Thanksgiving wasn't too bad...I thought I was going to have a hard time since we were having one of my great niece's first birthday party. I have pics of her mom and I pregnant at the same time and touching pregnant bellies at her baby shower...her little girl and Jimmy originally had the same due-date last year but her daughter was born a little early and Jimmy...well. *miss you, Jimmy!*
I got her a toy that I would have gotten for Jimmy had we been celebrating his birthday...one of those ball machines that uses an internal fan to blow the balls up in the air after they go down a ramp and through a tube. Taylor had one when he was a toddler and he loved it...it went over really well and I was happy to see the birthday girl liked my gift.
I was surprised at how *ok* I was. I'm grateful for that, very grateful. It's one thing to be sad and miss your babies who've gone to heaven, its another to be so upset that you can't enjoy anyone else's children or their happiness.
My other great niece is almost 6 months old and while we were at the party I played with her and held her and got to feed her. I actually went back over the next morning and spent three hours with her changing diapers, feeding, playing, rocking her to sleep....it was a good feeling.
I've been getting the house clean in a way that its never been since I married my husband last year and moved in....I've put stuff in the attic, organized every closet, every drawer, every cabinet....washed all the laundry, swept and mopped, hung up towel racks in the bathroom, decorated, rearranged furniture....it feels really good to do all of this and I actually look forward to it during the day. I feel a sense of accomplishment and our tiny home is starting to feel more like a cozy family nest instead of a cooped up little prison.
Taylor and I went to the thrift store today and got him a very thick green shag rug for his bedroom floor. I also got a nice frame and mat from the thrift store for my stepdaughter's painting she made...I had Rusty put Becca's bassinet in the attic while I was gone and pack away all her stuffed animals and other things in a plastic tub and put those up as well. I've got her scrapbook stuff laid out on the table and I had Rusty leave her memory box down here but I may wind up packing it all up and putting it in the attic.....when Jimmy died I spent countless hours working on his scrapbook and sobbing and it was great therapy and closure. With Becca, I'm not really sure why this is, but I feel differently. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of the pain or if I don't need as many *therapeutic* activities because I actually did get to say goodbye to her and I had closure and two weeks with her before she passed...I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't want to do her scrapbook yet....I want to finish cleaning and organizing the house...I want to paint walls and redo floors and all the other odds and ends that need fixing around here. I want to put time and effort into something tangible that is good for my family.....and right now, scrapbooking is not high on my list of priorities.
That sort of makes me feel guilty....its been a month and I'm already ready to move on.....I didn't even go visit the babies for Thanksgiving....I just feel so differently this time around. I just feel like my babies are dead, D-E-A-D, dead and gone so why *waste* time crying and sobbing and doing things like visiting graves or working on scrapbooks when there is sooooooo much that needs to be done for our living children and my husband and our home....my babies are in heaven and they are not here. They are not coming back. I'm trying to stay focused on what and who is here right now. I guess thats why it felt so good rocking my great niece to sleep and I wasn't sad...she is here, I can hold her, and even though she's not my baby, we're still family...I'm her Auntie.
I think I ovulated today...that makes me feel good that my body is back to normal, but sad as well because a big part of me wants to try to conceive again right away and I just can't do that right now. Rusty and I have agreed to wait at least one year, maybe two before giving it "one more try."
I miss my babies so much. Jimmy, Becca, Mommy loves you. I have NOT forgotten about you and I NEVER WILL!!! Please forgive me if I am focusing more on Daddy and your brothers and sister right now....it does not mean I do not love you, it just means they need me more right now than you two do. You two are safe in the arms of Jesus and neither of you is wanting for anything. I will make up for lost time when I get to heaven, I promise.
I love you babies.