Saturday, April 23, 2011

Aaaaaand The Crash....

Usually I don't have my tantrum until 3 days before my period starts. Is PMS a few days early?

Went to the only yardsale in the paper today and it wound up being at someone's house that we know who just so happened to have MIRACULOUSLY given birth in her car, by herself, on the way to the hospital...after Becca had died.
I was looking for some clothes since I hardly have anything that fits anymore, what with all the pregnancies and weight gain and subsequent loss...they had mostly baby stuff. Gobs and gobs of baby clothes, baby beds, baby backpacks, baby jumpers, baby toys, baby books, etc.
I bought a dog house and got out of there after making polite conversation.
Got home, and wouldn't ya know it, the dang dogs didn't want to have anything to do with the dog house. I just lost it.
I cried and ranted and wailed for an hour. Just sobbed and yelled and sobbed and sobbed some more.
For the life of me, when I get like this, I can't feel anything but incredible pain and a sense of loss and I just miss my babies SO BAD I can't think of anything else. I can't describe it any other way other than that it hurts so bad you just want to die to get away from it.

I miss my babies. I'm so scared that God won't let us try again or that we'll just wind up with another dead baby. Sometimes I just wish God would tell me what to do....somedays it seems like I am just SO CLOSE to having it all figured out and I'm moving on with my life and then days like today I just completely fall apart and feel just as awful as I did the moment I found out my babies were going to die or were already dead.

My husband just sat there and listened and held me and didn't respond in anger when I yelled and cursed and swore and ranted and tried to blame him and God and myself. In the end I just collapsed and sobbed some more.

There is nothing glamorous about grief. I don't care what they portray in the movies, grief is ugly.

My husband is so patient and unwavering in his faith...I'm blessed. Angry and broken, but blessed..he is a good man.

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