Saturday, August 28, 2010

Strange Dreams....Remembering Dates

I hear that strange dreams are sorta par for the course during pregnancy...guess I had forgotten about that one.

Last night I had two strange dreams....

The first one, I found out that Jimmy hadn't died but was staying in a foster care/therapeutic facility about 2 hours from our house so they could take care of his disabilities and be close to a big hospital.

When I found out I cried and freaked out and told me husband we could have been with him this whole time, why did we think he was dead? He's been alone there for months without our love! Alone! I told my husband we needed to be there right away to make up for lost time and kiss him and hug him and tell him everything would be ok and we were sorry for not being there....but we couldn't afford the gas to get there and we couldn't bring him home because he was disabled and we didn't have the facilities to take care of him where we I couldn't visit him and I couldn't bring him home and I just kept picturing him disabled and sad with no mommy there to love him. It was terrible!!!

The next dream was that I put my hand on my belly and felt these tiny little feet powerfully kicking back at my fingers. It was so cool!! (I haven't yet felt movement with this one) The feet felt like they were the size of the pads of my fingers, yet there was enough force behind the kicks to move my hand. It was an awesome feeling. Then I said "Oh is this Jimmy?" and someone said "No, its not Jimmy" and I was confused as to who it was then if it wasn't Jimmy.

Strange, strange dreams.....I'm guessing I miss my sweet boy a little more than I'm willing to admit. It's been awhile since I just broke down and cried for him and I just don't want to cry maybe thats why I'm dreaming about him?

EDIT: Just checked the calendar to see if it was a date or is. Today is the one year anniversary of Jimmy's viability date...I remember looking forward to that day as the day I could finally relax because since he was viable everything was going to be ok. I didn't think stillbirth could happen to me or was a risk, really.
I remember being very excited and happy about this milestone one year ago....amazing how our bodies and hearts remember things that our mind has forgotten. Aw. Miss you Jimmy.

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