So...coming up on 6 months since Becca died. The doctor told us to wait at least six months, but we are going to wait at least a year. After Becca's one year Angelversary at the end of October, and after Jimmy's two year Angelversary mid-November, we can start trying again if we want to.
I have a long list of health-related things I would like to take care of first and I've gotten part of my dental work done and started taking a daily baby aspirin and folic acid again.
All of a sudden, 6 months seems like a very short period of time and I don't know whether to be excited or scared or both?
We had a full-term stillbirth, an 8 week miscarriage, and a 23 week premature birth resulting in death....what are the odds that if we try again we will wind up with a living baby? Are we ready to face another infant loss?
Strange as it sounds...I'm worried about burial plots. We took up two of my mother-in-law's burial plots to bury Jimmy and Becca. I think there are only two more...which are for my mother in law and father in law when they die maybe? What if we have another dead baby and nowhere to bury him/her? It doesn't seem right to not bury another child with the two previous siblings who have passed on.
I wish I could get a guarantee that we would be having a living child...as it is, I'm afraid we will just wind up with yet another dead baby. But the small hope of a living child makes me want to try again, as does the knowledge that even a short pregnancy is still bonding time with our baby.
Does this make me selfish? Crazy? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I'm glad we still have several months before we can try again, and sometimes I wish I could just go ahead and get pregnant and get it over with....if I'm going to lose another baby, I'd rather get it over with before I've healed all the way and then have to go through this all again.
(((HUGS))) strange the things we have to think about now when it comes to pregnancy. Our innocence was ripped from our grasp and instead of thinking of the crib bedding we would like when planning for a child we consider their final resting place, just in case because we know the unfair truth that pregnancy does not = baby. not fair at all. As always, your are in my prayers, i pray and pray and pray you will get the chance to bring your baby home and raise that baby through adulthood and until the day you go home to God. I am so glad you have the strength and courage to try again as well. I am still hoping God will change Matts heart and we can also hop into the TTC boat, as scary as that sounds honestly. I feel like i need to "redeem myself" or something, like if i dont have a healthy baby to bring home, i feel like a total failure. Even Though we do have 2 here at home with us, having at least one that we have concieved with-in our marriage would make that. I think that is the only way i will know that i am not eternally punished here on earth and in this marriage. I hate the fact that i feel punished, but i do. Again, i cant wait to hear the day you get a BFP and even MORE so the day you say "BABY IS HOME AND HEALTHY!" God do i pray so much for that for you <3
ReplyDeleteMany Blessings to you Katie,
~ Krystal