Couldn't Help Myself....

...bought a baby girl dress with a cute sweater and matching hat. I'm so happy!

It's a Girl!!! Praise God!!

Read my bible last night for comfort....this passage literally jumped out at me:

Job 5:17-18

“Blessed is the man whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
For he wounds, but he also binds up;
he injures, but his hands also heal."

I feel so blessed and so undeserving. Thank you Lord.











I had to fast for 8 hours then have my blood drawn (I'm SUCH a coward with having blood drawn!!) and my vein collapsed right before the last tube so they had to stick me again. Ugh!
Then I had to drink some icky 50 grams of glucose drink and then the doctor came in and did an ultrasound. I was certain it was going to be a boy! But nope...there she was...Doc pointed out her little girly bump and said he was absolutely certain. (He has been doing this for over 30 years!).
Her heart was 152bpm, her legs were stretched out, and she must have been sleeping because all I saw her do was twitch her leg a little and move her foot.
Soooo precious!!
I'm having a girl?? Wow!!!
Thank you Jesus!!!!

Called my husband and told him and he called everyone else.
I'm so excited and still a little in shock! :)

I failed my glucose test...they pricked my finger before I left and it was 143 so I have the 3 hour test to look forward to next time...but that is also when the "Big Ultrasound" is scheduled for and I can bring a DVD and everything so I'm still happy!!

Wow. A daughter!

Trying not to be scared about Tomorrow

Doctor appointment tomorrow...fasting after midnight, no food, not even water allowed....blood draw at 8:30am and I'm a fainter and a gagger. Ugh!! I'm nervous and scared already. I'm such a whiner!
I'm really hoping that I get an ultrasound, that baby is still alive in there (ALWAYS a fear), and that with it being 15 weeks maybe we could get an early peek at the gender....

*sigh*

Time for lots of praying!!

15 Weeks

Forgot to post my photo yesterday....here we go. 15 Weeks! (Sticking my tongue out cuz I'm all dirty and sweaty from exercising and house cleaning.)






I go back to the doctor on Tuesday...have to fast all night, not even any water...and then have blood drawn. Ugh! Pray for me!
So nervous and scared. Hope everything is ok with the baby!!!!

Strange Dreams....Remembering Dates

I hear that strange dreams are sorta par for the course during pregnancy...guess I had forgotten about that one.

Last night I had two strange dreams....

The first one, I found out that Jimmy hadn't died but was staying in a foster care/therapeutic facility about 2 hours from our house so they could take care of his disabilities and be close to a big hospital.

When I found out I cried and freaked out and told me husband we could have been with him this whole time, why did we think he was dead? He's been alone there for months without our love! Alone! I told my husband we needed to be there right away to make up for lost time and kiss him and hug him and tell him everything would be ok and we were sorry for not being there....but we couldn't afford the gas to get there and we couldn't bring him home because he was disabled and we didn't have the facilities to take care of him where we live...so I couldn't visit him and I couldn't bring him home and I just kept picturing him disabled and sad with no mommy there to love him. It was terrible!!!

The next dream was that I put my hand on my belly and felt these tiny little feet powerfully kicking back at my fingers. It was so cool!! (I haven't yet felt movement with this one) The feet felt like they were the size of the pads of my fingers, yet there was enough force behind the kicks to move my hand. It was an awesome feeling. Then I said "Oh is this Jimmy?" and someone said "No, its not Jimmy" and I was confused as to who it was then if it wasn't Jimmy.

Strange, strange dreams.....I'm guessing I miss my sweet boy a little more than I'm willing to admit. It's been awhile since I just broke down and cried for him and I just don't want to cry anymore....so maybe thats why I'm dreaming about him?

EDIT: Just checked the calendar to see if it was a date or something....it is. Today is the one year anniversary of Jimmy's viability date...I remember looking forward to that day as the day I could finally relax because since he was viable everything was going to be ok. I didn't think stillbirth could happen to me or was a risk, really.
I remember being very excited and happy about this milestone one year ago....amazing how our bodies and hearts remember things that our mind has forgotten. Aw. Miss you Jimmy.

Second Trimester Headaches..

...the morning sickness is mostly gone....and has been replaced by these awful headaches that don't even go away with Tylenol...uggggghhh.
My poor head! :(

But...pregnancy is not meant to be comfortable...I think that's how we work up the courage to give birth at the end of this process. We're so ready to not not be physically miserable anymore. After nine months of barfing and migraines and mood swings and bloating and swelling and aches and pains and sleeplessness and incontinence and everything else....labor and delivery doesn't sound so scary after all!

Really wish my head ache would go away. It's our one year anniversary today. We don't even have a penny to our names right now (I sent Rusty with our last handful of change at lunchtime to get me a cheeseburger off the dollar menu at mcdonalds...) so its not like we can go anywhere, but if I didn't have a headache we could be cooking ramen noodles together or something.

*sigh* Owwie. 6 hour headache and still hurting. :(

14 Weeks

Went to a family reunion today with my husband and met a lot of his extended family. Had a really great time. :)

One of his family members gave me some maternity clothes, yay! And a couple of the old ladies rubbed my belly, hahahaha!

I am sooooooooo tired!!

Not Worryin'

Had my doc squeeze me in this morning...I was just hoping for him to pull out the doppler but he went ahead and did an u/s and everything looked good! Heard the heart beating, saw baby moving, etc.
When I saw the baby wiggling around I asked "why can't I feel it yet?" and he goes "because the baby weighs like an ounce! Girl, you have poops waaaay bigger than that!" Hahahahaha! My doc is the best. :)
He pulled out the lab results from my last visit and told me I tested negative for gono, negative for chlamydia, and negative for all the other STDS and I go "well gee I better be negative!" and he says "don't worry, I test the preacher's wife too." Hahahahahaaa!!! :)

Still Worryin'....

I felt my first flutter with Taylor at the 3 month mark (probably because I was 98lbs and he happened to be in the right spot at the right time) and then didn't feel movement again for a few weeks.
With Jimmy, I felt the first flutter around 11 weeks...felt one or two flutters here and there after that...but nothing really definitive or consistent until around 15-16 weeks.
This being my 4th pregnancy (3rd this year!) you would think I would be feeling something by now? I'm almost 14 weeks! I'm not fat or anything so I should be able to feel movement.
What bugs me is that last week I definitely felt the presence of movement, a full feeling down there, and some other feelings I can't describe...I even thought I may have felt a flutter or two.
But this week nothing. Not even the feeling of presence.

I don't like this, it worries and scares me.

Worry...

Worry worry worry....*sigh*

So, last week I definitely felt the presence of life and the presence of movement...if that makes any sense...and I thought I *may* have felt a flutter or two.
This week...nada. It's really bugging me....I know its early yet, but the reassurance would be nice.

I'm starting to get my hopes up.

Come on baby!

13 Weeks 1 Day

13 Weeks

Feeling better in all aspects. :)

We have all 3 kids this weekend...Chance and his dad have spent a lot of time together this weekend. That makes me happy.
Kids are getting along, I have everyone here to cook for and all of us doing things together and the kids singing and rough-housing....it feels like home.
Didn't realize just how much I missed my step-son...its like not a complete family when he is not here.

Great week so far!

9 Months Ago Today

It's Friday the 13th....9 months ago, on Friday the 13th in November...Jimmy passed away quietly.
He has now been gone longer than he was here.

I am sad, but more of a pensive kind of sorrow. I think Rusty feels the same way.

Hooray!

Ultrasound today at 12 weeks and 3 days...baby was moving around too much for the doctor to get any measurements, but he said everything looked good!


Heartrate at 161bpm and Belly Bean was springboarding off one side of my womb to the other. Soooo cute! Just jumping around like a little mexican jumping bean.


It's starting to feel real now....

12 Weeks

Still feeling nauseous but its bearable. My appetite is increasing and so is my comfort and confidence and faith in this pregnancy. Mood swings are still bad (I better get used to it!) but I'm starting to anticipate them and cut them off at the pass....hubby is getting better at knowing what to do as well.

****************

Taylor and I start homeschooling on Monday! I'm ready! So is he. :)
The Christian Home Schooling group doesn't have its kick off til the beginning of September, and the other extra curricular stuff doesn't start til Sept either...so I guess we have a month to get into our own swing of things.

I'm feeling so grateful to be pregnant right now...and hopeful...and happy. Scary, eh? I'm actually starting to almost think of things in terms of 'when' instead of 'if.' Almost!

I'm soooo ready to feel this baby move. I've had a couple of moments where I felt a flutter and thought maybe....but I think its been gas or muscle twitches. I have a feeling in my uterus though that I can't explain...it feels like life. It feels happy.

I hope and pray it stays and grows.

Please

Please still be alive in there little baby. Mommy wants you to live so bad!

Another Teammate Lost

We lost another team member today on our EC board. She went in at 9 weeks and baby was measuring fine, heartbeat fine, everything looked good.
She went back in at 13 weeks because of some spotting....baby stopped growing they guess around 9 and a half weeks.

This is the second mom who found out her baby was dead at 13 weeks....I'm so scared that I'm next.

I hate having to say goodbye to these women. I hate it for them.

Low Self-Esteem

Ugh. I didn't even realize how much of a toll the last 2 years have taken on my body and my physical appearance until I looked at some pictures just now from 3 years ago.
I wanna cry.
After 9 months of pregnancy with Jimmy, grief, 2 months of another pregnancy, and almost 3 months of pregnancy with this one....all in less than 2 years....

It's downright depressing.

I wish I had enough money to buy some cute maternity clothes and get my hair done and buy some make-up.

Moment of Gratitude Amidst the Chaos

I'm feeling so grateful to be pregnant right now...with two babies in heaven in less than a year, the hope that in a month I'll start feeling this little one kick just moves me beyond words.

God is so good...even when life is not.