Ok, I know I'm still in a grieving phase, and we have had probably one of the worst first two years of marriage EVER, but let's have a little happiness, shall we?
We can start with my attitude...attitude adjustment?
I started with cleaning the house yesterday...vacuuming the hardwood floors including corners and baseboards and under furniture, laundry, wiping down counters, cleaning sinks, washing out the kitchen trash can, dusting the tables and chairs with pledge, etc.
I have never been much of a house-keeper...arguably my biggest flaw as a human being is that I am a lazy slob. True story.
Anyway, my husband and I had one of those *real* marital "discussions" the other day and he finally let loose a few things he had been holding back for months. (Its like pulling teeth to get that man to admit he is unhappy with something.) Bottom line is that he had a good point....I may be grieving still, but being home all day while he works and pays the bills and him coming home to a messy house is really not fair to him.
That really hit home with me...I love my husband, despite our predicaments, and for him to feel unloved and unappreciated and ashamed of my lack of taking care of our home makes me feel bad. I need to get out of my feeling sorry for myself mode, press on through the anxiety and depression and anything else that gets in my way, and start small...so I blared the music yesterday and cleaned the house.
I remember a quote I heard on a commercial for that show on TLC "Buried Alive" about hoarders with ungodly cluttered and nasty homes, and the quote was something about the state of your home being indicative of your mental state.
You know, that is really true! If I look back on all the times that I decided to turn on the radio or pop in a good CD and clean my home top to bottom and organize drawers and throw away clutter and rearrange furniture...they were times in my life when I felt destressed, happy, and had a positive outlook on life.
So, if I only clean when I'm already happy and feeling good and when I'm depressed I live like a pig and keep everything filthy, and if your housing state is your mental state....wouldn't it seem logical that I could perhaps help myself get out of a mental funk by keeping my house clean? Even when I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to?
Let's see how that goes. I have very good motivation right now because my husband needs me with all the stuff going on with his ex-wife and kids right now. My season of being selfish and grieving is over...its not my turn anymore. My husband has given me ample time and leeway to grieve and he has done very little complaining. Now it's time to focus on the family situation at hand and start picking myself back up...I know I can't just become the person that I used to be overnight...but I need to step up this healing process because my family needs me right now.
Let's see if I can make a commitment to keeping my home clean and free of clutter and pray that it has the same effect on my mental and emotional state.
I feel lighter since the other day when I completely broke down and grieved for Becca so harshly...I put all the rest of the baby stuff in the attic that I had out in my room...the stuffed animal I had with her in the hospital, her memory box from the NICU, her photos and the ultrasounds and everything else. All in the attic. I miss my babies so much, but its been almost 6 months now since Becca died and it's been a year and a half since Jimmy died.
It's ok for me to be sad every now and then, but it's not ok to be a wreck anymore. I was allowed my time to wallow in my grief, and now it is time to get back up and get to work.
I'm so glad I am needed...I really don't think I'd have been able to motivate myself to climb out of this hole on my own.