Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Daughter

It feels so strange saying "my daughter." I never got to use those words until after she was gone. It's like I had a daughter and I missed it somehow.

I really should type out the whole story, but I just can't bring myself to do that...part of me feels like right now I want to keep all those memories to myself. I want to hoard them like precious gems...I feel like if I were to talk about each precious moment that just verbalizing it would cause it to slip through my fingers like a handful of sand and be lost forever.

I miss my daughter.


I have a daughter!

And she is in heaven.

It was so easy to talk about Jimmy...it all just flowed off my tongue as easily as the tears slid down my cheeks and writing about it was just as effortless...I could hardly type as fast as my thoughts and emotions would come pouring out into my fingertips.

With Becca its different. I get up, I get through the day, I laugh, I clean, I talk, I try to be productive....but I can't cry. I'm sad, but I can't cry. I don't feel like I hurt as much as when Jimmy died, but I long for the release of an emotional break down.

And I really should be writing about Becca's last days....but I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't tell if I'm being healthy or being in denial.

I miss my daughter.

I miss my son.

I miss my babies.

But I want to move on...make my husband happy, get back to homeschooling my only living child, bond with my stepchildren, look to the future....I want to get pregnant again but I need to wait at least a year for my body to heal.

God, I need direction.


  1. I will pray for direction, Katie. I don't know much about grief and I certainly have not gone through the grief that you have, but I do know we all grieve in different ways and I'm sure we grieve differently with each loss we experience. I think you do need time to move on but I know it has been too very soon to even consider that.

    I am so sorry....

    When and if you are ever ready to write about Becca and if you choose to write it here, I would be honored to read your precious memories of your daughter

    hugs to you


  2. Praying for you Katie! I know it's hard. God will get you through <3 xoxo