Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Morning

Got up and just put two 5lb chickens in the oven to roast for our family gathering after church.
Except I won't be going to church. I hope that is ok with you, God. I'm so sorry but I just don't want the pain right now. Awful to say, since it's not like Jesus got a choice, is it?
I just think about Jimmy on Easter...We got to the hospital on a Friday night and found out Jimmy was dead. I labored all weekend and Jimmy was born on Sunday...we held him and kissed him and said goodbye. Last year at Easter, it's all I could think about. Jesus dying on a Friday and being risen on Sunday...Jimmy's death feels like a mini-Easter. (Not trying to be son was no Jesus, its just his death on a Friday and birth on Sunday feels like Easter to me...I can't explain it other than that I like to think that Jimmy went to heaven on Sunday when he was born...)
Anyway, God, please forgive me for not going to church today. My heart hurts. I'm a coward and I'm tired of hurting and crying everytime I go to church. It hurts to think about Jesus dying, and it hurts to think about not getting to be in heaven with you and all the angels and all the loved ones who left here.

I just want some peace from the pain.


  1. Okay, I know I haven't commented here in months, but I've been reading pretty much all your posts. I can understand you're not going to church and although I don't want to speak for God, I think he understands it too. In fact, he knew you would not feel like going to church or go to church on this Easter Sunday and he still loves you and has always loved you. If you believed sincerely at some point in your life in Jesus and you accepted him sincerely in your heart as your Lord and Savior, no one can snatch you out of his hands and you will go to heaven when you die. Not going to church on Easter won't get you kicked out of heaven. I have not been through what you have been through and I would not ever try to minimize the pain and suffering and grief you have been through. I will say though that in my darkest moments when life seemed overwhelming and I just didn't think I could go on, when I went to church, even if I cried all through worship (many a time believe you me) I felt comfort being there. I know you want peace from the pain, I can't give you that peace, but I know Jesus can. When and how, I don't know that, but I know he will as you reach out to him. I'm struggling in something right now, won't go into too many specifics but I've been praying about it; God is opening the doors for it, but I've been resistant; I know he's going to get me and work in me and I know it will be great, but this period of struggle is definitely not bringing peace. Maybe just be still and know he is God and he is working it out for his glory and trust in him.

    I know it is hard. I do. Your hard is different than my hard, but it is still hard.

    and Jesus did get a choice. In perfect obedience and trust in his father and knowing how wonderful it would be for us to be in relationship with him and his father, he was willing to go to the cross for our sins.


  2. I read your posts too. When I was 12 I came face to face with the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross, and all I could do was tell him over and over again how sorry I was and how thankful I was for what he had done so I could spend eternity with him. I believe my relationship with Jesus began then.

    I have been married for 13 years. I have a beloved, cherished daughter through adoption. She is my blessing. My husband and I just never got pregnant, and we wanted a baby, so we adopted. Simple as that.

    Last year I got pregnant. I'm not sure there is any way for anything to be so unexpected. Totally unexpected. But we were thrilled. Totally thrilled. Everyone who found out cried tears of absolute joy and awe of God's devine power. And I was the -- THE HAPPIEST I have ever been in my life. My daughter is more than anyone could ever think to deserve. To think that I would have another blessing on top of that? It was just the most amazing, carefree, happy month of my life.

    Then I miscarried.

    My innocence was gone. My optomism was gone. My baby was gone. I don't want to minimize your grief -- your grief times 3! -- but this baby was very real to me. Still is. I was getting ready to reorganize my whole life around that little baby. This was my miracle. And then it was gone.

    Do I have answers? No. It's been a bad year. By the protection of the Holy Spirit, I have withstood attacks from satan repeatedly, "Why did God do that to you? Why did he allow it to happen? He could have stopped it if he wanted. Why didn't he stop it?" For so long, all I could cling to was that He is good, and He does not lie.

    He does NOT lie. When you are not sure what you believe, when you are not sure why things happen, when you don't know how you can continue, just remember that God is incapable of a lie. You can trust his Word.

    I truly believe that we live in a fallen, sinful world. Sometimes that sin touches our lives. And babies die. God doesn't do it. He doesn't punish like that. He doesn't make it happen to help us grow. He grieves with you. His tears are larger than yours-- I believe that!

    The Bible says that when Stephen the first martyr was stoned, Jesus was STANDING at the right hand of the father in Heaven. It's the only place where he is said to be standing. In all other places it says sitting at the right hand of the Father. This is a stretch here, but... I would rather have been stoned than lost my baby. I would have given anything to have kept my child, short of the health and well-being of my other child. I think that Jesus grieves with us -- I can imagine him standing for us at the right hand of the father...for who grieves like a grieving mother? Is there any worse pain? It comforts me to know the Bible teaches that he both grieves for me and prays for me himself.

    Please excuse my ramblings. I do read your posts and you are on my mind a lot. I wanted to share a little of the journey I have made. I hope some part of it encourages you.