I should be writing more...but I hardly ever have any alone time. I feel like I should be sharing all of these thoughts and feelings, these experiences, but somehow I just can't bring myself to do it right now.
Writing for me requires great concentration and everytime I sit down to type, the puppy starts howling and whining, one of the kids needs me, the TV or video games are blaring, dinner needs cooking...its always something.
I know its a blessing to be so busy, but sometimes I really wish I could get some peace and quiet and time alone for a few hours or a day or two!
Yesterday was my six week check-up. There wasn't really any check-up, I was just put in an exam room in the very back and my doctor gave me my "official diagnosis" of an incompetent cervix.
He held me while I cried. What a good man.
I sobbed and told him I had called his office 2 weeks before I was hospitalized for it and had told the nurse that I was concerned I had an Incompetent cervix but that the symptoms could also be an infection and would she ask the doctor...she told me that if I didn't get a call, then check for a prescription. I just assumed he had gotten the message and didn't think I needed a check-up or that the incompetent cervix thing was all in my head. When I relayed this to Dr. H, he told me that all he was told was a possible infection, he never got the rest of the message. (I'm trying SO HARD, JESUS, SO HARD! to not be angry and think that if that one woman had relayed the ENTIRE message I'd have been called in for a vaginal exam and he would have caught it and given me an emergency cerclage and put me on bed rest before it was too late and I would have my baby still in my belly and my sweet Becca would not have died were it not for this ONE WOMAN and her idiotic inability to relay ONE SIMPLE MESSAGE correctly! ...and then I berate myself because I should have gone in person and demanded to be seen instead of naively trusting in a phone message...or I should have called the office back to verify instead of just picking up the prescription...BUT! My sweet baby girl is gone and nothing is going to bring her back.
And if I learned anything from losing my daughter, I learned that sometimes things are just meant to be and nothing can change that...even if the nurse had relayed the message and I had been seen and put on bed rest, the outcome would have still been the same if that was what was meant to be....*sigh* Its so hard to accept sometimes.
Dr.H just held my hands and looked into my eyes and said: "Sweetie. It looks like we dropped the ball on you. I am so very sorry." And he hugged me and I cried some more.
(Funny how with Jimmy's death he was alive at my 36 week check-up and Dr. C didn't listen to me when I told him something was wrong and 2 days later he died...it would be so EASY to be eaten up with bitterness and anger over these two losses that could easily be blamed on other people. But I need to believe that if my baby's were meant to live, they would be here right now. Miracles happen everyday in spite of human error, ignorance, and stupidity. My babies just were not meant to be, and that is the heart of the matter. And that makes me so very sad. I think if I were to be angry and blame others or myself for my babies' deaths I would just get stuck in anger forever. Sometimes thats easier because once you get past the anger you have to deal with this incredible pain...anger is the barrier, the defense from the pain...but after the pain comes new hope, happiness, joy, and a fresh perspective on life and a new appreciation for everything in it.)
Dr.H said to wait 6 months and we could try again. That there were no connections between Jimmy's stillbirth, our 8 week miscarriage, and my incompetent cervix that caused Becca's death. No reason not to try again, no reason to think that a cerclage at 12 weeks wouldn't bring us a healthy, living baby.
Rusty and I have decided to wait a year. We need to heal. My body needs to heal, my husband needs attention, I need to invest in my marriage, and God bless our children, they've been through so much....I lay in bed with my step-daughter last night (she asked me to read her a book and then changed her mind and asked if we could talk instead) and she reminded me that she has lost 4 siblings in the past year...Jimmy, the miscarried baby, Becca, and her mother had a stillbirth at 20 weeks last August.
Like it or not, I am and will always be the source of emotional strength and wisdom for my family. They need me. So I've got to heal and help them heal before I can think about having another baby.
And you know what? I feel relieved. I feel like God has finally given me some peace about this, and I am looking forward to freedom from the past 2 years of chronic pregnancies and dead babies.
We'll see what God has in store. For now, I feel like I can let go.
I've got a lot of grief to work through, but I can let go....
Mommy loves you so much, Becca. I will always miss you and I will think of you every day, like I think of Jimmy. And because I love you so much, I will carry on with my life and I will hopefully do great things with my life before I die so you and your brother can be proud of me.
Goodbye sweet baby girl. I love you.