I've been struggling with my relationship with God and the idea of being in a desert as far as a faith crisis goes, is a pretty accurate description.
Yesterday and today I was privileged to be able to cry and share with a young family who just lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. My heart breaks for them...I know what kind of pain and heartache they are facing. The initial shock and trauma, the numbness, the soul-shattering feeling of loss and grief, the anger, the guilt, the lonliness, the trying to make sense of the world....and all I want to do is make it better but I can't.
But the blessing in disguise is this: Being with this young family has shown me just how far I have come in my own grief journey, and has allowed me an opportunity to be in a position to be of help...this brings meaning to Jimmy and Becca's short lives...the pain that I've been going through is able to help me help someone else.
A good friend of mine pointed out that maybe my faith crisis right now is something that God can use...sometimes when you are grieving nothing is more annoying than someone who has it all together. Perhaps sometimes people need to see that you can fall apart and lose faith and God will heal you.
I do believe that my doubts and fears and distance from God is part of my grief process and I have faith that my faith will be restored. God has time and time again used the broken people to carry his message.
Maybe my brokeness right now is a good way of reaching someone else who is broken.
I would like to have my faith and innocence back, I really would. The closeness that I felt to God when I was in the hospital with Becca was amazing. I wish I could feel like that again.