Tuesday, March 29, 2011

At What Point.....

....does this start to get better? And why, now after 5 months, is my life STILL in shambles??
I cry every day. I work a dead-end job as a janitor part-time for $7/hr because there is just nothing else. I quit my career job because Jimmy died....$20/hr with benefits and paid vacation and 401k...now not only do I not have any babies, but I have no sense of self-worth as defined by my employment. (I certainly cannot define my self-worth by my ability to have babies which is for most women the most fulfilling sense of purpose.)
As hard as I've tried, my husband and I are not getting out of this tiny house. Stuck here.
I can't go back to school because we can't afford it.
We can't have babies because my body won't allow it.
We can't adopt because we can't afford it, we can't foster because our home is not big enough.

Were it not for my only living child, my fear of pain, and my fear of eternal repurcussions, I would kill myself right now, today, this very minute.

I am SICK of being sad and miserable all the time, I am sick of crying every single day, and I am sick of grieving! (Did I mention that my son's dog that we have had for 5 years had a massive heart attack suddenly and I tried to give her CPR and she could not be rescusitated?)

They keep saying "be patient and wait on the Lord."

Lord, I've been faithful as much as humanly possible throughout all of the tragedies in my life, one after the other, since I was a baby. A BABY. And it's not getting better, it's getting worse.

What am I supposed to do? I need something to live for...a reason to live. A defining purpose....something more than just the 3 hours I get with my husband and kid staring at the TV or the computer every night.

Lord, help me, I'm losing it.


  1. Hey! I saw your blog on Stephanie Kelly's blog. I think you need to read http://liferearranged.com/blog/. She has weekly posts from women who have lost babies. It maybe good to read other stories and to see how they are dealing with the loss.

    Good luck...and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

  2. ((((((((HUGESTHUGSIMAGINEABLE)))))))) Oh my katie, i can FEEL YOUR PAIN! I have been in this for 5 months as of yesterday and i am still in complete shambles as well. I also quit my job due to Stellas death and MANY other reasons that occured durring my pregnancy with her. A purpose is also what i have been having a hard time finding, or feeling or whatever you want to call it. I can relate to just about everything you write, and i feel the same feelings as you. Were in a fight, a pretty shitty, hard, emotionally enduring WAR and it sucks, but we cant loose this battle and giving up is even worse. We can do this Katie. Write me if you want to talk hun, stay strong momma. ~Krystal

  3. Thank you Krystal! *hugs* Sometimes just screaming and crying and giving into those feelings of hopeless, helpless, funk is just one of those nasty things you've gotta do in this awful grief process!
    I quit my part-time min wage janitor job today and a HUGE weight came off my shoulders. I think maybe sometimes it's better to wait for the right thing to come along...plus, the vet told me I was too tender-hearted for the job anyway and one of the most innocent and honest, heartfelt people he had ever met. Helping put dogs to sleep and give kitties abortions in the operating room was too much for me.
    I hope we BOTH find our purpose soon...would love to chat with you sometime!

  4. Hey Katie!

    My name is Jeannett and I just wanted to personally invite you to come check out my latest series of posts on infant loss/miscarriage. It's a crazy, mixed up world and a hard road to walk. I have only seen a teeny tiny portion of it myself...so I truly cannot imagine where you've been. But I do know that you are in amazing company and that it's okay for it to be hard...but it is a path that has a light at the end of it. I hope you can find some peace in the coming days and maybe reading the hearts of others who have been there can help in that process.

    Here is a link to the series: