Friday, July 23, 2010

Missing Jimmy Today

Woke up today feeling sad and missing Jimmy. I'm not quite sure what brought him to the forefront of my mind as soon as I woke up, but there he was...and the tears were right behind him.
I started thinking about his name. My first son, Taylor, was supposed to have been Jimmy...but his dad wouldn't let me name him that. I regretted not naming him Jimmy for years because 3 months after Taylor was born, my father died. (My dad's name was James, and the name Jimmy was to honor him.)
I have wanted to name a son of mine Jimmy for a very, very, very long time. There is an old black and white photo in our family somewhere, in an album and it is of my daddy when he was 5 years old or so, wearing a dress and carrying a purse, playing dress-up. It always made me giggle and reminded me of my dad's innocent and playful nature that continued even into adulthood. I wanted a little boy like that.
Jimmy was supposed to be that little boy I had dreamed of. I love Taylor to pieces, he is a huge part of my soul, but Jimmy was going to bring me so much joy as well.
But he died before he was born.
When I woke up this morning, I had this brief thought that I wished I had saved the name for this little one in case it is a boy. I had a moment of regret that I had given away something so special to a baby that will never grow up...a name that had so much meaning to me, a name I had hoped to use for years, ("Jimmy! Time for dinner, go wash your hands! Jimmy! Let's go, we're going to be late! Jimmy, give mommy a kiss!")...a name that would belong to a little red-headed boy that would honor my family and warm my heart.
When Jimmy died, I not only lost my sweet and precious infant son...I lost all my hopes and dreams as well.
How am I going to have new dreams for this little one? I will be 10 weeks tomorrow, and as hard as I try, it still doesn't feel real. Every pregnancy symptom makes me think of Jimmy and it really hurts. I want to be happy sooooo bad! But I am absolutely terrified that if I am happy I will lose this child too.
We have names picked out for this child already, but they do not carry for me the meaning that Jimmy's name did. When I roll the names over in my mind I don't feel joy or excitement or love or hope.
When I think of February, I think of planning another funeral...I can't even imagine giving birth to a live baby. I'm constantly thinking worst case scenario.

I feel so robbed of my innocence. Having a stillbirth is like a rape of your soul. It's been 8 months and I'm still trying to heal.

How do I give this new baby an identity? How do I get my hopes and dreams back?

Is it going to be like this for the next 6 and a half months? I want to be happy, not sad and scared!

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