Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Breathing Again

Well, it's another day, which is a new day...which means it's no longer yesterday, thank God! Yesterday was terrible. I hate bad days. The term "bad day" takes on a WHOLE new meaning when you are grieving.

I quit my job yesterday, and surprisingly, the vet was very supportive. Told me he admired me and that he had never met anyone who had been through as much as I have and I was one of the most innocent and heartfelt, caring people he had ever met in his life. He also advised me to steer clear of jobs where I might have to watch people or animals suffer as my big heart would make that too stressful for me to be around constantly.

I whole-heartedly agree...part of the thing that was stressing me out so much was the notion that I had to learn to cut off some of that emotion in order to be good at the job. Not the mopping the floors part of the job, haha, but the part of the job where I assisted in surgery and he was giving abortions to cats. I held the instruments in place, tied the patient down, handed instruments, cleaned up, did what I was told...but I cried the whole time. Watching that little uterus come out with 4 or 5 little kitten lumps in it just choked me up every time....he told me I shouldn't be sad, that it was more sad for the kittens that weren't aborted and had no one to love them and died miserable deaths...I still couldn't make it "ok" in my mind or my heart. I'm such a softie.

Anyway, quitting lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders and I felt much lighter and freer all day yesterday.

But now I am still left with the questions, can I even handle a job at all? Am I so destroyed by the grief in my life that I can no longer function as a normal adult with a normal job? Is feeling like this normal? I know I've had a lot of loss in a short period of time, but is that an excuse for me to still be an emotional wreck?
What should I be doing with my life? Should I be trying to move on and look for something else, or is this an indication that I'm not ready and I should still be healing and taking time off?

I'm not sure. I wish I had some answers.

I called the University and got some information on going back to grad school, getting my Masters Degree in Spanish and teaching this husband cautioned me to think about it and make SURE that this was a good idea for me and not something that would throw me back into a ball of stress and grief.

This is one of those moments where I wish I had living parents. I'd love to talk to my mom or dad about this. Lord, I hope I'm around when my son is 30...I'd hate for him to have to go through what I'm going through. Plus, maybe I'll actually have some answers by then, hahaha!


  1. Katie, i am also hoping it is normal for me to feel that way. I am going to say it is, for both of our sakes. I feel so many of the same emotions and thoughts that you feel and write about. I am also in the "can i handle even functioning in a ""normal"" working enviroment?" place right now too. I went applying at jobs the other day and it was a sad sorry mess. I am not suprised no one has contacted me yet, and a little releaved actually. I am not sure if i am ready really. Maybe God will just let us know somehow and we need to just ride the tide, fighting it for our own plans or asparations usually doesnt work out for me so i am just riding the storm out. hugs and prayers sent your way katie.

  2. Bless you! *hugs* I'm so sorry you are walking the same path as me but I'm so glad I'm not walking it alone.
    I can understand the relieved me that is the biggest indicator that I'm just not ready: the feeling relieved about not getting any responses to my resumes, applications, or interviews.
    My biggest fear right now? That I'm permanently damaged and I'll never be ready. That scares me. I wish we knew a lot of women who had walked this path before like 20 years ago and could give us advice and tell us their stories of hope!
    At the very least, maybe you and I will get through this intact and have an obligation to leave behind a book or something for the ones that come behind us because going through this blindly is terrifying!