Friday, November 12, 2010

Why So Tough, Katie?

I got pregnant with Becca at the same time as my really good friend, J.

J and I would call each other on the phone (she lives 6 hours away) and say stuff like "my belly is waving to your belly!!"

She came down to visit today...I gave her a bunch of baby stuff including most of Jimmy's baby clothes since she is having a boy and she is giving him the middle name James as sort of a tribute to my angel boy.

She cried a few times and I just kept smiling and hugged her and told her "its fine don't be sad, my babies are both in heaven, your hormones are running amok right now so you're just more sad than usual", etc.

I didn't want her to be sad because she was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt her. When I talked to her on the phone after Becca died, she was sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe almost. I calmed her down then, and I stayed perky today.

What I really wanted to do was sob and fall apart and say "my belly misses your belly" and hug her and cry with her but I choked it all husband says I should have just cried with her, but I just couldn't!! I was afraid she would get herself all worked up and that stress isn't good for her baby.

My husband also bought me a small cake and a blue "1" candle so I could have cake with the boys today for Jimmy's birthday....(Jimmy died one year ago today and was born one year ago Sunday).

My husband didn't want to do it with me I could tell, (he says birthdays and celebrations and stuff for dead babies is stupid.) so J and my son and I went in the kitchen to light the candle and sing happy birthday to Jimmy while my students were in the living room and my husband was in the shower.

Again, I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it all back and smile.

Right now, I just want to sob but I can't because the boys are still here and my husband is enjoying his day off....

I also feel a little angry...angry because somehow I feel like I was robbed of my chance to cry. I'm not angry that my friend is pregnant, but its kinda unfair that she gets the pregnancy AND the right to cry during my grieving period for Becca and Jimmy's death and birth anniversary weekend.....the cake and the going through the baby clothes and stuff were all things that required shedding a few tears for emotional closure....but all these tears are still boxed up and my chest is tight.

Its not just J...I have several friends in different walks of life right now that depend on my strength.

Right now, though, I don't want to be strong, I want to just fall apart and sob for awhile.

Its my turn!


  1. take it (your turn) and cry. Even if you have to go away and do it, although I think you should be able to cry in front of others and I think they should have a touch of compassion about it (more than just a touch). You are grieving two incredibly close losses (so sorry it has been a year since your little Jimmy went home to heaven) and I am sure your grief is still very raw. I cannot compare because it was not the same as a baby's loss, but when my mom died, I grieved alone because hubby didn't really want to talk about it, etc and it was HARD! Thankfully God put one of my friends from where we used to live in my life to grieve with me as she had recently lost a parent a few months before. Grieve and don't grieve alone. I think it is "perfectly natural" to cry and to want the comfort of others. I'd sit there and hold your hand and let you cry if I lived closer.

    hugs to you, I'm so sorry it has been such a tough season for you