Checking In

Taylor loves his new school so things are working out for him and that makes me a very happy Momma.
I'm still trying to find a job...they're hard to come by. Applied for one on base that I would probably have gotten they said were it not for someone applying for the job who actually held that same position 10 years ago.
There was only one job that was not a machine worker at the steel mill from the temp agency. I haven't heard anything back from that job or the couple of others I applied for from the unemployment office listings.
There's just not much to be had these days as far as jobs go. Not in our neck of the woods anyway. We're not hurting, praise the Lord, but we sure don't have ANY wiggle room at all in our budget and we're stretched pretty thin. (As in if anything comes up like the truck breaks down or something we're in trouble.) In order to meet any of our goals and get out of debt, I'm going to have to find a job soon.
In the meantime I'm making jewelry and looking around to see if anyone wants to make some music. Went back to church, trying to get back into the swing of things, and start marriage counseling on the 21st to try and help us deal with the aftermath of losing our babies.

It's like rebuilding after a hurricane.

How Funny...

...that I spent last week advising two friends and trying to help them save their marriage from the problems arising from the grief of losing a child...and here I am, struggling to keep my own marriage from falling apart.

I think my husband put it well when he said that I feel like I have no control over anything and that making the decision to leave him would be one of the few things I do have control over and would make me feel like I had regained control over my own life.
Pretty astute and pretty accurate.

I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. With everything that has happened in the past two years with me losing my mom and effectively becoming an adult orphan, losing 3 babies and all hope of being a stay at home mom and housewife, my only surviving child going back to school and me not being a homeschool mom, not having a job and no career prospects with a degree I cannot use......WHO AM I AND WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I BE DOING?

I am SO lost and so confused right now...maintaining my marriage and dealing with all the issues arising from our current circumstances and dealing with his ex and his kids and our financial issues, etc...I just feel like throwing in the towel. Not because I don't love my husband, just out of sheer mental and emotional exhaustion.

I just want peace from pain and worry and anxiety and drama and everything else.

Moving Right Along....

....got an appointment with the school tomorrow that Taylor will hopefully be enrolling in. Going to fill out all the paperwork and hope everything works out.

Tomorrow evening we have DHS coming to our home to see if we qualify to be foster parents. My husband insists that we don't have enough room and my friends have pointed out that while I would make an excellent foster mother, now is just not the right time.
Doesn't hurt to have them come talk to us though...it at least makes me feel like I'm doing something.

Waiting on a call about a job...they are calling for interviews this week so I'm hoping I get called, interviewed, and land the position.

I think its starting to sink in that I may never be having any more kids of my own...at this point, I'm just ready to stop hurting and if that means no babies, then I will just have to learn to live with that.