....does this start to get better? And why, now after 5 months, is my life STILL in shambles??
I cry every day. I work a dead-end job as a janitor part-time for $7/hr because there is just nothing else. I quit my career job because Jimmy died....$20/hr with benefits and paid vacation and 401k...now not only do I not have any babies, but I have no sense of self-worth as defined by my employment. (I certainly cannot define my self-worth by my ability to have babies which is for most women the most fulfilling sense of purpose.)
As hard as I've tried, my husband and I are not getting out of this tiny house. Stuck here.
I can't go back to school because we can't afford it.
We can't have babies because my body won't allow it.
We can't adopt because we can't afford it, we can't foster because our home is not big enough.
Were it not for my only living child, my fear of pain, and my fear of eternal repurcussions, I would kill myself right now, today, this very minute.
I am SICK of being sad and miserable all the time, I am sick of crying every single day, and I am sick of grieving! (Did I mention that my son's dog that we have had for 5 years had a massive heart attack suddenly and I tried to give her CPR and she could not be rescusitated?)
They keep saying "be patient and wait on the Lord."
Lord, I've been faithful as much as humanly possible throughout all of the tragedies in my life, one after the other, since I was a baby. A BABY. And it's not getting better, it's getting worse.
What am I supposed to do? I need something to live for...a reason to live. A defining purpose....something more than just the 3 hours I get with my husband and kid staring at the TV or the computer every night.
Lord, help me, I'm losing it.