Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Almost 4 Weeks....God or Grief?

I have heard people say to pray for what your heart desires and many times God will either grant you what you have been hurting for (in his time) or he will take the desire away....

I've been getting a lot of *signs* lately...our house being too small, finances being too tight, being overrun with homeschooling my only living child (an 8 year old) and his schoolmates (I homeschool a 6 year old and a 9 year old for a single father), enjoying my alone time with my husband and my physical freedom away from pregnancy. We got a puppy last weekend and have been up nights to let it out, cleaning up messes in the house and trying to train it, caring for her while she was sick, taking her to the vet, spending $$ on her....in just a week we've gone through a lot of things that remind us of all the not so great things about having babies.....

Everyone talks about all the cutesy stuff and when we long for a baby we think buying clothes and giggles and cute little baby farts. We don't think about arguments over finances, fears and discomfort over illnesses, extreme sleep deprivation, the inability to do ANYTHING for longer than a minute or two....the complete sacrifice of mind and body and personal life for 9 months plus the first couple of years.

Most of the time, any of us would be perfectly willing to overcome those obstacles, find ways around them, and happily suffer through the rest.

Not me, not right now...the puppy is irritating me when she's not being cute, hahaha, and the lack of sleep over the past week has been a huge burden on me physically and emotionally.

So, I'm not sure if this is me talking out of grief and physical exhaustion of 17 months of pregnancy out of the past two years and 3 dead babies, or if this is God gradually easing me into a life that does not include any more children.

Even through his own grief, my husband is content with our family the way it is. He is perfectly happy with the two kids he has from his previous marriage...its me who has wanted the babies.

And now, with his two kids and my one gone for the week for Thanksgiving with their other parents, and us with a week to ourselves....I'm rather enjoying the peace and quiet.

Is God answering my prayer by taking away my desire for a baby or am I just convincing myself of this because of my grief and because I am physically run down?


  1. Not that I would ever assume that I know what God has for plans for us, I'm wondering if perhaps God wants you to have a period of rest and quiet and healing of both body and spirit. I'm not sure if he is closing the door. I think I would be still and wait and trust and pray for whatever his best is for you and your family.

    yet I know that is hard as I'm trying to be still and quiet with stuff going on it

    all we can do is trust and know he knows what is best and he will lead us to what is his best if we allow him to do so


  2. I can totally relate to this post and have had the same wonderings. Is it God telling me that there aren't going to be anymore living babies or is it just me scared to death. I wish I knew and still don't.