not change the fact that I have 3 dead children. And on top of all of that, I would have a failed marriage as well.
I just don't know what to do. Honest to God, I have no clue. I always swore I would never get divorced and that even if my husband ever cheated on me we could always try counseling or something...I imagined, and was prepared for, every scenario in my head except one.....and wouldn't ya know it, that's the one I'm in. I could find a way to fix or live with or work with every marital problem I can think of, but I never thought that all our babies would die and now that they have, my life feels so hollow and empty and the things that I had overlooked before that I had given up have gone from being things I bring up in casual arguments with my spouse to things that I'm seriously considering ending my marriage over.
After I had Taylor, I knew that I had to get a degree and a job and get married...and if I did those things I could finally have the family I'd always wanted...nothing in my entire life has brought me more joy than my son, Taylor, and I worked really hard for several years so that I could be stable and get married and experience that with 3 or 4 more children of my own.
What do you do when all your dreams are dead? If what drives us is our hopes and dreams....how do you keep going when you find out that your dream has turned into a nightmare? Where do I go from here? I just want to be happy again and not hurt anymore. And if this dream has to die, so be it, but I don't want to die with it! What is my new dream?? Where do I go, what do I do, just point me in the right direction and I SWEAR I'll go!
Do I stay married and hope things get better and hope that in a year we will try again for another baby? Get a job instead of homeschooling and just force this grief on the backburner like my husband wants me to do? Get divorced and get a job and try to build my life back again? Go back to school and get my Master's degree in something? Pursue my dream of doing something with my music? (ha yeah right) Try again for a location for my thrift store?
My husband seems to think that my only problem is that I need to grow up and get a fulltime job, and get "saved" for real...he thinks that all my problems stem because I never "really and truly invited Jesus into my heart." That makes me very angry. I've struggled with my relationship with God all my life but I always pursued him...and I can't tell you how many times I was on my knees, sobbing, and begging Jesus to come into my heart...begging! Fearing that very thing my husband accused me of, and crying and praying for Jesus to come in, just in case I hadn't gotten it right the other dozens of times I'd asked.
I told my husband that maybe I just didn't believe in God anymore and that's when he said I wasn't really saved because you can't just "stop believing" once you're truly saved. I think he's naive and he doesn't know what true suffering is and that doubts and crises of faith are par for the course when you've been to hell and back. But, hey, what do I know about suffering?? Ha. Ha. Ha.
I don't know if I've stopped believing in God, but I do know that somehow, I have lost my ability to have anything even close to a "child-like faith" in God. When you are robbed of your innocence, you can't get it back. I have seen to much, felt too much, and suffered too much to ever have a child-like faith in God again. That's not to say that I can't have faith in God, I just don't see any way that I will ever again be at that place where I was when my second baby was inside of me and as I was praising God, she was ripped away from me...even as she left this earth I was still praising Him.
Something happened between her funeral and now and I don't know what it is. I wish I knew so I could fix it. I even went to my OBGYN and a psychiatrist to make sure it wasn't post-partum depression or some other form of depression. No, I'm just dealing with an unusual amount of grief given my life circumstances and losing my last surviving parent and grandparent along with 3 babies all in one 18 month period.
Unfortunately, I believe its just a matter of time and I'm just somehow going to have to be patient and wait for this pain to pass.
So, this is where I am right now. It's not a very pretty place. It's really bleak and desolate. I'd like to fix it, but I really don't know how.