Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Official Update

There were a few ladies on another pregnancy board that were concerned and I realized that in the past 3 weeks I had forgotten to update a few is my official update in case I've missed anyone else:

Hi ladies.
No, I'm not in a padded room or anything. :)

Scarlett didn't have a heartbeat when I went into the operating room to have a preventative cerclage was quite a sad surprise. We induced that day, and within a few hours she was born. I didn't have an epidural or even any tylenol because I wanted to feel EVERYTHING...her birth pains were very special to me. Right after she came out, I started taking pictures and the doctor showed me where her little cord was compressed, whch was the cause of her death. He said that in any other instance he would say cord accidents happen and go ahead and try again, but since we are 0 for 4 in the baby department, (even though each baby died for a seemingly different reason), he thinks that my husband and I are genetically incompatible and we both must carry some sort of recessive gene. This makes sense because my husband has an older sister who was born with a hole in her heart requiring surgery, and has an unknown chromosome anomaly that has caused her physical and mental challenges not unlike down syndrome. When Jimmy was born, he had the same facial features as my husband's sister and the doctor told us that Jimmy's death was because of a chromosome abnormality. Becca looked perfect so we wrote that off as a developed incompetent cervix as the cause, but since Scarlett, we are rethinking that and guessing that Becca's death was probably caused by some chromosome abnormality as well and that it was actually pre-term labor caused by the anomaly and not an incompetent cervix.
We have no more answers right now other than that it doesn't look like my husband and I will be able to have any living children together...I don't know if our insurance covers genetic testing, but we will look into it sometime in the future. Genetic testing may not give us any answers, and it surely won't give us a living baby, but if we can get a name for this chromosome problem, we could give our other kids (I have a 9 year old son from an oops when I was 21, and my husband has a 14 year old and a 10 year old with his ex wife) a heads up for when they start having kids one day.

We buried Scarlett the day after she was born....her funeral consisted of just my husband and I and the funeral director and the gravedigger guy...I carried her casket and laid her in the ground myself and would have shoveled the dirt in as well if my husband hadn't stopped me....I wanted to take care of those last moments, you know?

This has been tough for me, especially not being able to have the hope of another chance at a pregnancy and living baby, and it really hurts my heart that my husband and I seem to be genetically incompatible.


However, that very week, my husband's son called him from Texas and said "Dad, come get me, I hate the school here" and my husband drove 9 hours there and back to bring his son back to live with us...I spent an entire evening and all the next day painting his son's bedroom the colors that he wanted and we have been so blessed....I know my husband has been hurting so bad with all his babies in heaven and his two kids 9 hours away, so this was a HUGE answered prayer. (In so many ways, a teenager requires more than a newborn!!) We didn't get a baby, but we got my husband's son back and now they have an opportunity to fix their broken relationship which is such an enormous blessing.
I also went back to work a week after Scarlett died...I got a job working lunches M-F at our new Logan's Roadhouse as a server just to have something to do and to help my husband save up money to hire a lawyer to modify his custody agreement and child support now that his son is living with us.
I've taken on assistant teaching with the 2nd grade choir on Wednesday nights, and on Sunday evenings before church, my husband and I are taking a 2 hour biblically-based financial class.
My only living child, (thank you JESUS for him!), expressed interest in football now that his older step-brother is here (the step-brother plays 9th grade football) so his father and I enrolled him in PeeWee football and tonight was his first practice.
God has kept me VERY busy....all of this stuff has all taken place within the past 3 life became very, very full all of a sudden.
What a blessing, no? I thought my life would be totally empty without Scarlett or any other babies of my own, but God went into overdrive to fill my life with people who need me and things to keep me busy and productive.
Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day for my babies and I long with ALL my heart for a baby and I think about adoption a lot now....but I still have a purpose in life and I still have a family and I still have a future.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have felt God's presence and I see signs constantly and have been for the past three weeks that show that He loves me. Yes, I have my moments, like the night before last when I was crying on my husband's shoulder and said "I think God has forgotten about me!"...but I say that out of sadness and hurt...God has not forgotten me, He just said No.

I am learning to accept 'No' for an answer, and I am learning that just because God says 'No' doesn't mean that he doesn't care or doesn't want me to be's just not part of his plan right now. I struggle with that, but most of the time I think I am handling it fairly well.

I miss my babies, SO much, and I cry everyday, but I am not without love, direction, purpose, happiness, or a future...I'm just a sad, sad momma who is trying to balance grief and gratitude.

Thank you for thinking of me, praying for me, and worrying about me.

Love you, ladies. Many hugs!!!!



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