Got up and just put two 5lb chickens in the oven to roast for our family gathering after church.
Except I won't be going to church. I hope that is ok with you, God. I'm so sorry but I just don't want the pain right now. Awful to say, since it's not like Jesus got a choice, is it?
I just think about Jimmy on Easter...We got to the hospital on a Friday night and found out Jimmy was dead. I labored all weekend and Jimmy was born on Sunday...we held him and kissed him and said goodbye. Last year at Easter, it's all I could think about. Jesus dying on a Friday and being risen on Sunday...Jimmy's death feels like a mini-Easter. (Not trying to be blasphemous...my son was no Jesus, its just his death on a Friday and birth on Sunday feels like Easter to me...I can't explain it other than that I like to think that Jimmy went to heaven on Sunday when he was born...)
Anyway, God, please forgive me for not going to church today. My heart hurts. I'm a coward and I'm tired of hurting and crying everytime I go to church. It hurts to think about Jesus dying, and it hurts to think about not getting to be in heaven with you and all the angels and all the loved ones who left here.
I just want some peace from the pain.