Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Well, we made it past 3 of our 4 loss points, praise the Lord. I am trying to stay busy around the house, got a part time job at home as a District Assistant for a multi-level marketing company, be a good parent/step-parent for the boys, stay active in church, and be a good wife. I've done a LOT of cooking and baking lately! Yesterday my brother and sister in law did my maternity photos for me, which was emotional at first...I cried before I went over there, but it was kind of nice. I've never had maternity photos done before and they made sure to incorporate my necklace with all of my family's names (husband & kids living & deceased)into the belly pics for me. Very sweet. Rusty is still keeping his distance from this pregnancy...he is terrified of losing another baby so he is trying not to think about the baby or bond or anything unless and until she is born alive and safe in his arms. We had a moment the other day when he finally put his hand on my belly and squeezed it and she kicked and he squeezed again and she kicked again...he did this with her like 3 times and it was such a special moment. But for the most part, he doesn't ask many questions, doesn't get involved and refuses to put the crib up or buy anything for the baby until after the birth. My hands are swollen and they hurt like I have arthritis. My feet are swollen and they hurt if I stand up too long. But other than that I have no complaints....I feel this baby kicking and I couldn't be filled with more joy. It's such a blessing, I cannot even describe it. I have days where my anxieties threaten to take over but I voice my concerns to my husband or my friends and I pray and it seems to help. I had a visit this week from a friend from my support group online...she was driving through the state and stopped to see me for a few hours. She lost her twins around the time that I lost Jimmy and then she had a living little boy around the time that I lost Becca. It was so nice to see her and spend time with her and her sweet little guy. I asked her if it was awesome having a living baby after her losses and did it really feel like we imagined that winning the lottery would feel like? And her whole face and soul lit up as she grinned and said "yes." Please, God, help me make it through the next couple of months...I want this baby so much.