Thursday, December 2, 2010

Knocked Off My Feet

Knocked off my feet by my grief today.

I've been doing so well lately, too. It's been awhile since I broke down. I've had quite a few happy and normal and positive days.
When Jimmy died, I was grief-stricken all the time. I had just lost my mother 4 months earlier, and my grandmother shortly after. I was braced for the blow that was going to come every day.
This time it's different. I have not braced myself for pain, because it hasn't been as constant. I can see babies and smile. I can hold babies and smile. I can watch TV and laugh. I can hum and sing as I'm doing housework. I couldn't do any of this for months after Jimmy died.
But, although the pain is not constant, it is just as fierce (if not fiercer) when it does hit. And since I'm not braced for it, since I've been enjoying my week or playing with the dogs or having fun with my husband, it just seems to catch me completely off guard and knock me over!
Grieving for Jimmy and grieving for Becca have not been any better or any worse...just different. With Jimmy I was upset constantly for a very long time, with Becca I actually have periods of happy time in between the grief but I get knocked over since I'm unprepared and it comes out of the blue.

I think I really hurt my husband today. I said a LOT of things out of sudden anger and grief that I'm still not sure if I meant or not.
The puppy was driving me nuts because she was whining non-stop in her kennel, even though she had been feed and exercised and gone to the bathroom...she just wouldn't stop. So I took her out to chain her up in the yard right as my husband came home for lunch. He got very irritated and told me that he did not want her chained up in the yard, he wanted her in her kennel. I tried to explain to him that she whines ALL DAY in her kennel, I can't coddle her for 90% of the time, so what is wrong with fresh air and sunshine? He reiterated that she was to be in her kennel and not chained outside. I lost it.
I had flashbacks of being in the hospital and the doctors telling us I was 5cm dilated with the sac bulging out and we were 21 weeks which was way to young for the baby to survive and I needed to go ahead and deliver and say goodbye to avoid prolonging the inevitable and to keep me from having complications of infection that was sure to set in.
I wanted to deliver and say goodbye and get it over with. My husband wanted to wait and "give God a chance to see what he could do." He decided for us that we would wait, and I didn't argue. We waited, I suffered, the baby still died, I got an awful infection.
I wouldn't trade those two weeks for anything, but today I just couldn't see anything but red. I was just SO ANGRY that he didn't seem to care about how his decision would affect me. Just like how we are stuck in this tiny house, how I held Becca for two weeks just to lose her anyway and have more suffering than I would have had we had her when the doctors advised it, and now he doesn't give a hoot how annoying and frustrating it is to have an unhappy puppy in a kennel...because the consequences DO NOT AFFECT HIM!
I just lost it...called him selfish and used quite a few awful awful words towards him over and over. I threw a tantrum, basically, and I was very very mean and hurtful with what I chose to say to him.
He just took it all in stride, went and brought lunch back for me and Taylor, held me while I cried and told him I hated him, I hated this house, I hated this marriage, I hated this puppy, and I just wanted my babies and I was angry with him. And then he told me to rest, and quietly went back to work.

I feel like I should apologize, but I don't want to. I'm still angry.

5 comments:

  1. :) Aw. I know what you're going through in the hubby department. We have had our spats. I'm sure everything will work out....I know from experience that apologizing is tough...but sometimes it's the best thing! I'll be praying for you.

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  2. Oh Katie, I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could say to make any one bit of this better. Just know I'm thinking of you, and sending much love and many hugs your way.
    Stacy

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  3. (((Katie)))

    I echo what Stacy said in her comment.

    betty

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  4. Praying for you so much.

    Caroline

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  5. Joe and I have been seeing a grief counselor and he said the best thing this week- that it's okay to drift apart, to have moments or even days where one of us is experiencing the grief more intently or are reactions to it are more aggressive. He said you have to expect that now because it isn't possible that both of us will experience this in the same way, at the same time, every day. He said that what we have to remember is that we do love each other and that we will RECONNECT. He said it's the reconnection that defines the marriage, not the parts that make it seem like its falling apart. It sounds like your hubby did a great job of giving you what you needed, you've got to get all your feelings out, not keep them trapped. My mantra: SCREAM, CRY, SHOUT when ya gotta. I've stopped sucking back tears, its just worse when I keep it inside.

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