The date when Becca should have been born is coming up, so I thought I would print off a couple of her pictures and work on her scrapbook. I only printed off 3 or 4 pictures before I realized that I just could not do this. Looking at those pictures and thinking about her hurts too much.
Just like last year when I wanted to have Jimmy's scrapbook completed by his one year angelversary but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I guess it makes sense, because in the end, my babies will forever remain an unfinished work as well.
I started thinking about how irritating it is to try and get on with normal life, yet have all these sad and painful things lurking around in the back of my mind with my parents dead, my grandparents dead, and 3 babies dead...I remembered an article I had read a few years back about a guy who had some sort of back problem that medication could not touch and doctors could not fix and how he just had to learn to live with his chronic pain.
I began to wonder...isn't what I am trying to cope with here the emotional equivalent of chronic pain? I mean, it really makes sense. Its never really going to go away, I've just got to learn to live with it. And, for the most part, I have. I'm getting ready to go back to work (wherever that may be!) and I'm cooking special foods for the diet my husband and I are on, making preparations for my living son's 9th birthday party, started a band, got back in choir at church, working on a couple of guitar songs for Praise & Adoration....and doing everything I possibly can to learn how to live with this chronic pain.
I looked up an article on how to cope with chronic physical pain and the advice is much the same as I would give anyone who is suffering from chronic emotional pain:
1) Eat right and exercise
3) Eliminate or reduce stress
4) Physical exercise to boost endorphins
5) Try to get enough sleep
6) Distract yourself with things you enjoy
The idea that one day I'm going to wake up and all this pain will be gone is just not true unless I were to die in my sleep and wake up in heaven! Some days are worse than others and some days are absolutely fabulous. (Thank you God for those days!!!) But for the majority of the time, I will go through my daily activities always carrying this pain with me. Realizing this and admitting that I am living with chronic pain makes me feel much better as it means I'm not a failure at life because I cannot make this pain go away.
I am a just a person learning to cope with chronic emotional pain...and I'm getting better at it every day.