I've been wondering why now, after 5 months, it has seemed to have gotten so much harder over the past two or three weeks? My heart has been hurting like crazy!
It was about around the 5 month mark that I got pregnant again after Jimmy...which would make one year now since I was pregnant with the baby we miscarried. But that pregnancy, even for a few weeks, brought me so much hope and joy. And less than a month after I miscarried, I was pregnant with Becca.
I think maybe my body is remembering all of this? The past couple of weeks of insane phantom pregnancy symptoms and baby kicks that aren't really there and the constant, vivid dreams of being pregnant...I even went out and bought a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Test was negative, so I guess it's just the grief and the physical memories causing me so much heartache right now.
It was easier to move forward after Jimmy's death when I got pregnant again. Now, it's been 5 months since Becca's death and not only am I not pregnant, but there is no hope of another pregnancy in the immediate future...we are taking preventative measures.
I think it's forcing me to go through a second wave of grief which is almost worse than the first.
My husband and I got into a huge argument last night over the kids and a good part of that could have been prevented if I would have kept my grief/anger out of the equation...I was not level-headed at all.
Today, I cried harder than I have cried in a very very very long time....one of those cries where you are moaning and gasping for breath in between sobs, there's tears and snot pouring down your face and you can't even wipe it away because you are spending all your energy trying to breathe and there's this wailing in pain and you are almost outside of yourself wondering if its really you making all that noise...holding onto Becca's little hat that she wore, hugging her stuffed animal, rocking back and forth and sobbing and weeping and wailing and gasping for breath as each wave of pain just slams into you like a fist punching your heart and your stomach over and over as a barrage of flashbacks attacks you as well...images of her body, the last time I felt her kick, a smile waking up to her fluttering, an image of my pregnant belly....to quote my friend Andrew who watched his six year old daughter die from cancer: "I didn't know it was possible for a human being to feel this much pain."
I've been holding it in. I miss my baby, and I miss her in a way that not a soul on this earth will ever be able to feel but me. My body misses her and I miss her body. My womb is empty, my arms ache, and I'm just broken to pieces from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and from my heart to my soul. I just miss my baby.
How amazing is that bond between a mother and her child that a mother's mind and body continues to instinctually respond with such pain at the separation?
I hope I don't have to go through another day like today. I hope all the rest of my days being sad for Becca are just little soft tears and whispers of memories and tiny tugs on my heart....today I felt ripped apart. I don't want to feel that again.